Hello strangers on the internet. I’ve changed my username because I don’t want this linked to my life now. I post on Mumsnet a lot, usually about everyday things.
Tonight marks 29 years since my last drink. I had hit rock bottom. My alcoholism was all-consuming and my life felt like a living hell. My children suffered irreparable trauma, and I still have terrible flashbacks of that night: frightened, crying children and me falling over, stupefied. I will never forgive myself for that.
Everything in my life was affected by my drinking — jobs, family, relationships — all chaos, shame and pain. I carry a great deal of shame about my past and I’m reminded of it often. But deep down I also know how incredibly blessed I am to have survived and to have come out the other side alive.
I went to AA in a very bad way. I will always be grateful that my life was saved, and for the help and support I found there. I’ll never forget walking into my first meeting, shaking and sick, my face grazed and scraped from falling. 30 December 1996 was my lowest point. On 31 December 1996, my life began to change.
I will forever be desperately sorry for the pain and trouble I caused. But meeting others who shared so many of my experiences was a revelation. The kindness of strangers, and the anonymity of AA, gave me a lifeline.
I hope that anyone reading this who struggles with alcohol might take even a grain of hope from my story.
The Serenity Prayer helped me enormously, and it works whether or not you believe in God or a higher power. If you don’t have religious beliefs, a higher power can be other recovering alcoholics, or any kind of spiritual belief that makes sense to you. For me, it was about handing over and accepting that I couldn’t do it alone anymore.
I truly never believed I could live without alcohol. I didn’t think it was possible. AA pulled me through, and I will always be grateful. If you are struggling with alcohol, please know that there is hope — and that you can get through this.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference