Christmas party in school reception class

[mintyneb]

my DD has her Christmas party at school on the 19th. It's the first school party we've been involved with but I'm guessing it will involve copious amounts of food of all descriptions provided by parents.

DD is anaphylatic to dairy (probably allergic to peanuts as well) and her best friend happens to be lactose intolerant so they are both well aware of avoiding all foods with milk in them and neither are ever tempted to take food off other people without knowing what is in it first.

anyway, DDs friend is in the other reception class and this eve at pickup, her mum was called into class by the teacher to explain the plans for the party. Basically, the mum and myself are being invited to come to the party obviously to keep a close eye on our DCs to help 'keep them safe'. We are also going to be asked to provide a plate of food for them which goes without saying.

Now I haven't been approached yet but am guessing DDs teacher will try and catch me tomorrow.

My first reaction though is that DD and her friend are of an age when they are starting to realise that they are 'different' to other children so surely having their mums around at the party when no one elses are will only enhance those feelings?

The school keep my DD safe every lunchtime, surely they should take on the responsibility during the party as well?

Am I being irresponsible in thinking this though? What would the rest of you do? I am worried about kids eating all manner of party food, squashing cheesy puffs and cakes into the floor and touching classroom toys as DD could react on contact if she then picked them up. I'm not sure how having me at the party would help though, unless of course I hover over her for the duration?

PS the party details will of course contain the plea to make sure that all food provided will be nut free (even thouh I am not aware of anyone in her year having a nut allergy) but then that's another story!

I don't think you are being irresponsible in thinking about this from all angles!

Probably, in your situation, I would rather be there than not be there, if you see what I mean, but I'm not sure the school have thought this through properly. It's almost like they are admitting that they will not be able to watch your DD and her friend as well as they would like.

It's true that your DD might feel stigmatised by having her mum there, but it's equally true that she might feel really pleased and proud that you are there - particularly if you play with ALL the children and show yourself to be a mummy that any child would be proud to have. (Thinking back to over three decades ago, I was always very, very happy that my own mum was involved in helping with school things).

Would it be better if the school asked a couple more parents as well, so that there were maybe 3 or 4 parent helpers? - this might make it not so obvious that you and your DD's friend's mum are there for a 'special reason'.

I would not go. at least not be in the room if there are no other mummies there, if some are helping then thats ok be part of the other mums volunteering.

I think the school has a responsiblity to be allergy aware, and if they think that you should turn up at every party, you will be asked to do the same for school outings etc. This is not inclusion its a form of exclusion for your child imo.

take her own food, make it as partyish as possible.(put it on a party plate etc like the others but covered and clearly named. remind the teachers of the protocals etc, and let them get on with it.

good luck!

thanks guys for your replies. I'm glad that you don't think I'm being irresponsible and that the school does need to think about how they are going to handle her allergy over the next few years.

I've been thinking this morning that perhaps the other mum and myself should draw up a list of party food that we know is safe for the girls to eat and request that only these foods are brought in? I'm thinking of party rings, plain crisps (walkers type ones that don't have milk in them), plain hula hoops, bourbon biscuits, jelly sweets, haribos etc.

I'm guessing that the kids will all have eaten a lunch that day and will be having a meal in the evening so surely they could get by with the above type foods? I know there is always a chance that someone will bring in what they want so the teachers would still have to be on their guard but hopefully it would minimise the risk?

I would ask for this not just because I don't feel its appropriate for us mums to have to be there but also due to the risk of bringing in dairy foods into the classroom. The school agreed not to bring any milk into reception this year because of DD and parents are asked not to bring in old milk bottles or yoghurt pots for play. What is the point of this if they are then allowed to bring in whatever they like just for a 1 hour party?

DD will have to go into school the day after the party and heaven knows what state everything will be in if sticky little fingers having been touching everything

will let you know what is decided in the end

...if they think that you should turn up at every party, you will be asked to do the same for school outings etc. This is not inclusion its a form of exclusion for your child...

I do agree with that completely. Asking you to come to this party is perhaps the thin end of the wedge.

(Tbh I can't think straight about this sort of issue at the moment - I have just reluctantly withdrawn my 3 year old DS from pre-school because they weren't keeping him safe. I know they SHOULD have been able to manage, but having watched them trying to cope over four or five sessions, I just didn't believe they were going to be able to, and couldn't bear to put him through the misery of them dealing with it so badly.)

Sorry, x-posted.

