How has sobriety affected your relationship?

[Todayisanewday75]

When I met DP nearly 19 years ago we were both big drinkers and continued to be (apart from my two pregnancies) until the beginning of this year when I started my sober journey, not out of the blue but after years of thinking and attempting. I’ve had a few blips but have got back on track each time and my ultimate goal is complete abstinence. Never thought I could actually do what I’ve done so far so abstinence doesn’t feel that scary anymore.

The thing is with the new clarity I have started questioning a lot of things. He still drinks daily and it doesn’t trigger me (my one rule is no white wine in the house) but I find it hard to communicate with him when he’s had a few drinks and seeing drunkenness through sober eyes is very different. That’s not the main thing though. He has behaved pretty awfully before and although I didn’t just let it go, I probably didn’t give it as much gravity as I would have totally sober. I don’t want to go into details here though but I don’t know if I am over thinking now or if my drinking kept me stuck in a relationship that might not be right for me. Before anyone asks, I am totally safe in my current situation, just increasingly pissed off and resentful.

Sorry, rambling a bit and not really asking a question but would be interested in hearing anyone else’s experiences/thoughts.

it’s an interesting question. In my case I’ve realised that I have spent most of my adult life using alcohol to mask my sensory issues around sex, and that’s causing some issues with DH since I stopped drinking much. I find him drinking now gives me the ick, too, which isn’t helping. I also understand questioning your relationship with more sober clarity.

That sounds tough. I guess when we’re drinking we don’t see all the emotions and thoughts it covers up and then when we stop they come back and hit us, raw and real.

I think I was lucky with this, but it wasn’t something I’d really thought about. When I gave up daily drinking I did it for me, but less than a couple of weeks after I stopped, he also did. Now we do still drink, but only at holidays and I get a bottle of wine which lasts me a week as I just have a small glass with my main meal. To be honest I think I would have ended up feeling resentful if he had have carried on, although I was more focused on myself during that time. For both health and cost reasons!

I don’t resent his drinking, after a certain point it isn’t pretty and does not look like fun. I guess just questioning the past and not sure how I feel about it all now, how I feel about him now without the fog of drinking/being hungover/thinking about drinking etc.