So ashamed

[whyamonthis]

I have also not told a soul about this, I have not told anyone that can give me any real life support- I am ashamed . His family know bit have been useless, none of my friends or family know about the home detox, me phoning in sick to look after at home, the made up appointments so I can leave work to go with him, the missed family events. It’s exhausting

I'm not sure if I've got this right, but it's your partner's problem rather than yours? Don't be ashamed. You're trying to help, they are letting you sink, the ones who know. It's not your fault.

And if it is you, also don't be ashamed, you're trying to fix it. It all sounds tough for you which ever way round.

I'm so sorry you going through this. Try find support group for you. If you have children you are doing the right thing .This marriage will not work if he doesn't want to stop drinking himself. Shame is emotion that causes fear and it's to suppress us. Don't be suppressed. Find a counselor to support you or adult friend.if you were my friend id feel shock at first .. understanding... Concern for you... Then the need to support you. At no point id feel how shameful is this. Best of luck and hugs to you..

There are specific support groups for the families of alcohol dependent people.

Adfam and Al-Anon family are easy to google and contact.

Get support for yourself, you don’t need to be ashamed.

Good luck

La honte doit changer de camp.

It's not your shame, it's his. Have you considered leaving him? He's prioritising the bottle over you and any kids you have, every single time he drinks.

Al-anon and Adfam offer support for family members. It’s also worth researching your local substance and alcohol recovery service as some do offer family support .

Feel free to PM me if you would like some help for this (I work in the industry)

@murasaki -sorry, it’s his addiction. My partner of 20+ years. We always liked a drink at the weekends, then it became a Sunday night thing, then a few drinks mid week- until it was each night then totally escalated… until the worst. To be honest the GP has been good but now am I am just reeling with the feelings of how to manage an alcoholic, looking back how I managed it all and behaviour at every family events..it’s just very hard.

Thank you, it’s definitely something I am looking into. I spoke with someone from the addictions team when we were doing the home detox and his work also suggested different agencies i could approach it’s something to think about- I just don’t know if if I feel a bit a bit of a fraud because it’s going good now but the last few years have not been good…

You're not a fraud. It's an ongoing process so you need and deserve ongoing support. You can't pour from an empty cup.

I'm so sorry - I lost my DH of 20 years to it last March. He died.

Please tell everyone the truth. Its not shameful - its horribly common and I believe the secrecy is making it worse. If people were made aware of the truth I believe people - especially the young - would be really frightened of the poison that is alcohol.

Get all the support and advice you can from here and anywhere. Read NHS guidance. Watch the video Rain In My Heart (BBC I Player).

Most of all look after yourself.

You didn't cause this
You cannot cure this
You cannot control this

I'm so glad my DH and I are no longer suffering under it - even though it meant his death. We are both free after years of torture.