I’ll try and keep this brief: found out in Dec that DH has been secretly drinking (e.g. when WFH, whilst on the train home from work, random Saturday afternoons) for the past 5 years. Embarrassingly, I thought he had some sort of neurological condition that was affecting him as he has diagnosed ADHD & assumed it must be linked. I asked outright many times if he’d been drinking and he completely denied it and I just can’t conceive of lying about something like this. Our primary aged children were aware when he was in these “zone outs” as he was like a space cadet. He is in a high-paying professional job so I just couldn’t imagine he could be drinking whilst working.
He was very ashamed and sorry. Attended a few AA meetings and had 2 counselling sessions through work. Relapsed start of January on a day I was bed bound with a migraine and drove DD to an after school club. He barefaced lied when I confronted him, but I could smell it on him. He confessed eventually but was unpleasant about the whole thing.
Last night he suggested I read whilst he watched some of the golf. When he came up to bed, he was clearly wasted. I asked him if he’d been drinking and he just wouldn’t answer. He kept saying I was being intimidating, which is ridiculous as I was just asking him directly if he’d been drinking. Eventually confessed to drinking a bottle of Prosecco and blamed me because I didn’t have sex with him this past week.
I will be honest, we have had sex a few times since January, but not loads as I don’t feel safe or like I trust him. My nervous system has been off kilter and as he’s completely stopped seeking any professional help (which is something I said was important to me), I’ve felt pretty let down.
He kept saying that he’s been sober for 90 days, what else could it possibly take for me to feel safe….I am just flabbergasted as surely he can understand that 5 years of completely odd / unpredictable behaviour is not going to be resolved in 3 months?
Am I unusual in finding intimacy affected after discovering this sort of information out? I appreciate that intimacy is hugely important, but I feel the trust needs to be restored. I feel dreadful at the prospect of separating for the sake of the children, but I’m feeling like I just want to be on my own and not have to deal with this anymore.