To my dear sister. R aged 66 and an alcoholic.From your sister aged 61. Please read.

[victoriaspongecake]

R this is for you. My lovely sister is an alcoholic. The sister I looked up to. The sister who was a nurse helping others for 40 years. The sister who has a lovely home / husband / 3 lovely daughters and 4 lovely grandchildren. The sister who retired from work just after me. The sister who came with me to garden centres and for lunch out. Apparently she has been an alcoholic for over 10 years. Her behaviour was the reason her daughter and partner and grandchild moved out of their house. Her behaviour is the reason that the same daughter will be homeless as she’s split from the childrens father and has to move out of her flat. She was hoping to move back home but can’t now. Her behaviour is the reason her middle daughter no longer visits with her 2 children. After much ado her husband has taken the car keys off her so at least she’s not putting anyone else at risk now. Now she walks down the hill into town every single day ( when she previously walked nowhere) and now (lowest of the low ) SHE HIDES BOTTLES OF GIN BEHIND THE YELLOW SALT BIN HALF WAY UP THE HILL. Yes sister I have seen you doing this and put food colouring in the bottle to make you think. And yes sister I have checked the bottle to see how much you have drunk. The alcohol services can’t engage with you until you admit it. You will not admit it. Even when your youngest daughter has filmed you plastered on the settee at school pick up time. Even when your eldest grandson got a bottle of water out of the fridge and swigged it but it was gin. Yet you said it was him over reacting. Even when you were pissed in the garden in a tent and had wet yourself. I wanted to remove the gun bottles as I’m scared one of the passing school children may pick it up. But alcohol services say to leave it there as it’s safer for you. It’s all about you. Obv.
I’m thoroughly ashamed of you. And so would mum and dad be. Luckily they aren’t around to see how you behave.
Your eyesight is affected. You are not eating right. You look thin and ill.
You daughters all have problems that they would love to share with you and ask for your help with but they can’t. One daughter has a particularly awful problem they really need help with. Cos they never know when you will be drunk. I’d love to share things with you. But again I never know if you are drinking or not. I’ve been your excuse for so long. You called round with a plant for me or some food for me. And stood on my doorstep. When really it was an excuse for you to swig the gin in your car on the way round.
Alcohol services say you need to reach out for yourself. Well it will be too late if you ever do. Cos you’ve ruined your children and grandchildren’s lives and ruined mine too. I do hope the gin was worth it. We are all willing to support you. You can afford a private rehab unit. But you won’t admit it.

From your sister. Aged 61. And very sad.

Does your sister come onto MN?

It's so awful seeing someone you love destroy themselves through alcohol. To see the person they were disappear and a not very nice person replace them. The lies, the denial, the manipulation, it's just awful. I had to cut my best mate of over 45 years out my life, I could not deal with it any longer.

I hope your sister is one day ready to receive the help she needs. My brother is an alcoholic but still the same person he ever was, and he is getting help. Whether he will ever beat it, I have no idea, but alcohol is so destructive.

Your letter was heartfelt and raw and I hope you found it therapeutic putting that all down on paper so to speak.

Thankyou so much for your reply. I find it impossible to understand alcoholism tho I have read all about it and tried so hard to be sympathetic. I was a health professional who used to deal with the end physical problems that alcoholics often have such as liver failure / amputations etc but have little understanding of the addiction side.
My own two children no longer visit her. I feel for her daughters and husband. And for myself. I have lost my only sister.
Thanks for listening x

So sorry OP ultimately you cannot help someone until they want help. Sadly it’s usually when they have done Catastrophic damage to their organs. Focus on the good in your life and enjoy time with your nieces.

Your nieces are lucky to have you.

hand hold.

and I would remove the gin bottle from behind the salt bin. I’m afraid my mother instincts would matter more to an innocent child finding it than the stability of your sister.

Has it helped to have written it down? I wrote a similar letter to my sister once, which I still have. She was 40 at the time. Now nearly 60 and a few rehabs later, nothing much has changed. Well, not for her it hasn't but so much has changed for me.

Your sister is very ill, but she doesn't need you to be ashamed of her. She is already ashamed of herself. Yes, she is ruining lives, hers and others, but only because you are allowing her behaviour do that.

Counting bottles, checking on hiding place, colouring drinks (never thought of that one!), following her. Believe me, I did those things continually for years and it drove me to near insanity. The only person you can control is you. The only behaviour you can change is your own. It was a hard lesson for me to learn but it has brought me some peace in the chaos that comes with loving an alcoholic.

I feel very sorry for all of you. She is in the grip of something she can’t control - saying you are ashamed of her and she has ruined people’s lives will not help her admit to needing help with this awful illness. She will already feel far worse about herself than anyone else can. She is very ill. I hope she can admit to needing and seek help. She may not. You and the family are clearly suffering too. I’m so sorry.

Thankyou all for your kind words. The manipulation and lies are the worst.
sadly she’s not at all ashamed of what she’s doing and doesn’t feel awful about it. She is quite merrily getting drunk / hiding alcohol etc with no repurcussioms. Even on the days her and her husband look after their 3 year old grand daughter. He takes the little girl out for the day so she doesn’t see her grandma so drunk. Easier when the weather is nice.
I may be a very bad person and worse sister but I have absolutely no sympathy for her. I will be here for my lovely nieces. She’s not there for my children tho.
thanks everyone. I do hope she sees this and reflects on it. We are all so very willing to help her if only she’d let us.

It might be a good idea for your family to consider help for yourselves from Al Anon, which is a 12 step programme for the family/friends of somebody who has an alcohol problem.
It seems as if your sister has not reached rock bottom yet, as she still has a home, money to buy alcohol etc.

Is she on MN?

You need Al-Anon OP,nothing you do or say will have any impact on your sister.I have been sober over 23 years now,in the rooms of AA. Nothing anyone said or did made any difference to me,I carried on drinking,until I nearly died.

One day I had just had enough,that was the end of my drinking,unfortunately most alcoholics don’t want to stop drinking,that is the sad truth.

Call Al-Anon and get some support for you and your family.

The manipulation and lies are part of her illness

Hi yes she reads the mumsnet posts in the night when she can’t sleep.