ExP taking severely nut allergic child to indian restaurant

[ilovemyhens]

I've posted about this problem in the Chat section before.

ds1 who is 12 is severely allergic to several different types of nut and also has some asthma. He carries an Epipen. We cope okay with his allergy, but his father refuses to believe it's serious. He also uses it to frighten me.

He has recently announced that he's going to take ds1 to an Indian Restaurant I've done the research and it's a definite 'no no' because of the multiple risks involved.

I'm having to take ds1 out of school tomorrow in order to attend a hospital appointment with the paediatrician to see if they'll write to ExP to tell him that his would be too risky to do. I need a letter from a medical professional because I can't go to court to have an order made preventing him from taking ds1 to such places unless I have a doctors backup.

I'm really fed up with this bloke. ds1 already has a needle phobia because of him insisting on repeated blood tests to test the severity of the allergy. ds1 is now refusing all further blood tests because he is so difficult to obtain blood from

Do you think the paed will agree to write the letter?

I would imagine so, it is in your DS's best interest. Is there any way you could get your exP to go with your to see the doc - so that the doc can put the fear of God into him?

Why is an Indian restaurant worse than other restaurants, btw? Is it the ingredients they use?

Just playing devil's advocate here so don't shout back but:

Any chance that Ex knows the people at the restaurant and they are doing ds a special meal?

Any chance the restaurant specialises in this anyway so Ex is actually being mega-responsible?

I also respectfully suggest that a 12 year old is quite able to say - "Dad, I can't eat this because of my allergy - remember?" Surely he does this when he's out with mates or on holiday?

I do understand and respect your fears but I just wondered if it's gone a bit out of proportion for you?

An indian restaurant is far too risky for a nut allergic person. There've been several deaths due to takeaways/restaurant meals in this type of restaurant.

If ExP is playing his allergy down then I highly doubt that he's even told the staff the severity of it. They use nuts and nut flour all the time in Indian cooking, so the kitchens will be highly contaminated. It's just too risky. ds1 even reacts if he just touches them.

I've told ds1 to tell his father if he can't eat something, but apparently the entire family just use it as a reason to argue against him ExP has told ds1 that I'm "paranoid" I wonder if the doctor who issues the Epipens is also paranoid then.

ExP can't go to see the paed because he lives at the other end of the country. He only sees ds1 during school holidays. He doesn't live with this every day. He also has a history of mental abuse and he uses this allergy to cause me stress and worry. ds1 has had minor reactions whilst with his father and his father hasn't even bothered to give him his antihistamines.

Obviously I don't know your ds but this is what I would do.

I would talk to ds and tell him what his Dad has planned. Ds will then say "But Mum, surely I can't eat that stuff?"

You say "Yes, that's what I think - what do you think we should do?"

That way ds is leading the way with this and is involved. You are then not an evil schemer.

Get advice from school nurse/GP as to the way forward and also get some "just in case I need it" legal advice.

When is this restaurant trip due to happen?

Any chance Ex is just suggesting it to wind you up?

Has your ex ever seen your DS react to nuts? If not and he has no experience of allergies it is very easy for him to disbelieve what can happen even if your DS doesn't eat an actual nut.

I am, of course, not advocating letting your DS go and have a reaction just to prove a point to his father but is there some way he can be shown what kind of reaction your DS has?

The paed said she wasn't going to do a challenge test to test his reaction due to him being allergic to so many different types of nut.

His father has seen him get skin rashes and swollen eyes, but it doesn't seem to bother him. ds1 takes his own antihistamines, but is sometimes not sure when he has to take them and the correct dosage. His father won't even monitor that. The whole family don't check labels properly and dismiss 'may contain' labels whereas I've taught ds1 how to check properly and not to take risks because he's not experienced enough to be able to judge.

He could just be doing it to wind me up. It was due to take place over Christmas but ds1 didn't want to visit and wouldn't go. Obviously I can't stop him from seeing him, but I just want him to be safe.

Interesting that ds didn't want to go. Perhaps he is picking up on their slap-dash attitudes and feels wary of being there.

If so, he is becoming very mature and self-aware.

Time to teach him more about his allergy and teach him about meds and dosage and timings, I think. There will come a time (very soon as he is already 12) when he will take control for himself but until then I think you need to arm him with all the information and knowledge to help himself.

But do get medical/legal advice in case you need it.

I have hay fever and an allergy to horses they give me a tight chest. I doubt I would die without my anti histamines but it is very uncomfortable. So to fail to give your ds his medication is beyond me.
That your ex would put your ds life in danger just to get one up on you is unbelievable.
I don't know enough about severe allergies so sorry if I make any incorrect assumptions but is yr son getting to an age where he could start to take responsibility for his condition .Could he carry antihistamines or epipen on him?
X sounds abusive and controlling, but what would happen if said "no dad I don't want to go to xyz /eat x food etc."
Does he want to carry on seeing his df I assume he could make his own feelings clear to a court.

thanx I was told by the solicitor to get he paed to write to him about it. Then, if he ignores the letter I'll be able to got to court for a Specific Issue Order.

ds1 is really good about his allergy and I've explained that it's his body and he has a right to protect himself and be assertive if necessary. His father is a bit of a bully though and he's a difficult person to stand up to (NPD traits).

