what do you do? one allergic child other not

[mum2twoloudbabies]

DS(1) is allergic to wheat, dairy, egg, soya and a few other things. Now he is getting older and more aware 2 things have raised their heads.

DS is just now starting to realise he is not eating what we are eating (I prepare and freeze his food for ease) so what do you do? Do you restrict the whole families diet excluding all these food groups (bearing in mind I have a cheese addicted dd(3)) or do you prepare the same food but offer a slightly different version for the allergic child or do you do the main meals fully excluding the allergens but with snacks/side dishes varying.

The other day something happened which really made me think. GPs brought dd a chocolate bar and nothing for ds. At the moment I probably wouldn't thank them for a chocolate bar for ds (he's only 1) however as I said previously he is more and more aware of what we are doing and what his sister has and I don't want this to become an issue. Any advice on how I can handle this? I wouldn't put it past them to continue to only buy for DD and exclude DS because it seems too difficult to them.

Sorry it's so long but I have been mulling these things over and over and I just can't figure out what to do for the best.

Difficult one this. My DS (he's 4) has similar allergies to your DS and we certainly don't restrict the whole family's diet, a) because it would be extremely difficult and b) because I believe that allergic children need to get used to the idea that they can't eat the same things as other people. I have the added complication of DD (10) being recently diagnosed as coeliac so I do sometimes end up having to prepare 3 different meals but most of the time I try to choose meals that are easily adaptable like pasta (DH and I have normal pasta, kids have wheat free with same sauce), roast dinner (just using free from gravy), casseroles/curries etc. We started explaining to DS from a very young age that he can't have the same food as other people and that he must always check with mummy before eating anything, including taking food from sister's plate etc. We also made sure that DD understood that she mustn't give DS any food without checking with us first. We tried not to make a big issue about this and always kept it fairly light hearted (until more recently when he was starting school as needed him to understand dangers) but it's amazing how quickly they begin to understand.

As for grandparents bringing 'treats', we too have this issue and have suggested alternatives such as box of raisins, diary free choc buttons etc or better still, a really cheap toy such as a bouncy ball or toy car (the sort of thing you get in party bags). In fact, DS adores fruit and is more than happy with an apple or some grapes but for some unknown reason GPs just don't see these as a treat - very frustrating! I certainly don't think it's acceptable for them to bring chocolate for one and nothing for the other, I'd rather they brought nothing at all in that case! The other thing to do is to have a 'treat swap' box for whenever the allergic child gets offered/given a treat they can't have. The deal is, they get to swap the unsuitable treat for something they can have out of the box when they get home. This is especially important for when they start nursery and going to parties etc. Whenever DS gets given chocolate or sweets he always says quite happily 'Thank you, I'll take this home for my sister then mummy will give me something else'.

I love the idea of a treat swap box.

I like your thinking and reasoning behind why your DS has different meals it was the cooking different meals that I was trying to avoid but I just don't think it is possible and now can see how it might actually be advantageous.

Thank you for sharing your experience.

DS is allergic to eggs nuts fish and sesame.
A lot of the time I cook avoiding these ingredients so that we all eat the same.
However sometimes we do have something different and I make him something else. Sometimes it looks similar - sometimes it is something completely different.
Or when it comes to dessert we may have "eggy" cake and I have something similar in the house that is egg free and that he can have.
DS is now nearly 11 and we have been through the its not fair stage the I hate it and want to eat everything everyone else is eating phases reguarly. He keeps asking if I think that he will outgrow the allergies.

My Dad is also coealic so DS sees things that he can't eat either. I usually do variations on a theme so may use different pasta, or make a gluten free pizza dough/crumble/whatever so dad can eat it etc.

After Halloween when the DC's had been trick or treating,they swapped sweets so DS got rid of the chocolate ( so often contaminated with nuts so he won't touch it!) and both were happy.

I uses to buy a bag of party sized bags of Haribo for nursery/school to give out if there were treats and he couldn't eat what was offered and like Freefrom I swap things when we get home if necessary too.

I do much the same as freefrom though we are only dealing with a dairy allergy - mostly I do meals we can all eat, though if it's pasta for example then the rest of us may put cheese on it. I hate the taste of rice/soy milk myself so I will make two shepherd's pies, one for us and one for him - just the potatoes are different as ours have milk and cheese. We eat a lot of meals with tomato-based sauces that we can all eat.

