Mum has a life time of AUD and I think I need to put me first.

[pontipinemum]

Edited by MNHQ at request of OP.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/amibeingunreasonable/5445403-aibu-to-give-my-mum-an-ultimatum-about-her-drinking?reply=148582638

My thread from AIBU giving back ground

My mum and her drinking had a terrible affect on my childhood and in a lot of ways led to my own alcohol abuse 'period' - but I am responsible for my own behaviour.

Anyway, it seems an ultimatum isn't the way to go. I have been working on what boundaries I need and it sounds a lot like an ultimatum but this is what I have:

I need to talk to you about something important. I want you to know first that this is coming from a place of love and worry. I am really, really worried about you. Your drinking is doing serious damage to your health. You have type 1 diabetes that was caused by alcohol, and now you’re showing Parkinson’s traits that are also linked to drinking. Watching this happen is frightening, and I don’t want to see you get worse.

This weekend really affected me. I’ve been in counselling for a full year now, working through everything from my childhood, and I’m trying so hard to stay stable for myself, DS and the boys. When you didn’t come up, it really impacted how I felt — and it really affected DS too. It isn’t the first time recently, and I can’t keep going through this. It’s not something I’m able to continue with.
I’m not giving you an ultimatum. You’re free to make your own choices. But I need to put some boundaries in place for my wellbeing and the boys’. I can only have a relationship with you when you’re sober and getting proper help. I can’t be involved while you’re drinking.

I think the kind of help that would truly support you is in-treatment rehab. That’s the level of support that would make the biggest difference for your health and your life. I’m not forcing you, and I’m not telling you what you have to do — it’s your choice.

But I want to be honest that rehab, or some form of proper treatment, is what would allow us to have a healthy relationship again.

I care about you, and I’ll be here for you when you’re ready to work on recovery.
But until then, I need to step back.”

I want to give her a chance to change. I really want her to go to rehab. I don't think she will. But I can't put myself through this, and I certainly will not put my boys through it

Good for you for setting boundaries and being able to step back. It's so difficult. I've dealt with alcohol, drug addiction, and mental health issues with my parents, siblings and a child. It was hard in the beginning. I did go to therapy and Alanon which was very helpful. I think your letter is on point. Your mother may reject it, but don't take it personally. I remember when participating in an intervention we were asked to write a letter to the person as you have. We read the letter to them at the intervention and they were given to them at the end. Writing a letter gives them something to read when they're ready to "listen," maybe give them strength when trying to fight the urges to drink, etc. You can include an example or two of how their behavior affects you. The hope is they can go back to the letters and reflect how their behavior is affecting them and others around them. Good luck.

I drove to her house tonight - about a 2.5hr drive - to read the letter to her this evening after work. Spent about 20 minutes there. Didn't fight. She took it better than I thought. She got angry very briefly but cooled down then. I left the letter with her. Gave her a hug, told her I loved her. Then drove home.

I hope it is enough but it is up to her. I feel at peace with myself tonight

Well done OP - take a breather as that was hard to do.

I've had difficult parents, with alcohol abuse added in. Talking to them drove them away but I have peace.

I hope your Mum chooses help ❤️

Well done, OP.

The letter was a good idea because it didn't come across as you just venting in the spur of the moment and kept you on topic, and she can look at it if she wishes in the days to come.

I hope for her sake and yours that she will come to her senses and have the courage to get help.

(As an aside, is that a first name beginning with P that you included in your letter? If it is, you can ask MN to remove it or change it to DH or DP).

@CrinaCara @mathanxiety

Then the week played out exactly the way I thought it would, but hoped it wouldn't

She told me on Tuesday that her counsellor had told her not to go to AA. She said she’d seen her doctor and that he prescribed her Librium, and she was supposed to collect it on Friday.

On Friday she didn’t answer her phone all day. Then she texted in the evening saying she was “exhausted” and would ring me the next day. Saturday came and went with no call. I called, she was clearly drunk. She denied it, said she was just tired and had been sleeping all day, and then said she was about to go to the pharmacy to get her prescription… it was after 7pm, and the chemist was closed - I told her that. She also said a few things that just didn’t make sense.

I had told her very clearly that I won’t have conversations with her when she’s been drinking, so I reminded her of that and I hung up.

The Sunday morning she texted like none of that had happened, saying 'sorry I missed your call yesterday had fallen asleep, started taking the tablets yesterday, hope your morning is well'

Me 'we did speak yesterday. You said you were going to the pharmacy and I told you it was after 7pm and closed. You started telling me some highly unlikely things. I said on Monday I won't have conversations with you when you are drinking, so ended the call.'

Her ' I am really sorry about that I hadn't intended to drink but I did. Don't have any more and won't be going to the shop today'

I didn't reply - and I don't think I should

But - now I’m sitting with this horrible feeling of discomfort and guilt, because 'it's my job to fix it' 'I shouldn't be making her feel bad' if I text her I can make it all better.