I just hope the paed can help. People don't like getting involved in contact problems or 'taking sides' iyswim. The gp said it would be difficult to say for certain that visiting such a restaurant is medically risky, it's more of a social choice and if his father sees fit to take risks like that who are the medical profession to interfere? It's not as cut and dried as, say, giving a diabetic a diet of mars bars or something.

there is no way an indian restaurant could guarantee no nuts.

they cook in peanut oil
almonds in peswari naans
almonds in kormas
it will be all over the kitchen.

I hate this allergy. I wish there was some preventative treatment for it.

Yes, alypaly, this is what I mean. There is no way any indian restaurant can safely guarantee the meal is nut free. It's crazy of him to even think about this. Why can't he just take him to a different kind of restaurant? He could just be doing this to frighten me. It's backfiring on him though because ds1 is getting to the point where he doesn't feel safe visiting.

Well if the medical profession don't want to interfere then it'll have to be the legal profession.

Sounds like the medical profession would get involved if he swallowed a peanut wouldn't they? Strange attitude - surely that would be perceived as negligent if they knew the danger was there and did nothing to challenge it. Suppose it must be a line they don't cross.

Get to grips with your legal position and empower ds a bit more.

Horrible situation. Do your other children know about all this?

I agree with Ooopsadaisy. Work with your DS to make sure that he knows when and how to take his medicine and what to do in an emergency.

I do think that he old enough to take responsibility for managing his allergy himself. Is he just 12 or almost 13yo? Obviously, it is not ideal, he should have the support of his father.

What does your DS say about his Dad's behaviour towards his allergy? Is he able to stand up to his Dad? That is difficult.

He's just 12. There's no point in going down the legal route without medical backup. This is the problem that I have.

His brother knows he's nut allergic and we all just get on with it on a day to day basis. It's not a huge problem. It only crops up as a problem when ExP is arsing around

ds is confused about his father's attitude, but he seems to realise that perhaps how much the family claim to care isn't reflected in their behaviour. Even ExPs mother doesn't take proper care and she argues with him as well. How the heck can you argue over something like that? The paed has agreed that what I'm teaching him is appropriate and ds1 has heard it from the paed as well, so he knows I'm not teaching him anything unreasonable. ExPs family are so arrogant they believe they know best and will not take any advice. They're all like this. You can't reason with them.

Is the brother older or younger?

Do they visit together?

i've read your previous threads on this problem so i know that your DS has difficulty standing up to his father and the family, and that this actually quite a complex issue.
I'm sorry that your ex is persisting in this appaling behaviour and am sorry that it's proving so difficult to get the legal backing you need.

His brother belongs to dh so he doesn't visit with him. ds1 goes alone. He does carry his own antihistamines, inhaler and epipen. He does really well at understanding his allergy, but he also has adhd, so forgets things and gets muddled up.

Fingers crossed for the hospital visit tomorrow.

I've just found this thread looking for advice as my daughter had a (non-shock) reaction to cashew today (rash, hot, lethargic, vomiting). I cannot believe a parent would be dismissive of such a scary and potentially life-threatening condition.

Huge sympathy to you and I hope you got what you needed at the appointment today.

Also hope ExP sees sense without your son having to really suffer.

xHugx

Just a quick update because I'm now in bed with the flu That's what you get for going near sick people in hospital.

The paed said that she could write a letter to him saying that it would be a risk and inadvisable to take a severely nut allergic person into an indian restaurant.

She did say that she'd need to conduct repeat skin prick tests because she said the RAST test scores were low. This has been the case everytime he's had a RAST test, but his skin pricks always come out strongly positive, so I don't know which one they take more notice of.

She said that she'd like him to undergo a challenge test on either each type of nut, or a mixed nut challenge. She said that 20% if children grow out of nut allergy.

She couldn't understand why ExP has to take him to an indian restaurant - why not go to a different type or just cook at home?

So, back to the hospital in Feb 'cos ds1 wouldn't have the skin pricks there and then because I'd told him we were just going there to talk and he's just had pricks done at another hospital.

He also had some epipen training from a very nice nurse and she explained some stuff about his antihistamines too.

ds1 doesn't want to visit ExP until the letter has been sent - so I now have the dubious pleasure of writing to him to explain what's going on - all his doing I suppose

thank you for all your kind replies. It is so stressful going through this. It's been going on for a long time, but you never get used to it.

Gettingthehangofthisatlast - it is stressful, but you learn to cope. Push for plenty of tests with an allergy specialist. You do get used to it after a while and kids cope really well with learning what to eat/not to eat.

Keep your chin up and let us know how you get on.

xxx