Good luck with whatever you decide. However, I'd be cautious about giving a list of safe foods rather than just providing youd DD's food yourself.

(Last weekend, DS went to yet another birthday party, and obviously although I offered to provide food for DS, the mum asked me for a 'safe' list because she really wanted the whole thing to be inclusive, so I settled for just making a birthday cake that everybody could share. It was really, really kind of her to try so hard but, despite her good intentions, she bought 'freefrom' chocolate biscuits which contained dairy - and if I had not been there pulling packets out of the bin and checking the ingredients , everybody would have told DS that these were safe for him to eat!)

SO hard....I am a teacher, and I can completely see that the little ones need to be immersed and included in everything offered at the school. However, perhaps if this is the first time they are in a situation at the school where food which could cause a serious reaction is around, the teachers are feeling a little nervous? Perhaps they will in the future be completely able to deal with the situation once they see how 'fine' it is with you there! At the end of the day I'm sure the staff at the school have nothing in mind but the well being of the children....and actually a party is easier without parents in attendance (in my opinion!)!!!!
I think that you should cut the school some slack on this one, and realise that they have a crushing massive responsibility to all the children in there care, and that it is ok to ask for help sometimes?
All the best with everything xxx
P.S Kids in my class compete about whose Mum/parent does what! Think they may just be the envy of their friends! Could the teacher not sell the idea to the kids that the parent helpers name have been drawn from a hat? Rota? Just happens to be your turn! In a haze of party madness, no one will notice/care!
Enjoy!!!!!

I think there are several options and the school are not picking the safest or being very imaginative;

• each child could be asked to bring 50p for food for party. Staff/parent helpers (maybe yourself and other mum?) could purchase 'safe' food for the party.
• parents could be given a list of safe food to buy for party, parents bring in the morning in packaging and is checked prior to party
• easiest option all round as far as I'm concerned is to not have food at party other than the usual fruit and water normally provided at break time, water being served in christmas cups and fruit on pretty plates etc.

TBH I think the last thing children need is loads of party food on top of their normal lunch, our school does no extra food as part of 'Healthy Schools Award' is bein aware of portions and extra crap high fat and sugar food on top of normal meals doesn't really fit with this.

DD1 is dairy and soya intolerant (not anaphlaptic) I have not been asked to attend the christmas parties. She takes her own food in on a specially labelled plate that's what she has (we make it party food). Other children in the class with food intolerances do the same.

Our other dd in school needs medication with food which is variable depending on the amount etc that she eats so she will have her own plate as well. If your daughter does not normally touch other childens lunches I would prewarn her that the food for the party follows the same rules. Both my girls know that they can not just help themselves.

I think giving parents a safe list of things to eat because you will not be present will not go down well with the school or the other parents. What does your dd do every lunch time? I am sure that the school is not free of these allergens normally and your dd knows to avoid them.

thanks again for replies.

prizeelliott, I think you may well be right regarding their experience of allergies. I know for a fact that there are 4 children in the school with epipens (out of a total of over 500 children) and my DD is the only one who has one due to a dairy allergy. The staff are learning as they go with her.

however, I think my main concern now really, is around the fact that dairy products will be brought into her classroom - a space where I would like to think that she is 'safe' - a relative term I know! I'm thinking off the top of my head as I don't yet know the details of the party but I can't help but think that milk in some form could get spread all over the place (overdramatic I know but you get my drift) and who is going to be responsible for making sure that everything is clean afterwards? DD has to go back into that classroom again the next day.

greenbananas, you are absolutely right about the perils of giving people a safe food list and I'm sorry you had to learn that the hard way. i don't envisage people will really check labels in the way I would so my thought would be to see if I could pop into school at lunchtime and see if i could give everything a once over.

i wish i was a mum who loved spending time with lots of other kids as i probably would have volunteered to help out already! the thought of an afternoon with 60 overexcited children fills me with little joy and here I take my hat off to you teachers for being able to do so!

I guess i am a little extra sensitive over the whole thing as DD has another serious medical condition and so any chance to let her be a 'normal' 4 year old is high on my list of priorities

HjUst read about the conatc thing could the school move the food aspect out of the classroom to the school hall to maintain that environment as dairy free.

