I’m so ashamed and upset with myself

[Lonely37]

I’m 37 and an all or nothing drinker. Have drank since I was 14 and have had periods of abstinence (during my pregnancies). In my early 20s I drank a lot of vodka, almost on a daily basis. Blood tests always came back okay so I felt I dodged a bullet.
however recently I can see old habits creeping in. The last few times I’ve had a drink on a weekend I’ve had 3 bottles of wine in one night. Yesterday was the same. I started drinking while cooking dinner at around 3pm and didn’t realise it until this morning but I’ve drank 3 bottles again. I didn’t even realise I was drinking that much so now I’m sat here in tears with a very sore head. I don’t want to die, I don’t want to get unwell or have an incurable disease because of this.

does anyone else get this scared? I feel like I’m being irrational and can’t calm myself down.

Stop buying it, reduce the temptation.

@Lonely37 well done for taking that first step - acknowledging the problem.
You're only 37 - that's great, your future self will certainly thank you.
Not buying it is a good first step. You could join a thread on here, for support.
You could visit the gp, go to an AA meeting, Smart recovery.
The Annie Grace 30 day alcohol experiment is great. It's free online.
But I'd start by writing down all the reasons you want to stop. Refer to the list ( it will be long), when you're tempted.
And every sober day you have, note the benefits.
You can do it 💪

Well quit - if you hate it. Stop. I went cold turkey 10 years ago. Got a sober app, soberistas account and read a lot of quit lit. I basically followed a thing called 'rational recovery' - essentially it says the voice telling you to drink is not your friend, ignore it and don't drink.

The guy who invented it - and people who subsequently run his website are bonkers, very right wing and hate AA. But you can usually track down a free version of his book.

More reasonable people turned in into 'SMART' recovery which is an option.

And AA works for loads of people, it's not for me but I have good friends who swear by it.

You don't want to be unwell or have an incurable disease . . . Listen to.that voice. You are doing the right thing recognizing the risk now. It is real and you still have time to act, but only you can do that.

As others have said, find support. It's out there.

Avoid buying alcohol or if it's in the house avoid the first drink, whilst you get that support organized.

Your future self will thank you for getting this started now.

There are some great supportive long running threads on here for people who want to quit or moderate their drinking. I suspect there’ll be some new dry jan ones coming too. Why don’t you join? You feel awful right now but all is not lost. You are in control of your destiny. You can choose to not keep doing this. I hope you feel better soon x

It sounds like you cant moderate alcohol so shouldn't buy it and need to stop all together again. Stop feeling guilty and get rid of any booze in the house now. You clearly know how damaging it is so keep that in the back of your mind always.