What would you do?

[Youdontseehow]

Hi folks. I’m mainly a binge drinker and my drinking has been problematic for years now. Currently on day 11 AF with a commitment to at least 30 days (although deep down I know I should stop completely).

This is my quandary.

DH and I have been invited to a friend’s 65th birthday/retirement party in early March. It will involve some travel and overnight in a hotel. It will be a boozy do and 95% of attendees will likely end up drunk to a degree - not black out drunk or anything, more really tipsy drunk, IYKWIM?

Ironically a huge trigger for my drinking problem was that I hate being around drunk people - lots of alcoholics in my family so lots of scary times in my childhood owing to being around drunk people. So my coping was to get drunker than them, earlier than them, so I wouldn’t be “scared”.

I do not want to go to this party. Not because I will drink (I am 99% confident I could do a “go in spend 2 hours then retreat to hotel bedroom” type thing), But because I now realise I don’t actually like my DH’s friend (of 40 plus years) anymore because I’ve realised over the past few years he’s actually a bit of a dick (he’s got worse since he divorced and we see more of him now). The last time we saw him I got very drunk and I know he will want to “talk to me” about it in a supportive way (he will genuinely think he’s being supportive but will be a patronising wanker).

But…..I know DH wants me there as he doesn’t enjoy these sort of functions without me. He is rubbish at small talk and there will be lots of people there he doesn’t know - but also some he knows well.

DH has said openly that he understands my position and is totally fine with me not going - he says my priority must be doing things for myself, not for other people. But I think I should go for him, not the birthday dick boy.

I’ve spoiled so many occasions with my drinking, and DH has been so supportive generally (although he has his moments) that I feel I should just suck it up and do this for him.

So what would you do? Go for your significant other as a way of making amends or put yourself first and swerve it? (I am very very confident I can go and not drink, I’ve done it many times before in similar circumstances).

Sorry that turned into a bit of an essay!!

TLDR: would you, as a problem drinker, go to a boozy function you didn’t want to (even though you know you won’t drink) as a way of making amends with your partner who has put up with your drunken escapades in the past?

All opinions welcome - thanks!!

Yes I would go, pay no notice to the dickhead friend. If you intend to be teetotal long term then you can’t avoid every event (because lets be honest most involve alcohol nowadays!). It wouldn’t be fair on your husband to have him go alone due to your previous drinking habits, especially when you’re sure it won’t be a struggle for you not to drink.

@wineosaurus4 thank you. I am very confident I won’t drink - as well as bring determined to show dickfriend I’m not to be pitied, I will be driving to and from hotel and one thing I’ve never done is drove when I’ve been drinking thank god (although not sure about the morning after a heavy night 😳).

@wineosaurus4are you a drinker or sober?

I would avoid it. The absolute best thing you can do to make amends to your DH is to get sober. The best way for you to achieve that is to stay away from the party and the dickhead and all the other drunk people. If you just do everything the same as you’ve always done it; the same shit will happen.

I Can totally see a situation where dickhead makes you feel awful and with just a few weeks sobriety under your belt you will think fuck it and get hammered / leave the car etc etc

Or he will mess with your head to the extent that you don’t drink there and then; but it will add to the pile of shite accumulating in the corner of your mind. And when that gets big enough; you’ll think fuck it and have a drink.

Idk if I'm missing something but it seems obvious to me that you should not go. Your DH says he doesn't mind not going, you don't like the host, you don't like being around drunk people, and although you feel confident you won't drink, there's a risk you will and therefore spoil another occasion and potentially give the host more fuel with which to patronise you. Surely if you want to go fully sober you should be more carefully avoiding triggers?

Thank you @FusionChefGeoff @Likeaburstcouch - I know DH would prefer me to be there and there is an element of “why can’t we be like a “normal” couple and go to a party together.

He has said in the past when I’ve been drinking to excess that I am slowly chipping away at friendships and people don’t want to invite us to things - both because of my drinking but also, ironically, because the majority of them are also bordering on “functional alcoholic” (if there is such a thing) and they don’t want me there sober because they want to get drunk.

you are of course right that the best way to make amends is to stay sober. I just feel so guilty that I’m not “normal” and can’t go to a big birthday party with him 😞

Sounds like, of that group of people, the true friends would respect your efforts to go sober, and the others are probably not the best people to have in your life. Sending the best of luck.

Sobriety is a long journey - you will be able to go out and be sociable as a sober person, just not immediately. And less than 3 months in is still very very new.

Accepting you are not a normal couple and that you may need to live slightly differently to some couples is part of that journey.

I make my peace with that by thinking “well, the other option is the argumentative / depressive / unpredictable pisshead who doesn’t remember anything and embarrasses him all night” so i think we’d all choose the quiet night in over that wouldn’t we?

Equally, it’s interesting that you put going out and drinking as a ‘normal’ couple whereas there are lots of perfectly normal people who have very different lives and don’t see drinking as a form of entertainment at all.

Literally nothing is as important as your health.

@Likeaburstcouch yeah true. I’ve “lost” a few friendships with people who don’t want to do anything that doesn’t involve drinking. Other friends have really stepped up and don’t drink in solidarity/go to things that are not boozy. These are those who can take it or leave it with alcohol.

@FusionChefGeoff thank you. Re the “normal” thing - I was actually having a conversation with DH the other day about this. I grew up in a very boozy family, went to Uni and we all drank and set out to get deliberately drunk on nights out. There was about a decade with pregnancies and young DC where I didn’t drink much at all. Then moved into a house in a new housing estate where everyone had young DC and we socialised in each others houses, mostly involving a lot of alcohol.

I was saying to DH, like you have said, lots of people don’t drink (my DD and her partner (both mid 20s) rarely drink alcohol) but drinking lots of alcohol on a regular basis is completely normalised in my head. I’m in my 60s now and a heavy drinking culture is so normal to me. Partly living in the bit of Scotland I’m in, not drinking is viewed with suspicion!

No other drug has this narrative around it. I’m really working on changing my mind set to see drinking alcohol to excess (although my intention is to be totally AF) as far from normal and completely unnecessary.

@Newsenmum agree. I just wish I didn’t feel so guilty that I’m letting DH down by not going.

I think either option is fine. What do YOU want to do?

One of the gifts of being sober is that I say no to stuff I don’t want to do. I have a similar sort of Dh - he’s socially anxious but also a people pleaser. So he feels he has to attend everything he is invited to, but he’s anxious around people and needs me to chaperone him because he gets nervous having to talk to his friends without me. 🙄

I do a mix of both. Sometimes I go and we leave early. Sometimes I say nope, sorry, you’re on your own. That said, part of getting sober is learning to say no and not feeling like you need to fix things for everyone. If he really enjoys his friends, he should love spending time with them. If he doesn’t, maybe he should decline too? What’s the point of doing things you don’t actually want to do? This may be a learning opportunity for him in having boundaries too.