My kids always loved having me there, if you don't help elsewhere this is one chance for you to be there. The little ones are not my favourite ones either, and my youngest tends to misbehave if I'm there, but still I have helped on trips etc.
Normally I'm sure the school caterers are well used to dealing with food intolerances etc. However parents may be: ignorant, forgetful, just not read labels. There are also moments when some parents do something irresponsible eg. Child vomits in Clarks shoe shop but is at school the next day or child is in tears, obviously not over the bug that has kept them off school for 2 days but Mum has to go to work.

I agree maybe suggest they eat the food outside the "safe" classroom.
If you go in, sell it to your daughter as her being extra special because Mummy has been asked to help out.

Good luck.

My friend did a party where everyone had their own special party food box - so it was clear who was having what. She has one child with an egg allergy and the other with a dairy allergy

The school and its staff must be well aware af the epipen situation by now if there are 4 pupils who carry them!
Perhaps share all these concerns with the teacher, and I'm sure that together you'll come up with a mutialy pleasing plan! I can see it from his/her point of view though! We are so aware as a proffession that we are responsible for every aspect of your childs welbeing at school, and even, as we spend so much time with them genuinly care about them and like them (vast majority of the time!)...I'm sure they just want the best for your daughter, and I'm sure togethre this can be achieved (ps.I would cack my pants at thought of epipen...however I have recieved no training on it other thatn the usual 3 day first aid course!!!)

I hope your daughter can enjoy what is a very noisy but lovely event safely xxx

I guess I take a different view. Dd1 (allergic to egg) started school in September and I expect the school to be able to deal with day to day stuff without me- although dd1 does take a packed lunch, but that suits us all.

When it comes to exceptional type stuff, like parties or outings, I have taken the view that, for now, until dd1 is old enough to work out with confidence what she can and can't have I'm happy to take the odd afternoon off work to help support the teachers to keep her safe. There will be other parents there so it won't be a huge deal.

I will also use it as an opportunity to observe they are doing and then give them additional advice if there is anything I see. dd1's teacher was pleased that I offered (I think) and i don't see it as a huge deal to do this as it's only happened once this term.

Primarily I see it as part of a way to build a positive relationship with open communication between myself and the teachers which will hopefully keep dd1 safe in the long term. I am grateful for what she has already done to keep dd safe.

However, I will want to step back once dd1 is more independent. And my willingness to be present at things now is partly to get things right in the long term (and partly because I'm just plain scared). But then I'll have dd2 starting school, with a milk and egg (and possibly nuts) allergy which is much harder (milk!). So i sympathise greatly, and I can only imagine how much harder it is having other health problems in the mix too.

It's a very fine line keeping them safe and letting them be like every other child.

In respect of the cleaning afterwards, i actually drew up a plan which involved cleaning (making sure undersides of tables were washed, etc) with the nursery that dd2 attended which, god bless them, they followed.

Greenbananas - I'm so sorry pre-school didn't work out for ds. are you looking at others?

mintyneb I guess there are several different approaches you could take to this. Personally I'd probably go with the one Whelk has suggested - I guess I see it as a fine line between how much you should be expected to be involved and how much the school should be expected to take responsibility for. If you do go though, I'd say that you're happy to do it this time in the hope that it will be helpful in finding ways for you not to have to do it in the future.

I think you may have replied to some of my angst-ridden posts earlier this year about DS1's school trips (he's 8). I went on the Year 2 trip in April (2 nights) but with the express aim of trying to make sure he could go on the Year 3 trip in October (4 nights) without me, especially as they were at the same centre. I did feel a bit awkward about tagging along the first time (although they needed a parent helper anyway) but it was great not having to go the second time, by which time everyone (including my son) had gained confidence about the whole thing.

I would have an open-ended discussion with the teacher about your concerns (both inclusion/exclusion and, most importantly, the contact issue).

In terms of inclusion/exclusion I think it's more of a problem at a slightly older age, and that at 4 the child is often quite happy (and even feels a bit privileged) to have mum there. It may also be more reassuring for your daughter?

Agree with Weta and Whelk. Its a balance between inclusion and exclusion. Next week - for the christmas dinner - i will be taking in the DSs food for it to be served at the same time as all the others as they all wanted to be part of the school event. DS3s will also be pureed - as he cannot swallow. I had the choice of either keeping them with packed lunch and missing out on crackers and fun sitting with their mates (exclusion imo) - or working a way around it so they can be just like their mates (inclusion). I'm not staying with them.
I did have a few wobbles re the puree dinner, but DS3 is only 4, and 4 year olds aren't that bothered tbh.
This may not go down well, but i think it would be a mistake to go down the route of 'telling ' other parents what they cannot bring in. It's much better for the school to tell them what they would like them to bring in and put nuts as an exclusion. It is likely that most parents will have so little idea of what has nuts in - let alone dairy. I'd put money on it that they think it's only milk.

thanks again for the replies. It looks like we all have one thing in common - to keep our children safe - and that there are several ways in which we can do so.

