Please help me mean it this time...

[BitOfFun2026]

I know I have a problem with alcohol. I don't really go out much but it's been getting to the point where I drink two bottles of wine per night in the house - and to make it worse I order them from Just-Eat/Deliveroo because I think I'll be good and not buy any from the supermarket. I'm thousands of pounds in debt and obviously £20+ a night a few times a week has contributed to that.

The thing is, when I don't drink I manage my life great. I start every week with good intentions - gym, meditation, medication, skincare, etc. and then something minor and inconsequential will happen and I just think fuck it, order the wine.

I do have autism and I strongly suspect ADHD (hence the impulsivity) and have also struggled with anxiety and depression since I was a small child (complex history of trauma). Medication helps with anxiety but the depression has been diagnosed as medication-resistant dysthymia so although I take meds I don't know how much it helps. Recently started using a tCMS device but it's too soon to notice a difference.

My dad was an alcoholic who died from alcoholic cardiomyopathy when I was 13 (he was 41). My mum says she sees a lot of him in me, especially when I've lied to her about drinking. In my defence, I don't feel I should have to justify myself to her and yes I have lied - for example, I met with her recently after being at the pub and told her I'd just had a couple of beers but stupidly put a photo on SM of me drinking a glass of wine (the only one I did have, plus beers)

I'm also massively menopausal after a hysterectomy last year aged 39 due to endometriosis, which hasn't actually been made any better by the surgery. I'm on 3 types of HRT but my metabolism has slowed so much and I'm putting weight on - I eat really well when not drinking, but obviously the hangovers make it harder to eat healthily too!

I do also currently work far too many hours of unpaid overtime (NHS) but if I don't do it then the work piles up and doesn't get done which makes me more stressed. Currently single (it's complicated) but do have hobbies, friends, family, etc. I don't lock myself away to drink.

I would be really grateful for any tips or support at all... thanks so much in advance!

Not wishing to derail the thread, but just to reply to you - I got sober in a 28-day stint in rehab, and we were advised to do ‘90 in 90’ after leaving, which is 90 meetings in 90 days. At the start I was averaging 10 meetings a week, at least one ‘in person’ meeting every day, plus some online.

I don’t have a religious faith, so the ‘Higher Power’ that AA refers to had a different meaning for me, each person finds their own meaning. For the first 2 years I didn’t have alcohol in the house, it’s only there now if my mum comes to stay and the minute she leaves it goes down the sink.

Like I say, I don’t wish to derail the OP’s thread, but happy to answer any questions privately. Best wishes to your husband and crucially to you too. I know the hell I put my family through with my alcoholism, so have a vague idea what things might have been like for you.

Adult children of alcoholics has some great resources and might help you start to process some of your childhood difficulties. Being brought up by an alcoholic does a real number on you. It sounds like you’ve got a lot going on to try and pick apart but one little thing stood out for me. You are menopausal and throwing what bit of energy that leaves you with at unpaid overtime for work. It would be such a powerful step to look after yourself by putting some boundaries and reclaiming some of your sovereignty. An act of self love if you will. You deserve to be looked after x

@Inthebleakmidwinter1 thank you - I'm 99% I have a new job to go to shortly but don't know when I'll start - I'd hoped to use that as an opportunity to set some boundaries around working hours and workload. I've unfortunately had a bit of a meltdown at work today with everything going on but have at least managed to negotiate an extension on the assignment I was due to submit for Monday (work related qualification for which I've been given zero study leave). Only problem is my default setting when I'm upset would be to order wine!

Only you can control your choices OP. You have to decide you want to stop… none of us are going to make you do it. And the number of desperate reasons/excuses in this post say to me you don’t really think you should have to give up - and I get that. I understand, it’s unfair and feels unreasonable. But I could only stop once I realised I had to want to stop.

@GoldenCupsatHarvestTime I would say they are reasons not excuses - and I DO want to stop or I wouldn't have asked for advice. It is unfair that I have to give up but some people aren't able to drink in moderation and it's clear that means me

You ask for support from mumsnetters but won’t even consider the actual RL options that are worth exhausting.

