Mother in rehab - family meeting this week

[pontipinemum]

Hi All,

I have posted on here before but the long and short = 'mum' lets call her M because I never call her mum. Abandoned me several times over between 6 weeks old and 12 years. Then moved me into a toxic house hold with her and step dad. I started drinking with her aged 13. There was abuse (of many forms) neglect, control, manipulation, 'parentification'

I have been mostly sober 7 years and fully A.F. a year and I have done some serious counselling in that time.

She is now in rehab. She spent Christmas in hospital. I now have a family meeting with her on Thursday. I am feeling IDK what about it. It is bring up a lot of emotions and feelings I thought I had processed with counselling. I don't really process pain, I say 'ah hi, there you are' but I used to supress it now I say OK you exist and that's not nice but it is OK.

I want to tell her that her drinking had a profound impact on my life. But I also don't want to make her cry.

Any suggestions as to what I do? Also the day she called me to tell me this happened to be my birthday. Which she forgot but did manage to remember to the list of things she wants me to buy and bring in

I think you need to remember that you don’t have to put yourself on fire to keep her warm.

My family don’t have the insight required to listen to how the abuse they chose to do to me impacted me. I do see them and I think I still love them; but contact is brief, contained and I never look for any emotional connection. Tread carefully and keep yourself safe.

If she's in rehab now after spending Christmas in hospital (detoxing?) I'm guessing she's very early in her rehab journey. While you have every right to speak your truth, she might or might not be in a fit mental/emotional state to deal with it in the way you may be hoping she will.

If I were you I'd think carefully about what you want to get out of this meeting, and the likelihood that the outcome will be something that will leave you feeling better or worse. You don't have to be there. If you do choose to be there, you don't have to say anything. Or if you do choose to be there you can decide to leave early. Or you can be there and speak your truth. All of these choices are fine.

She's doing what's best for her. You're allowed to do what's best for you. She can no more demand that you do what she wants if it causes you pain than you can demand she gives you a full, frank and heartfelt apology for how badly she's treated you in the past.

Yes she was in hospital detoxing. I presented her with a new boundary in mid Nov - basically I can't be around you when you are drinking, this was after she let my sons down. She then went into a huge spiral of drinking

I am her only child - no husband/ partner, but does have sibling. It is me the counsellor wants to see.

I am not going to go in an rip her to pieces that won't do anyone any good. But I am trying to think what I actually will say. The thing is she thinks she is very hard done by and that everyone else has had things better. She thinks hard work, dedication, putting in the effort = luck/ landed on your lap.

Mentally I don't think she will ever be strong enough to face up to what sort of a childhood she gave me. Sorry if that sounds really dramatic. But she is in so much denial that I don't know if she would accept the truth

I’m wondering why you have to go to this “family meeting”?
She’s in rehab and safe, so why?
Personally I wouldn’t go and just because the councillor wants to see you, doesn’t mean you have to go.
Just cancel the meeting and look after yourself. ❤️

Don’t go. You’re too early in your own recovery journey.

I wouldn’t go. You’ve only been sober a year and the feeling this is now raising for you are a massive red flag. As someone said upthread - you’re not obliged to set yourself on fire so she stays warm.

You could tell the counsellor that you are prepared to have a meeting but without your mother. She is not your responsibility and neither is her recovery. You might be able to shed some light on things that M has been saying to the counsellor but you have no obligation to attend the meeting, if you don't want to.

You absolutely don't have to go to this meeting.

I agree with those who say not to go. Your recovery is paramount and you’ve been doing incredibly well to be alcohol free for a year. The last thing you need is any misplaced feeling of responsibility towards your mother.

You were a child. Anyone can feel hard done by - I’m a recovering alcoholic of many years and have heard thousands of shares along the way. But you as a child had absolutely no choices. Nothing that happened was your fault in any way at all.

Further down the line, if she gets to step 9 (if she’s following a 12 step programme which many rehab places do) then maybe you can think - only think - about it. For now I would continue your own recovery journey.

