My (f32) stepsons (m10) mother (f34) is an alcoholic. I’ll refer to her as E. We are not close, I don’t dislike her but we’re very different people.
Just some context, I have been in my stepsons life for four years and we have a great relationship. His father and I live apart but nearby and we see each other often.
E lives in the same village and a couple of months ago, my SS knocked on my door on a Sunday, wearing his pyjamas and his school top. He had dressed himself and ran across the village as E couldn’t speak and was breathing strangely. He couldn’t call his dad so ran to my house. E has a heart condition so I rushed over and rang an ambulance. I dressed her and went with her to the hospital while my partner took his son home. Her parents arrived five hours later and she left the hospital shortly after I did. While the paramedics were doing her obs before they took her to hospital, I was looking for her socks in her room and opened her bedside drawer. It had two large bottles of vodka in it. I asked for an ethanol test at the hospital and the doctor agreed as she was acting erratic and threatening staff. For some reason the ethanol test wasn’t completed.
There were regular instances of E fainting, struggling to speak, not sleeping but then falling asleep randomly and to be honest we were very concerned about her heart. She has also recently had a horrendous breakup and we genuinely thought she may have had a breakdown. My partner spoke to Es doctors with her consent, rang 111, adult safeguarding, even the police as no one was helping her and we were extremely concerned. There was also a child safeguarding raised that was closed immediately. My SS was previously living 50/50 between his two parents houses but during this time and currently lives with his father due to concerns surrounding Es health. He was still seeing her for a couple of hours a day though.
On one of these occasions my partner went to collect him and had to pick E up off the floor - that’s when the smell hit him. She admitted she had been drinking immediately and all hell has broken loose from there. Es mother was called and she came down and stayed with E for a few weeks. She has now left. They have quite a hostile relationship and E has sent her home a couple of times. Last week, E rang my partner and said she has stopped drinking for a few days, she will never do it again and could she please see her son. My partner previously agreed to 2 hours every other day, including Xmas day as long as her mother was with her. Now that she seemed a lot better over the phone, he agreed that my SS could go. Every visit my SS had with her he has rang his dad and asked to be picked up early as she has fallen asleep. He has always been happy to go and eager to see his mum. The last visit, we were called within ten minutes. My partner has been assessing the situation at drop off and sometimes E seems a bit sleepy (she is on some light sleeping medication) but never drunk. When he collected his son on this last visit he went upstairs and into the wardrobe. There was a box full of empty cans. She admitted to drinking and that she’d been drunk Xmas day. My partner has told her she is not seeing her son until she gets sober. It’s heartbreaking for everyone. A man who E walks dogs with has been sniffing around her and it’s been extremely worrying. When asked about him when she wasn’t drinking she insisted that she didn’t have feelings for him and he was a bit of a “loser” (because he’s vegan and voted labour. E is the complete opposite of this, one of the reasons she and I aren’t friendly). He has been “helping” her. She is barely conscious most of the time and doesn’t make sense when she is. She is being very lovey dovey with people, even sitting on my knee when I took her to hospital and we were concerned this man was getting the wrong idea. My partner explained this to him and he seemed to understand. Then E disclosed he’d kissed her. She has given him his watch, and he asked for a £1000 pound watch for Xmas which she has bought him. This man is separated from his wife and doesn’t see his children for reasons unknown. My SS does not like him (never has, even when they walked dogs together) and now he’s there all the time. E claims she is now vegan and he is going to help her get off the drink as he is now teetotal. I’ll be honest and say I confronted him and got her watch back. This guy claims he didn’t know she was drinking and he would stay away. Es mother stood there like a dying fish. Needless to say he didn’t stay away and is now wearing her watch again. It’s been explained to him that she is extremely vulnerable.
This evening E has rang my partner saying he’s left her because she apparently accidentally hit him in her sleep and he’s said she’s assaulted him. She admitted she’s never actually stopped drinking, just drank less and ignored all medical advice to wean herself off. She was going to go away with the dog walker to an Air BNB and go cold turkey for a few days. Again, ignoring medical advice. I’m so worried she’ll have a seizure if she continues to ignore the advice of doctors and stop starts.
My partner and I both work full time and we don’t have much family. My SS doesn’t have close relationships with the family we do have and rarely see’s his friends outside of school due to where we live. My partner is apprehensive about sending him on play dates as we don’t know the parents very well. This is consuming our entire lives, we just want her to get better but she refuses to engage with services and won’t even talk about rehab. She’s terrified her son will be taken from her and she’ll be locked away. Her parents live a while away and to be honest haven’t been much use at all. They bury their heads in the sand and Es father has drank in front of her - he even said he thinks she’s in the fifth dimension, so that’s what we’re dealing with here. She has next to no friends and no support.
I feel at a loss on how to support my SS and partner. I’m so worried about E, my partner and especially my SS all the time. We’re trying just to prioritise my SS but we want him to have a relationship with his mum again. We’re being lead by my SS and what he wants to do and currently he doesn’t want to see E. It’s heartbreaking and there seems to be no end in sight. I’m angry at E but I feel extremely sorry for her. I’ll do whatever I can to protect and help her for my SS sake.
Any advice at all on how to handle this, or next steps will be greatly appreciated.
Thankyou if you’ve made it this far! Sorry if some of it doesn’t make sense, it’s been a lot!