Sometimes I will do something separate for him, but more often I would give the two kids the same and something different for us, just to avoid arguments between them.

We also have a treat cupboard and he knows he can swap treats in there, which generally works very well. Our neighbour often brings over pieces of fruit tart that he can't eat, but now she will bring over some berries for him, which he is very happy with.

I think you absolutely have to educate the GPs about how upsetting it would be for his sister to get a treat and not him - give them ideas of things he can have as a treat, or suggest a small toy/pencil/etc instead.

I guess our situation is a bit different as it's DS1 (8) who is allergic and his younger brother (4) who isn't, so it has probably been easier to train DS2 :)

The other area we have run into problems is not so much food, but things like glasses of milk in the fridge and remembering who is allowed to have them - we now have a whole set of glasses that are only for DS2 (and cow's milk can only go into those glasses) and then various other glasses that are basically for DS1. If I have leftovers of different meals I am really careful about labelling the container to know whether it is ok for DS1.

Pretty much the same as freefrommum. Ds1's diet wasnt limited before came along, so it would be unfair to him to do so now.

DS is allergic to egg, milk and nuts. I tend to cook things for the whole family that everyone can eat. Sometimes I make something separate for DH and me and we eat later than the kids.

If I'm making lasagne I make it with oat milk and put the cheese in a separate bowl for us to sprinkle on top. I make homemade pizzas and don't put cheese on DS'.

We do the same as Trixy, ds (5) is allergic to milk, eggs, nut & sesame (was soya allergic but fine now). However I think you have a bigger problem than we do as you've also got the wheat and soya issue as well. We've ended up with meals on a 7 day cycle, boring but I haven't yet go more than about 8 meals that everyone is able (or willing!) to eat. I sometimes wonder how I can face yet another plate of spag bol....

I used to be quite a foodie but have just given in and tried to make life a little easier by us eating with the kids. DS has a good attitude towards food despite his allergies so it may have helped him deal with things by seeing us all eat together. He always has a substitute when dd gets treats though, I think you'll have to have words with the GP's about this.

FreefromMum I also found your post really helpful, thanks. And everyone else's too for that matter!

So far, and I am starting out on this, we HAVE modified everyone's meals, but that's because I'm still BFing DD (8mos) and so I am also dairy/soya free at the moment. Actually I don't miss it anymore and we've come up with some nice alternatives that I think I'll continue on as whole family meals even when I go back on some dairy. There is a query atm as to whether DD is gluten allergic too and I can entirely see that having both of those together would make life a whole lot harder.

DS (3.5) still loves his cheese sandwiches so he still gets those sometimes but not as often as he would like (which would be every day) but I have been mindful that I need to think it all through a bit while they're still little, in case DD doesn't grow out of it and we need A Longer Term Plan ;)

I was thinking that to be fair to her we would all eat much less dairy. While I still think we'll cut down, FFM you've given me another slant on it all, so thanks.

But I am cross at the grandparents in the OP. That just isn't on. I can see that they've just not thought it through yet... but they need to now.

Casserole I would just say that it's a bit different for an allergic child who has never had certain foods - I think we tend to project how we would feel about 'giving up' these foods, but perhaps there is less sense of loss for them.

I know my DS finds some things hard, but it's more about being able to fit in socially and things that are perceived by most kids as treats (so things like pizza and ice cream). At home he's not really that fussed by not having the same as us (on the occasions he has something different), as long as he likes what he's having. He knows dairy will make him sick, so he doesn't want it, and he doesn't seem to mind us having it.

I do try pretty hard to make sure that cakes etc are ok for him as well though, as that's something he would find hard.

I agree Weta, DS is really not bothered by the fact that he can't have things like chocolate, ice cream and cake because he's never had them and knows they will make him ill. He does however get annoyed at the fact that he can't eat out in restaurants, go to friends' houses for tea, feed the ducks or decorate cakes etc. It's the affect the allergies have on his social life that it is difficult to deal with, not the fact that he can't eat certain foods.

I also agree with others that it's important for them to get used to the idea that they can't always have what other people are eating. It never seems to bother DS that much, for example at a party at the weekend, he asked if the birthday cake was one he could eat, I said it would make him sick and he just kind of shrugged and ran off to play! DD who is 2 was a bit more upset, but even she knows eggs will make her sick and tells me when she is cooking toy eggs for us!