Christmas parties with my allergic DS

[greenbananas]

Although some of my family are great, not all are supportive - some think I am just being dramatic about DS allergies (e.g. "he can't possibly be allergic to all those things")

DS reacts on skin contact to dairy and is also allergic to nuts, eggs, bananas and a few other things. Our family gatherings tend to involve slightly chaotic buffet-style meals. I am scared to death about going, particularly as one of my sisters refuses to discuss allergies (or anything else!) with me at all and has 4 children who may well leave food lying around.

Am I unreasonable to be afraid about this?

Not at all unreasonable. I find family parties one of the most stressful aspects of my dds allergies. Crapola!

I will watch with interest any suggestions.

This year we are hosting and I'm feeling more relaxed!

No not being unreasonable at all, especially after you had to use your epipen the other weeek for a contact allergic reaction.

Xmas is supposed to be a relaxing family time of year, and your sister sounds like mine - if it doesn't 'fit' the normal way of things it just can't possibly be true or happening.

Could you not ba a party at yours with allergen free food - it may just open their eyes.

Oh just realised Whelk is doing that.

How old is your DS? I felt nervous when my DS started to go to toddler groups and children's parties. He knew from about 2.5 that he could get ill if he ate certain foods and that he wasn't to touch any food without checking with me first. He was so sensible about it (and he's not a particularly sensible boy!) and he is still cautious now, even though he has outgrown many of his allergies.

Whelk thank you for understanding - that really helps! It's great you're hosting this year - means you can be sure all the food is safe and that nobody has forgotten about sweets under the sofa etc. I am very - despite all the trouble and expense!

mumbar thank you for remembering about DS's contact reaction. It seems I am not the only one who has a sister who 'does not compute' things she thinks shouldn't be happening My sister has never really got over the fact that she (the 'expert' with 4 kids!) was wrong about DS allergies - and sadly that was the catalyst for the almost total destruction of our relationship

yellowkiwi - DS is 2.2 and has already figured out that he is not supposed to eat food I have not previously approved. However, I don't really trust him to avoid allergens because he is so very young. It is hard, isn't it?

Thank you all so much for your lovely responses

You have my sympathy, it really is very difficult. To begin with, like you, I was most concerned about my DD picking up something she shouldn't, or being given something by someone else. As she's got older, and better at asking/telling people what she can and can't have, I am getting more worried about her feeling left out. For example, a few times now at birthday parties, when the birthday cake has come out, she has gone very quiet and asked to go home

So, for a little while now we have been using a special lunch box, to take to parties. It only comes out for parties, and is pink and sparkly.
Usually I try and find out in advance what sort of thing the host will be making, and try to make things in the special box that look a bit like the food being served. And plenty of treets. I'm afraid that unless I know EXACTLY how the host made the food, we just advoid. And I know a few hosts have been relieved that they haven't had to cater especially for my DD.

nellymoo, the special lunch box is a great idea - I will be out lookng for sparkly lunchboxes / lunchboxes with trains or diggers on Monday!

I am also worried about DS feeling left out.. particularly as I'm not sure what my nieces have been told about DS's allergies. Tbh, I've been really upset about the whole thing today and seriously considering just staying at home on our own all Christmas - but then DS really would be left out

But anyway, the lunchbox is a brilliant plan so thanks for that.

I find taking dds food much less stressful than having to stand in the kitchen and check every last ingredient. People make so many mistakes unless you check everything which lets face it is pretty crappy for everyone.

I have found that as long as the food I take for dd is similar to what everyone else is eating but, importantly, better (in her eyes- i.e lots of hula hoops/ diary free choccy buttons - junk!!!) she is fine with it. And at least I can relax.

On several occasions there has been some jealousy from other dds but hell there have to be some bloody upsides!

I love the sparkly lunch box idea! For my dd the pinker and spaklier the better.

Greenbananas I totally understand you wanting to staying at home. You deserve a restful Xmas too. I've had mixed experiences of this, with the positive ones being with my mum who takes every precaution to safeguard my dds including not having nuts int he house at all.

Relatives who don't understand make things so much worse. Is there anyway you can pop in for a bit and see how you go? What is your dh's view?

jealousy from other dcs- not my dd- who is also allergic!

Whelk, thank you for understanding. I totally agree about taking food along - so much less stressful for all concerned. That's what I tend to do when we visit friends (and will be putting it in a sparkly lunchbox from now on!)

DH's view is that we should not see my family at all - he just hates seeing me upset. Sadly, we can't just pop in for a bit because the party is happening miles away and we would be dependent on lifts (we don't have a car).

The main problem is one of my sisters, who has always been dismissive of my concerns about DS. She hasn't spoken to me since last Christmas - that's been really hard and I'm dreading seeing her anyway. I would be able to handle the whole thing better if I knew what her attitide to DS's safety was going to be. I'm worried that either she will refuse to acknowledge the severity of the situation (and I'll spend the entire time terrified that her DCs will unintentionally smear him with margarine) or she'll make a right song and dance about it and make DS feel really excluded...