At least go to the Gp. You have nothing to lose.

Then just stop… go to an AA or SMART meeting today/tomorrow/online and get rid of the alcohol in the house. Start the process of stopping. Tell yourself you’re stopping drinking and mean it. Whether to get yourself there you have to say ‘for a year’ or ‘for five years’ or can tell yourself it’s forever is your choice.

There’s something called the cycle of change model that shows / theorises how behaviour change works. You’re currently in the ‘planning’ stage… time to start ‘action’.

When you’ve been clean 6 months that’s when you’re maintaining. But for now you can go one day at a time picking other things instead of alcohol when stressed - explore the options. Yoga, kombucha, a coffee with a friend, box breathing, somatic tracking, a Diet Coke, a dance in the kitchen, a chocolate bar, a new book, Pilates. And social support which is a huge one.

Id say hearing people speak at AA had the biggest impact on me though. And being able to reveal my shame to them and be accepted and hugged and not judged because the get it. I don’t do the steps or believe in God I just listen to others talk and remember why I’ve stopped drinking.

@GoldenCupsatHarvestTime 'ThEn JuSt StOp' - way to go

But given you’re not prepared to try any of the avenues suggested, is that not what you going to try to do? We can’t help you!

You mention depression and anxiety, and I think the trouble with a habit loop like drinking is that part of you just thinks "Fuck it I'm doomed anyway so might as well go down the familiar route." Especially if bored or stressed. Alcohol is a great time-killer. (But is also a depressant!)

I'm not sure navel-gazing psychotherapy books are much help. Have you ever read Atomic Habits? It's really good for setting up new habits that reflect your true goals.

Re the fitness stats thing I mentioned, I think we all know how to take better care of ourselves, yet we tend not to. For me, tracking fitness has been an interesting experiment that I approach with curosity: If I actually looked after myself properly, for more than just a week or so, what would happen next? The results are exciting and motivating.

Good luck OP, you can do this!

Anyone care to enlighten me on the deleted comment from @Faceon

@Beachtastic thanks for the recommendation, I might have a look.... I was very put off that sort of book when I read 'the subtle art of not giving a fuck' or similar and on the first page they just walked out of their job...

Try hypnotherapy? I used the Clear Minds online one and weirdly it really did help

@Ophir I've been interested in that before - is it expensive?

I don’t think it’s too bad, i just purchased the sessions i wanted

I preferred the sessions with the man talking, can’t remember his name offhand. It’s very relaxing apart from anything else!

Oh so it's just pre-recorded sessions rather than personalised? I might look and see if there's anything similar on YouTube

@MarmiteRC I had one and it was about other things so tbh didn't touch on the drinking

🤣🤡 oh god no, it's nothing like that. It's just practical steps to make building new habits much easier. The promotional blurb is all a bit ra-ra with "10 ways to..." and "the top 15..." etc etc, but the actual content of the book is really helpful.

You can read a sample at Amazon:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Atomic-Habits-Proven-Build-Break/dp/1847941834

thanks so much @Abustedflushfor the reframe recommendation. It seems a bit like Noom, but for alcohol instead of eating. I'm only on day 4 but I like the accountability, the check ins, and the science behind it all.

Alcohol being a depressant means it depresses the nervous system not that it makes you depressed btw.

Yes, it depresses the CNS. But it can also negatively impact mood. My friends and I often comment on how it affects us in this way.

https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/facts/health-effects-of-alcohol/mental-health/alcohol-and-depression#/overview

I’m so glad to hear this. I can honestly say it is changing my life. The bite sized information, the range of tools and the lack of judgement is just so helpful for me. Understanding that I’m not broken, I just need insights into how to make small achievable changes.
I personally love the ‘drinks avoided’ tally, as I can see my progress, I don’t have to be perfect, and go for all or nothing. The community chats are good too.