DHs drinking- should I be worried?

[Feelinuncomfy]

Hey everyone

name changed to be safe

I wanted to I guess just get others opinions on this and see if I should be concerned or not

DH drinks daily. Only evenings. Very occasional lunchtime if we eat out but rare.

I think it’s a lot (I don’t drink really at all) but if I raise it with him he doesn’t think it’s a problem and ‘could stop if he wanted’

He drinks 3-4 (usually 4) large cans of beer each evening. Stronger types like Stella

some evenings, usually weekend, will have this plus a large glass bottle of cider (again, I think it’s a stronger brand, Henry Weston?)

Hes early 40s. Fit as he does exercise but a little overweight if relevant.

is this a lot? Sorry I feel too embarrassed to talk to anyone in real life about it

Yes, he has a problem with alcohol.

I think it’s a lot. Drinking every day isn’t healthy (it might not be unusual as it seems lots do it).

Mumsnet will tell you he's a raging alcoholic.
Can he stop easily?
Does he need it, or simply enjoy it?
How much does it impact you/your life together?
Is his level of drinking increasing or stable?I
How does he feel about it?

(His consumption is above guidelines for safe drinking - so the older he gets the more it will impact his health)

Yes. It's a lot. If he has an alcohol problem, he may well be drinking at other times and hiding it from you.

It will be taking a huge toll on his health, even if it isn’t visible.

He claims he doesn’t need it, but it is very much part of his ‘evening wind down’ and he would not willingly stop. If I ask him, he says he could if he wanted but doesn’t want to. Feels bored without drinking.

He never seems drunk, I’m guessing the tolerance is quite high?

It doesn’t impact life really, he is full functioning- but I’m finding it incredibly anxiety inducing and stressful to be honest.

I could have written this myself.

My DH is exactly the same, has 4 or 5 cans of Stella a night and more at weekends although never actually gets drunk or anything.

He says he doesn't have a problem, he can stop whenever he likes (which he can as he had to last year for a while) However he says he enjoys it and it helps him relax and cope with his busy work life.

He does have a massively stressful job so it helps him unwind and relax.

He is very fit, eats healthily, exercises regularly and is not overweight.

He says this is 'his thing' and he doesn't spend money on other things and doesn't over indulge in any other way so doesn't see an issue with having a few cans every evening.

It is his life, and so far doesn't impact us so I leave him be although wishing he would drink less (he knows this)

If he was told to stop for health reasons he would.

We are both early 50's but he has been drinking every night (other than the odd time we he has had to abstain) for at least 10 years now.

But I am with you, and its hard as I know it can't be good for him and I do worry how it will impact his life as he gets older.

I can only hope, once he retires and has less stress in his life that he cuts back at least.

Thing is you won’t know if he can “stop easily” until he does. And he won’t if he doesn’t think he has a problem.

my brother was like this. Few cans to “relax”, could stop if he wanted etc.

until he came to ours one Christmas. I had a 6 pack in for him- we don’t drink at home. He absolutely panicked that it wasn’t enough and the shops would be closed Christmas/Boxing Day, so had us driving around looking for an off licence late Christmas Eve for more.

he realised then that even if it was just “to relax” he was emotionally dependent if not physically. He cut down drastically and 20 year later it’s only the occasional beer when eating out.

I’d not say he’s absoltely got a problem or an alcoholic, mumsnet do run to extremes on alcohol, but I’d say it’s feasible he does, and this is very unhealthy and the question really is can he stop if he chooses. It maybe as he says, habit, a wind down etc, but it’s a lot a lot.

the advisable limit is 14 units a week, a large can of Stella has 2.5, so on a nightly basis he’s drinking about 10 units, so 70 over the week, and then on top of that, the cider is about 4 units a bottle so he’s probably doing about 80 units a week.

it will be doing his liver a lot of damage, and as much as he maybe healthy now, that will sadly not be true for very much longer.

i think I’d ask him to have a month off as a reset. Or if he can’t do that, maybe allocate 2 drink free nights a week and build up to it. I’d not go in all accusatory throwing labels around. But say you’re worried as he’s drinking about 80 units a week, so could he take a break to reset his liver.

This was my DH. Forty years of 3-6 cans of beer every night. Spirits only occasionally. Never drank in the morning, held down a responsible full time job. I thought it was too much, (he NEVER had a day off), he disagreed.
He’s now in his early 60’s, he was medically retired from work last year after it became apparent that his memory was failing. He is now in the early stages of young onset dementia; his consultant is sure it was brought on by the relentless daily drinking; his body never had a chance to recover in between drinks. I’m now facing being his carer, alongside working full time to pay for everything.
Don’t let it drift on - I wish every day that I’d put my foot down earlier.

I'd leave him to it. Men can tolerate higher intake than women. He is not abusive, doesn't appear that it interferes with finances, behaviour etc. He is working away, doesn't seem to be abusive in any way.