It's so sad to feel like I have to protect DS from my sister - and not fair on the rest of the family because they do want to see us - but I have pretty much made up my mind to stay at home tbh

We are having DH's parents here on Christmas Day, and that'll be fairly stress-free (we see a lot of them anyway). So at least we will not be totally on our own

i would go and take my childs own food. did that for many years, until my family 'got it'

must confess that i used a newspaper clipping to ram our situation home to every one. a article of someone who died from a nut allergy. i gave it to them to skim over , and added, that our boy had many many more allergies than just peanut allergy, and all could 'take him away' if he wasnt careful.
my son was very young at the time, and i was fed up with having to stress every time we got together about food. fed up of hearing the 'oh, just give him a little bit, it will build up his resistance'

i never expected them to really understand instantly, as they dont live with it,
but wanted to get across that as a young kid, just not giving him the food, but giving it to other kids in the room was not a safe environment for him.

over the years, everyone made sure, without me having to phone, that everything was safe. if they had a problem , they rang to ask, and i would bring something.

so, my advice is to be patient, you might get some support in the end. although, i have to say, my family may not of understood my stress, but because of repeated reactions to new stuff, hosptial visits over the years, they understand now!

hhowever dont let them put your child at risk, they dont undestand, you do, and you are the barrier that protects your child until they are old enough to cope on their own.

and , if you have to sadly conclude that they are always going to be dangerous around your kids, stop seeing them, until your kids is older.

That sounds so difficult with your sister. How sad.
It is sad how some relationships can't seem to sope with the issues an allergic child throws up. You made an intersting point about how you ds challenges her perceived expertise.
I think that is the problem with my mil. She has always taken the view that she knows best, has done it before you know (etc etc) but cannot handle that she doesn't in fact know best about my dds as she hasn't had to deal with food allergies.

I'm glad your dh sounds supportive and protective of you.

Its hard but you can't take a risk with allergies. Can you speak to your sister before?

cope not sop.
I seriously need a new keyboard. This has been mangled by dd2

Yes, it is very sad isn't it? You'd think that family would be more understanding. I suppose there must be very deep cracks in a relationship already for it to break under the strain of allergies.

I can't ring my sister beforehand because she has expressly forbidden me ever to talk about allergies to her again. She is prepared to talk about the weather but not about allergies. She says that I went on and on about it in the days when she didn't believe me and to be fair that is probably true

Anyway I have now decided that we will not be seeing my family over Christmas (actually, DH has 'put his foot down') and I am feeling much better although obviously still sad about it.

Thank you lovely ladies for your support - it helps so much to know that some other people do understand how it feels to look after an allergic child at big parties etc.

Well bloody done Greenbananas to say no!!!

I am for you though that your sister has forbidden you to talk about it. Why shouldn't you go on about it, its so hard at times. (I bet you haven't anyway!)

Have a lovely Xmas with your ds and your dh (who sounds great btw)

Thank you!! That means a lot

Don't understand your family's attitude at all. Will it take the child passing out and te epipen being used before they get it? I would take a box of food, especially good stuff, and let your son eat that.

My friends Ds has phenylketonuria

He has always had to take his own food to parties.

So sorry you are getting no support from your sister, your Dh does sound great Have a fab xmas!

Oh my Goodness I am shocked and sad for you Greenbananas. I'm afraid that if it were my sister who had this attitude, I would not be able to STOP talking to her about allergies. In fact, I would bombard her with reams and reams of of literature/emails/texts about allergies, every day, until she got the message. I am not very nice though, and get a bit fierce about protecting my child .

I'm sure we allergy-Mums could compile a nice loooooong reading list for her .

It's hard enough trying to do daily battles with everyone else, be it nursary, school, ruddy useless GPs, HVs etc etc without having family on side too.

Really, you're better off staying away at Christmas. If she can't be bothered, neither should you.

I hope you and your family have a lovely, relaxed day.

Why is your sister being such an arse?? Does she not like you stealing her thunder with your DS's allergies or something stupid? Is she jealous of the attention he gets? Course you went on and on about it, but it doesn't make it not true!!! Just plain weird...

Must admit that my family are quite good. Partly because they have had to clear up and/or smell the consequences of 'just this once' accidents.
I appreciate greenbananas that your situation is far more severe, but i do think that your sister needs to know that they are putting their own flesh and blood's life at risk.
You might have to be strong for a few years and say that you can't go unless the food is contained in 1 room, or that you will only go after everyone has eaten - or before - or not go at all until all parties are aware of the consequences and act appropriately.
If you had an alcoholic, you wouldn't let the drinks be left lying around - if there was a snappy dog - you wouldn't let it play alone with the children - where is her problem.

Thank you all - it really does help that people understand. The situation with my sister is rather complicated and I am feeling so much better now that I have decided we will simply stay away.