Things have moved on regarding the party over the last couple of days, mainly thanks to my friend whose DD is lactose intolerant. To give the school credit, they have taken on board what she said and have rapidly changed their plans.

so from their original idea of asking us to bring in plates of (non dairy) food for our DCs and then stay by them to make sure they didn't eat anything they shouldn't, they are now proposing the following:

party games and dancing will take place in my DDs classroom and they will go into the other reception class for food. Children will be sat around tables, probably in groups of 6 and my DD and her friend will be put together with some of the their other 'sensible' friends. staff will act as waitresses and bring the food to the tables (normally they would just lay food on the tables to start with) and they will divide themselves between handling dairy and non dairy - eg grapes, carrot sticks, party ring biscuits etc - foods. whilst i will only want my DD to eat food I have provided it does mean her friend can have the same grapes etc as everyone else, something which her mum is very keen for her to be able to do.

i will make festive cakes and chocolate cornflake cakes for the children on DDs table so they can all tuck into something chocolatey as well (I'm a reasonably decent baker so hopefully they will want to eat them!)

the children will have to wash their hands in the classroom as soon as they get up from the table before they start moving between the classes.

So, it sounds like my DD will be as well looked after as she would be at a normal lunchtime and that they are taking every precaution they can. When they spoke to me after school yesterday, they didn't even ask if I would come to the party which makes me happy.

the only gripe I did have is that they normally ask for pizza and sausage rolls (with all that lovely flakey buttery pastry) to be brought in. I pointed out that it was pretty hypocritical to ask people not to bring in nuts - when i still don't think anyone in reception has a nut allergy - and then actively encourage people to bring in two types of food that pose a major risk for DD. it is an afternoon party after all and I said that the children didn't need to have foods like pizza and asked rightly or wrongly if they could not put them on the list.

I know this probably not a popular decision with everyone but it would make me much happier if they weren't there. I do live in the real world though and if someone wants to bring in something that's not on the list or bring in their childs favourite dairy laden treat then I can't stop them

so roll on the party now! I feel so mmuch happier that DD well be well looked after and can join in all the fun and games like all her friends.

ooops have just reread this and its a bit of a lengthy post! good luck if you get to the end

Well that sounds like an excellent outcome - good on you and your friend for sorting it with the school! and it sounds like a great idea for you to take some chocolatey stuff for your DD's table too.

Not sure what to say about the pizza etc - we don't live in the UK and there is much less allergy awareness here, so I never dare to ask anyone else to modify their behaviour. But then contact isn't an issue for us, so that obviously makes a big difference.

weta, you're absolutely right about making demands on other people and I wouldn't dare to suggest that at other people's parties the hosts only provide food that's safe for DD.

I guess its just that every day the school does ask everyone to modify their behaviour by not bringing in nuts, although of course people do still bring in peanut butter and cereal bars. For this one day i don't see that it would be any different to ask people not to bring in pizza (well at least not specifically request it)

Anyway, the staff will be doing all they can to keep DD safe at the same time as allowing everyone else to indulge in their favourite treats so I can't ask for any more!

That sounds really good Mintyneb.
Hope your dd enjoys the party

What a great school. I'm sitting here in tears.

Mintyneb, that is such a great result! It sounds like the school are really thinking about this! Hope the party goes well

Whelk, thanks for that DS . DS is fine, but right now I'm not even looking for other pre-schools... sadly the pre-school DS went to was so horribly unsafe that I can't face it just yet!!! But I know there are good places out there, and maybe I will gather courage soon...

yes, the school really have made the effort to get things right for the party for which I am very grateful. I think that whilst they have dealt with other severe allergies before this is the first time they have been exposed to a dairy allergy. They perhaps hadn't really thought things through properly to start with but they did turn things around very quickly. Hopefully, next year if they are presented with yet another different allergy they will be one step further ahead!

Her teacher and TA will always sit next to her at lunchtime and look after her really well and so in thanks for all they have done for her (for her allergy and other reasons) I now have a batch of cakes in the oven - dairy and nut free of course! - to take into them tomorrow :)