I think unless it affects life in general as above, there is a lot to be said for letting adults get on with their own way of living. I would hate to be told to stop something that doesn't affect anyone else, and everyone has their own way of winding down. Some like cream cakes and raid the fridge, some smoke weed, some take coke, cigarettes, whatever.

The bottom line for me would be - is it affecting me, finances, behaviour and family life? If not, away you go.

There is a lot of judgment and tut tutting about lifestyle that in other countries is considered normal, like the Med countries who indulge in their wine every day lunch and dinner and apero etc. never get drunk and live to a ripe old age too!

Feeling a bit sorry I disparaged Mumsnet in my first post!
There's some really considered, sensible responses on here.
Hoping they help you find a perspective on it all.

I would suggest he has a couple nights off for health but I don't think he is a raging alcoholic.

This was my step father. It was completely normalised.

At 64 he had a massive stroke, brought on by undiagnosed T2 diabetes. He stopped drinking that day and has never drunk since. He has stage 4 liver disease in addition. 7 years on and he remains very disabled having veen a previously outwardly healthy 4 or 5 cans a day man.

He's drinking a fair bit more than is recommended. That might be harming him physically or he might be getting away with it for now. At the end of the day if he doesn't want to change you can't force him. I would encourage him to have a couple of days off a week - can you do something together on those evenings so he's not bored at home with no beer? I am a big believer that you can't just take things away and keep everything else the same - that's always going to be a bit shit. You need substitute activities.

Do you have kids OP? I persuaded my dh not to drink daily because it wasn't modelling great behaviour to the kids. He has now really got into his low alc beers which he says perform much the same 'switch off it's evening ' function along with a dish of crisps.

But my dh is quite health conscious, and kind of knew he should cut down anyway. I would be concerned that yours is shutting that information out because he is somewhat wedded to the habit. He must know somewhere in his mind it's an unhealthy amount? Why isn't he acknowledging that?

It’s a lot but there are a lot of people who drink this amount and function absolutely fine. That doesn’t make it normal.

personally think drinking that amount, that often is a sign of a problem but I’m on the fence. To me, Alcohol is the devil because it’s so easily available and society pushes us to drink especially in social situations which can lead to life ruining conversations or actions and hangovers. To others, it’s just a few beers and there’s rarely any negative consequences. Realistically, away from judgement, is there any harm in them carrying on?

However, his health and his pocket must be really suffering. If he “can stop if he wanted” could you entice him into a dry January type of affair? See if he can then see any benefit himself?

It may not currently be affecting o/p or their life generally, but as other posters have said, fast forward a few years and she could be looking at caring for a man with liver disease or early onset dementia. And it will be affect finances, 4 cans of Stella a day is a fair chunk down the toilet.

the med drinking habits you refer to are very different. It’s one or two glasses of wine, with food, spread throughout the day. Even if they do drink everyday, that’s 14 or so units a week. That’s not getting in from work and drinking 4 cans of Stella- again pp has estimated it’s about 70-80 units a week.

it may not be a problem now, but could well be storing up problems for the future. Which will be on o/p.

Someone who drinks alcohol every single day definitely has a problem with alcohol. Regardless of how well they’re functioning in life otherwise. That’s not normal and it’s not healthy. I don’t think you’re unreasonable to be concerned.

@Usernamenotfound1 "until he came to ours one Christmas. I had a 6 pack in for him- we don’t drink at home. He absolutely panicked that it wasn’t enough and the shops would be closed Christmas/Boxing Day"

To be fair, a six pack of beer for the entire Christmas would be classed as a bit on the scant side by quite a lot of people, me included. Especially as there was (presumably) no other booze in the house. And no, I'm not an alcoholic or even a heavy drinker myself.

That’s 72 units of alcohol a week not including anything he has at lunch time. The NHS recommendations is no more than 14 units a week.

There is a great quote from Laura McOwen which is something like: the question is not “are things bad enough they have to change, but are things good enough to stay the same. And above it all, are you free?”

Objectively, that amount of alcohol is unhealthy, but that probably isn’t incentive enough to make a change on its own.

Alcohol will be negatively impacting on sleep, weight, mood, fitness, gut etc, but it’s really hard to realise that until you have a reasonable period without it - and unfortunately a “reasonable period” for the full benefits to be felt is about 3 months (which will feel impossibly long for someone who doesn’t think they have a problem!)

I recommend “Drink?” By David Nutt for a very balanced read on the impact of alcohol

oh - I meant to say in my PP. Does he read, or listen to audiobooks? The Good Drinker, by Adrian Chiles is a good read / listen. Its a book about a life time of heavy drinking (but not obviously dysfunctional drinking) and his realisation that it was going to catch up with him if he didn't make some changes. It's a book about moderating, not quitting, and aside from the worthwhile messages, it's quite entertaining.

This is a screenshot from the David Nutt book. It is the statistical impact of various activities on life expectancy (there are of course instances of people who drink a lot and live to 90, but this is an attempt at a risk quantification) (apologies - image may not load)