Your need to prioritise your mental health and your soberity. You’re not responsible for your Mum.

What is the aim of the family meeting? Will the counsellor be leading it? If the counsellor asks you specific questions I don’t see why you shouldn’t answer honestly, without laying it on, as long as you don’t feel it would harm your own recovery, but I am no expert.

I understand why posters are saying don’t go, but it concerns me that this could reinforce your mother's narrative that she is an unlucky victim. Could you speak to the counsellor on their own and explain matters? Presumably they know enough about situations like this to understand.

Please don’t go. Please prioritise yourself. 💐

Thanks everyone. I am further along in my own sobriety than 1 year. I first got sober in 2019 and bar a few 'slips' (nothing that ever went back into previous patterns hence I say slip not relapse), I have been sober for I would say 99% of that time. I just made the decision last year that there would be no more 'testing/ special occasions'.

After my 2nd son was born in 2024 I had sever PPD and got proper counselling for the first time in my life. It has been honestly life changing.

I know I should not feel as responsible for my mother as I do, but I do. I am working on changing that. And I have already changed that a lot. Rightly or wrongly when a child is repeatedly abandoned by their parent they will feel like it is their fault. My father had already left. I'd see her a few times a year and just want her to want me.

I have this incredible guilt and feeling that she is my responsibility. That I need to take care of her. I know I don't, but that's not how I feel.

@Rosiemate It will be counsellor led. I think I want to be able to ask a few very important questions and even if I don't get answers I will have asked.

@Thewalrusandthecarpenter I am thinking if I ask her in a safe place she can process it. I have tried to very very gently ask questions before and it gets shut down by her crying and saying 'why am I always the bad guy' 'why does everyone blame me'

I want some answers. I want to know some things. I am aware I might not get those answers. It is incredibly difficult not to feel like what happened to me as a child was not my fault. She told me if I had not been born she would not have been stuck with my father, she would have met a decent man. Had 4 children and a beautiful big house. Him leaving her had a very detrimental effect which is when she handed me over to relatives for most of my childhood and only saw me a few times a year.

She says she had no choice, but I know that is not true. She absolutely did.

Even now that I am an adult looking back. We lived with what can only be called a controlling, abusive, 'mind f*cker' of a man. Who was also alcoholic. Her life with him was not nice. But he subjected us both to his 'reign' he was king we were lucky to be allowed near. But she had lived with him solo for about 7 years before moving me in. Why!!! Also when he kicked her out, she let me stay living with him for a few months, again why! And yes she actually had a few options (move out of London back to her parents, call her aunt in London, call one of her cousin in London) I don't know where she lived all the time but some of it was in her car. While I lived with him. That was my GCSE year.

She has been telling her sisters about how terrible it was with him, and that when he kicked her out that we lived in a hotel for a few months until she found an apartment.

So I went to the meeting.

I got to say everything I wanted to say. The only thing she denied was buying me alcohol from age 13 but I didn't feel that was a point to argue over. She said she knew I was drinking at that age but she couldn't do anything about it.

She had, had a group session a few days prior and was told 'does she not realise the affect it has had on her dd, that she abandoned her' she does admit she feels very guilty about that and that looking back she should have done more. But that it was never her intension to leave me for so long and that she wasn't allowed take me back.

She said she is feeling so guilty and I think she needs to feel guilty. She needs to process that guilt.

The biggest thing for me is that all this had been minimised my entire life. It feels a bit like I am finally being believed

That sounds like a good outcome.
How are you now?
What are you doing to support you sobriety?

I am absolutely exhausted yesterday like wiped out so got a good early night and feeling physically better today. I also eat a lot of crap food yesterday.

Today for myself, I am going to get back to eating proper food as it always makes me feel better and making sure I drink a lot of water today (drank loads of Dr Pepper yesterday). Then I will do my SMART meeting tonight. I know I cannot get lax but my own sobriety does not even vaguely feel under threat.

I was told the rehab do a family and friends thing so I will join their next session.