Alternatives to AS

[Newnameforthisonetoo]

A new low today - DW drinking in secret, erratic behaviour and our small DCs not fully safe in her care. Denies drinking when I ask her about it, then comes up with a lie about being on meds, then minimises, then repeatedly ignores my questions / tries to pretend like everything is normal, then turns on me saying that I “knew who I married” and that I’m being controlling etc etc. I’m not ready for divorce and do believe that we can get through this but I need her to be on board. I’ve repeatedly asked we run a “dry” house (I am prepared to forgo my own minimal drinking that I enjoy for this), whereby people can pop to the pub if they want a drink. This is met with derision and “that doesn’t work for me”. It’s not an unreasonable ask though surely? I’m not even saying she can’t drink, just not in the home…. Anyway, she has also, at times, expressed a readiness to start some sort of programme. Maybe not AA with the 12 steps, but some other alternative? I’ve heard of SMART and MM - does anyone have any experience with them?

I was wondering whether the WLI had any impact (they don't seem to effect everyone the same in this respect).

She powers through because she relies on drinking for something, it could be escape, it could be a sense of reward or something to look forward to, it could be the desire to have something 'just for her' in a world where so much has to revolve around the kids. Can you try and talk to her about what drinking represents for her?

One of the (many) annoyingly trite but nevertheless true sayings in Al-Anon is:

• You didn't cause their alcohol problem
• You can't control their alcohol problem
• You can't cure their alcohol problem

You're trying to control her alcohol problem. That doesn't work. But I do understand your motivation in trying and I also understand your feeling that you are not ready to throw in the towel yet. It took me years. What was a particularly painful lesson to learn was just how good she was at lying and that I needed to ignore what she said about her drinking and, instead, pay attention to what she did.

I would urge you to give some serious thought to two things:

1. Let's imagine that you tell her not to drink at home and she carries on doing what she's been doing, drinking at home then lying to you about it. What then? What's your line in the sand?

2. Picture yourself in a few years time, sat in a big meeting room with representatives from social services, the police, your children's school etc. They are there to decide if your children should go on the Child Protection Register. You are asked why you knowingly left someone who you knew had an alcohol problem in sole charge of your young children. What would you say? Because when I was in that meeting and I was asked that question I really didn't have a good answer.

@HowardTJMoon that is so sad. For you, your DC and her. ''That she chose alcohol over me was irrelevant as her drinking wasn't anything to do with me. What matters is that she chose alcohol over herself.'' I hope I can get to this point with my mother.

@Newnameforthisonetoo I am not looking for excuses for her, is there any underlying trauma that she has not addressed? That again seems to be a huge one for a lot. SMART would be a good start, it can all be done online too. But ultimately therapy with a 1 on 1 counsellor is usually the key.

Could you ask her to join an online facebook group for mums who want to stop drinking - there are loads of them

She drinks because she was brought up in a household of heavy drinkers and alcoholics. Her father literally drank himself to death a few years ago. She has many people in her circle who love having a drink with her and other enablers. She’s always been like this. One of her refrains to me is that I “knew who I married”. True, but I figured getting older, having children etc would change her priorities and relationship with alcohol, just like it did mine.

Hmmm - it's not surprising to me that she finds it hard to stop, it's quite surprising to me that the death of her Father hasn't made her at least want to stop.

Your wife will probably be the last person to see that her drinking is a problem the insanity of alcoholism is very real. If she is alcoholic bearing in mind her family history then it will only get worse.
But she has to want to stop her drinking habits are not normal. Until she does there is little you can do.
I have been there for a short while and it wasn’t fun I had to find a way out eventually. I don’t know about any other programs I ended up with the ‘experts’ in alcoholism AA that was a very long time ago but has kept me sober for the last 20+ years.
The support is there but you really have to want it. It’s the best choice I have ever made in my life

Sorry to hear you are dealing with this worry and stress. I’m going to completely out myself and admit that I was your wife with young children and sadly it didn’t improve with rules and boundaries because the power of alcohol is so strong. I saw rules almost as obstacles which made the sneaky behaviour worse. I developed a crappy attitude and resentment - “how dare they tell me what I can and can’t do when I am an adult”. When in reality my behaviour was disgraceful. I now live with the guilt of dangerous things that could have happened when I was in charge my children under the influence and I hate myself for it. It’s a daily torture. My partner and family lost trust in me and it takes so much time to rebuild that and be seen as safe and responsible. As others have said it really needs to come from your wife and she needs to want to change. Life really is so much easier without alcohol - for me it has to be zero though. Even without having children to look after I cannot drink socially as once the behaviour is unlocked I cannot control it. Lots of luck to you and your family.

Thank you for sharing your stories, they are making me very sad, thinking that I can’t realistically enforce rules that would make this marriage tenable for me