“Mary” – finally talking about inpatient, but I’m scared to hope

[pontipinemum]

I’ve posted here a few times before about my extremely turbulent relationship with “Mary” (not her real name — and I’ve never called her mum).

My childhood was filled with abuse and neglect, all of it fuelled by alcohol, so this has been a long, long story and a long time coming.

Over the last few weeks her drinking has taken a serious nosedive. It’s terrifying to watch, and if I’m being honest, I don’t think she has long to live if nothing changes.

I spoke to her today and, for the first time ever, she actually acknowledged that she might need inpatient treatment. She’s told me she’s contacted her GP and is waiting to hear back about a referral.

I want to believe this is real, but I’m full of nervous anticipation. I don’t know whether this is genuine progress or just another stalling tactic. I’ve heard promises before. At the same time, I’m clinging to a small bit of hope, because if this is real, it could save her life.

How do you cope with the waiting, the not knowing, and trying to protect yourself from getting your hopes up again?

Don't hope. I know, I know. But don't.

Try to stay level and factual. Don't give encouragement or anything. Just, "that sounds like a good decision for you" type of statements.

There is a very small chance she'll go, a smaller chance she'll stay, a smaller chance she'll come out clean, and a much smaller chance she's remain sober. Worth it for HER to try. Not worth it for you to hope. It's the hope that kills.

And I am sorry. My advice is meant to be caring. But I know it seems harsh.

I totally agree with everything you said.

I sound callous but I am just off the phone from a funeral director to see what my options are.

I am in Ireland funerals happen super fast here and I want to know what I want before that happens.

It's funny today I spoke to her and told her how great it would be for her to go to rehab etc and then called a funeral director

I'm so sorry. You deserve so much more.

@MrsTerryPratchett put it far better than I could. A counsellor once told me that hope is the last emotion to go, we are preprogrammed to hope even when our rational mind has given up.

Mary is lucky that you are still in her life but please don’t allow hope to cloud your thinking.

So sorry you are in this dreadful situation.

And hope in most circumstances is protective. It’s probably genetic/evolutionary to make us try and keep trying.

But in working with addicted people, it’s so counter productive.

All the very very best OP. I’m thinking about you.

@hoodiemassive @MrsTerryPratchett I know this was all predictable and inevitable. But I went to a family party at the weekend. One she was supposed to attend. It was about a 2hr drive for me would have been 5 mins for her. She said 'you never said you and DC were coming'

Since I put in a boundary for not speaking to her when she was drunk - until then I either ignored it or blew up - her drinking has got worse. She is missing work etc and I think there is no way she is going to control it in this time

I’m so sorry. Even though it is predictable, it hurts every time.

Please work hard on looking after yourself.