At what age do DCs start asking questions about their allergies?

[greenbananas]

DS is 2 years 4 months and is allergic to dairy, eggs, nuts and a few other things. I have always tried to be calmly matter-of-fact about what we can and can't eat. Mostly, he has simply accepted that we both have special food and has not seemed particularly upset about it but just recently he has been asking questions and I think the unfairness of it all it is starting to bother him a bit.

For example, on Friday, when we were queuing in the Co-op by the sweets, he asked me for a Thomas chocolate lolly. I said, "No darling 'cos that's the wrong kind of chocolate - it's got cow's milk in it". I said we had special chocolate buttons at home and he could have some after tea. He seemed happy at the time, but has mentioned it a couple of times since.

Again, last night, he asked me lots and lots of questions about ice cream. I said we would make some special ice cream with strawberries and rice milk in it. DS's response was to look sad and say, "Mummy, I like milk..." and he went on to tell me that "Daddy drinks cow's milk" and "Jennifer drinks cow's milk" etc. - he listed all the people he could think of that don't have restricted diets. He has obviously been thinking about this.

I told DS that most people have cow's milk but we don't because he is allergic to cow's milk and it makes him poorly. Then I started feeling rather out of my depth because he went on to ask about doctors and ambulances (he remembers going in the ambulance a couple of months ago). I said doctors help us get better when we are poorly and ambulances have paramedics in them etc. and then I tried to change the subject but he kept saying "Mummy, talk about doctors again"...

I'm a bit sad that DS is having to find new ways to deal with the fact that he is 'different'. I'm also starting to worry that he might try something he is horribly allergic to when he thinks I'm not looking.

I do realise that children with allergies must face taking responsibility for their own safety sooner or later, but I was hoping to protect him as much as I could for a bit longer than this.

Sorry this a long post. Does anyone have any ideas?

I think just because he is asking about it doesn't necessarily mean it is traumatic, if you see what I mean. I think often it is worse for the parents, as the child doesn't actually know what they are missing out on. However, if he is asking then it probably means he is trying to come to terms with it in some way.

I know my DS (now 7) feels sad sometimes, but then I ask him what will happen if he does have cow's milk, and obviously he would far prefer not to have it. I think I would use the ambulance/doctor thing as a way of keeping him aware of the consequences of cow's milk for him.

When he says he likes milk, does that mean he has had it before and been ok?

I always emphasise that any treat he misses out on will be compensated for at home (and get him to choose his favourite treats to have in stock), and after a few unpleasant experiences when out with friends I now always carry a lollipop in my handbag for 'emergencies' :). He sometimes says people are silly to put cow's milk in everything.

To be honest with the chocolate in the shop you could have just said 'no I don't think you need any chocolate/sweets at the moment' (as parents of non-allergic children often have to) and not made it an allergy issue (not a criticism of you, just a suggestion for the future).

I totally relate to your sadness about him having to deal with being different, but then I do try to keep it in perspective and remember that lots of kids have illnesses/disabilities etc that make them different, and in the end I'd rather have the allergy problem than many things that are far worse.

I try to be sympathetic but matter-of-fact, and willing to talk about it if he wants to.

good luck - it is heartbreaking, I know!

Oh, and the other thing I would say now that my DS is a bit older is that one of the upsides of the allergy is that it teaches them a lot of self-control and maturity, simply because they have to learn to deal with it.

Is your DS just at the why, where , what, how stage anyway? Maybe its just a fascination with you giving him answers to his questions and learning about the world.
I have an 8, 5 and 3 year old all diagnosed last year with various intolerances. The 5 and 3 are far more accepting of the situation. The 3 year old doesn't even make any comments.
Had to laugh today as my 5 year old asked me to look after Mr Tickle while he was at school and could i give him a chocolate biscuit. I said he would have to have a wafer or one of the other biscuits that we have. He said not to worry as he would leave him pretend chocolate biscuits. He then went up to his brother (8) and said that he could not have any as they had sucrose in them.
Earth to DS, they're pretend biscuits!
Shows how much sinks in though.

I don't think it's a problem greenbananas, it's just part of the learning process for allergic kids. Ds (4) has gone through phases of asking about ambulances, hospitals and asking similar questions as your ds.
He's also played games pretending to drink milk, eat nuts etc.

I think for them it's curiosity and also testing you a little bit to see your reactions. I've always made sure I didn't look sad but commiserated that it's not very nice but we can't change things. I've also found it useful to cite other people's allergies to him i.e. daddy's allergic to grass, mummy to cats, schoolfriends brother to nuts and eggs etc. Just to make him seem a little normal and not the only person he knows with allergies.

When he was younger I did get very upset on his behalf (obviously only when he was tucked up in bed ). As Weta says it is heartbreaking but it becomes part of life very quickly and could be a whole lot worse. You never know they could always come up with a treatment (hesiate to say cure!) by the time our kids hit adolescence.

Good point babybarrister - my DS loves cooking too, I think partly because I found it all so much work when he was 2 or 3 that I decided to kill two birds with one stone and make the cakes etc with him as a fun activity. I reckon in some ways he has a better diet than he would otherwise as so much has to be made from scratch (although I'm not convinced the vast amounts of margarine are very good!).

As for a treatment, it's early days yet but DS1 has been on a desentisation programme for the last 9 months and is now taking 30 ml of milk every day (he is anaphylactic and in the hospital challenge reacted to a cumulative dose of 0.75 ml). So I do have some hope for the future...

We live in Luxembourg, so not in the UK I'm afraid! but I think it is pretty new here as our specialist also works for a very cutting-edge allergy clinic in France, so we are really pleased we are able to do it.

Thank you all for your replies - that's useful.

You make good points about the sweets. I should have been clearer about what I meant really. DS doesn't get sweets on demand (normally eats one packet of dairy-free choc buttons a week after a boring shopping trip). Usually I just say no if he asks - the problem arose because it was a Thomas lolly he had seen. We always take his treats with us when we are out and about and they are kept in his 'special' Thomas the Tank engine bag, so when he saw a lolly with Thomas on it he got really excited and assumed that he would be allowed to eat it

We often make cakes together at home and sometimes I take home-made cakes to groups so he can share them with his friends. He loves that. He always helps me cook (he thinks it's fun and it's also the easiest way to keep an eye on him when I am in the kitchen!)

Bilbomum, it sounds like your DS has gone through exactly the same sort of questioning stage as mine has started with. Like you, I tried hard not to look sad and also told DS about other people who have allergies. Thank you for your post - it's reassuring to know you have dealt with this successfully.

Weta, no DS has never had cow's milk and is highly allergic to it. I think saying "I like milk" was a way of seeing whether or not I would let him try it / getting an explanation of why he can't have it. I explained that cow's milk makes him poorly because he is allergic to it, which is when he started asking about ambulances etc.

auntevil, that's a great story! It's great that kids play these things out using their imaginations!

Again, thank you all for responding. I am feeling a little less freaked out than I was