Alcoholic Mum

[HolaPretty87]

Hi all

Wondering if anyone can offer any words of wisdom. My mum who is in her 70s has had a problematic relationship with alcohol for as far back as I can remember. Childhood memories include my caring, loving mum transforming into a terrifying woman who told me I was a failure, a disappointment etc and having to deal with the fall out of alcohol binges which included vomiting, injuries, coming down to chaos in the morning with broken furniture, food everywhere etc. I largely just adapted to it and when I left home I was no longer around it. Over the years she has made various statements about giving up alcohol but has never really sustained it and my Dad now has to put up with all of the above except it has now taken a new direction because of her and obviously falls at her age are dangerous. Recently she fell in the street, it took 5 people to get her up. This was then followed by another fall where she sustained the most horrendous compound fracture (through the skin) with a huge blood loss resulting in an ambulance rushing her to hospital and a lengthy operation to put her leg back together. I dont know when she will be out of hospital or what this will now mean for life going forward etc. I am devastated. I have tried to talk to my mum about this through the years and different ways of stopping or maintaining sobriety. I know in AA they say someone has to want to change, but there is so much denial from my mum. Despite the collateral damage her alcohol use has caused and continues to cause, she will not accept or admit that there is an issue. Without drink she is the kindest, most helpful and lovely person who always thinks of others and tries to see the good. In drink she is a person I do not recognise. I am oscillating between feeling deep sadness, that I should have done more to stop this, to anger that my childhood was marked with traumatic events which I have sought counselling for and anger that someone will not see the impact of their actions. I am also feeling pretty angry that we are now expected to just say that it was a fall. Not that the fall would not have happened if she hadn't been drinking. Does anyone have any helpful advice/suggestions or experiences of similar? I am thinking of going to an Al-Anon meeting tomorrow as I need to make some peace with this somewhere.

What a really sad and difficult situation for you, you sound like a wonderful daughter, a lot of people would have given up.

if she is currently in hospital they can make the necessary referrals to alcohol cessation but that does involve her wanting to engage with various agencies. You could also ask them to put a care plan in place for her discharge (this is standard but tell them about the alcohol issues) and clear out any alcohol from the house. If it’s not there and she can’t get out to buy it then it’s not readily available!

that I should have done more to stop this - i think it’s time to seek help,
stop taking responsibility for a parent and defo say it like it is at the hospital (don’t say it was just a fall! your anger is showing that you finally won’t cover up anymore and won’t make excuses for her anymore. keep looking for support and therapy for yourself.
i know it can feel hard now because she’s now frail but she has been an adult for decades and should have owned up years ago.

none of this is your doing and even though your mum is now frailer she needs to finally own up to her doings.

💐

Thank you so much for your replies. I felt particularly flat and angry yesterday. I called Al-anon and spoke to a lovely volunteer. My frustration comes from years of wondering why I didn't have a mum like other people had. I can honestly say if my child had cried to me and asked me to stop drinking then I would do everything in my power to try and stop whether that was attending therapy or groups, or whatever. My mum is of the belief that if you seek help, it is a weakness. I have tried to say its the opposite, that seeking help is a sign of strength. Despite the pain and misery her drinking has caused, she still does it, and that's what I don't understand. I am also angry that I have been robbed of a loving, caring mum and that I had to navigate so many things as a child on my own because she didnt have the capacity to be any different. I cant even bring myself to send a text to see how she is today. I feel like not talking to her again, but then I end up feeling sad because when sober she is the kindest person ever. Its like having two people to deal with. I am so grateful for your responses and kind words. Thank you. X

Your mum is an addict, Op. She is still in the place where she will put alcohol first. You are allowed to feel angry that her actions robbed you of the parent you needed. Unfortunately this may be the beginning of her health declining quite rapidly. You need to protect yourself.

I hope that I am wrong.

@HolaPretty87my dad was an alcoholic. Not a violent or dramatic one but a lifetime of prioritising drinking over anything else (including me). He was a crap father. I, like you, spent years wondering how it’s possible that he would choose that life over a loving relationship with his children, his marriage, ultimately his health, but he was an addict. It only makes sense if you can truly get your head around that. I’ll be honest and say that at your mum’s age, I would imagine the chances of her changing now are slim. I think going to meetings is a great idea. I know people who have got a lot from ACA (adult children of alcoholics) which is also part of the AA followship.

Her addiction is not a reflection on how much she loves you OP, I know that’s hard to accept but I believe that it’s true.

Definitely push forward with Al-Anon -go to a few meetings, in person and online and see which ones feel best. They will be able to support you through this like no one else. It’s excellent that you’re able to start naming the resentment and are looking for ways to cope with it, rather than trying to find ways to make her stop.

i hope you find some peace.