I have been on Mumsnet for years but only posted once or twice. Desperately need some advice as I can’t seem to make a decision and wanted to know others opinions and if anyone has been in my situation.
Sorry this is going to be a long post but I don’t want to drip feed.
I have been married almost 30 years, together 35. We have 5 children between the ages of 33 and 17.
My husband is an alcoholic. He has been a heavy drinker for over 10 years but the last 5 have been the worst.
He has had 2 major falls in the past 5 years that have landed him in hospital, both times he fell from almost the top of the stairs to the bottom . The second one in the summer this year. This resulted in him breaking a lot of ribs on one side and having an internal bleed that had to rectified by a transfusion. He was in hospital for 4 days. After this we had 2 major talks where I told him I could not be with him any more if the drinking continued like this. He made me promises about the drinking and we agreed to try with him on a trial basis and in the following 6 weeks he broke every promise. During this time we had a holiday and 2 birthdays, one of them was his birthday. These are the reasons he gave for not keeping the promises.
Over the years I have put up with him drinking until he passes out. On 2 occasions he has been verbally abusive. That was a few years ago now and when I told him the second time that if he did it again I was gone. This has not happened since. He has had numerous falls where he trips or just overbalances and hits the floor. Resulting in a cut head/bruises and bumps etc. He fell against a window and smashed it.
Our 17 year old daughter is the only child left at home and she hated the drinking but ignored it and detached from him because of it, It’s definitely affected her and our 20 year old and I feel so guilty subjecting her and our other children to this. The older children haven’t witnessed the majority of this but they all know about it and have all been affected in some way because of his drinking.
I tried everything over the years. Getting angry, sad, making excuses, trying to make him see what he was doing to us, telling him I would help him get help, and finally ignoring it. But nothing worked. He would make promises and plans but within weeks would be back to the same routine.
He has had some illness and problems during this time. He has an autoimmune disease that came to a head 5 years ago and he had to have an operation in 2021 that was a success and resulted in this condition going into remission. But he had suffered with this condition for years before his operation. We also lost our business in 2022 that he loved and he has really struggled to find self worth since then. He hasn’t worked since. There are some reasons for this that I don’t really want to go into and this has not been an issue for me apart from the fact that if he did work it would give him something to focus on. We both have savings etc and money is not an issue and I have always worked. We are both mid to late 50s.
Before the most recent fall he had stopped drinking during the week and was only drinking on a weekend. But he would not just have a few, he would drink on the 2 nights until he passed out. Prior to this over the last 5 years he has had periods of drinking every night for a few weeks then periods of drinking 3-4 nights a week. He has had at least 3 last chances in the past 5 years.
Then 6 weeks ago he drank heavily on the night of our daughter’s birthday. I got angry and confronted him but he was too drunk to take notice. The next day he was remorseful and didn’t drink. Then 2 days later he again drank until he didn’t know what he was doing and almost fell down the stairs again. The next morning I told him I wanted to separate.
He said he understood completely and was very accepting of my decision. After some backward and forward of our living situation he has moved into a room we have downstairs and I moved back into my bedroom. I now consider us no longer married. We are living separately in the same house for now. This is on the understanding that he has no alcohol at all. He doesn’t buy any and has none in the house. He has kept to this and hasn’t had a drink since. I know this is true. He can go weeks without drinking and has done so in the past.
He wants another chance. He wants to build a new marriage from scratch. Start fresh with the absolute rule of no alcohol for him at all. Says he is ready to face this and has been to the GP. He has anti depressants and medication for anxiety. He is signing up for alcohol recovery group and has asked to go to marriage counselling. He can’t say sorry enough to me and the girls but I just don’t trust it.
I have told him I need time and that I don’t know what I want yet. I can’t see my life without him after so long together and all the years and memories and what we have built together, but I also can’t see a life with him again. Our children are very pro that this is my choice and they only want what I want. They love their dad and have said they will always be in his life as long as he is sober but have said they will stand by me and the decision I make and all they ever wanted was him to treat me right.
However he keeps asking now on a regular basis when will I make a decision and I keep telling him when I am ready. He has just again asked if I will go on a lunch date to talk. I again have told him I am not ready and need more time. I do still love him. I remember the man he was before the drinking took hold and the way his life was all for me and the children. But the last years have taken such a toll on all of us, I am just not sure if I can take the chance. If he relapses what will happen. He said the first time he relapses he will leave and he knows that it will be over. But I don’t know if I can face taking the chance of that happening and would it just be better to put an end to it now? We had such a good marriage before the drinking. Could we ever get that back? I just don’t know. I feel such resentment still. During the last 6 weeks while we have been separated I have felt peace, even though the living situation is not ideal. I feel like I have already detached. I do love him and feel sorry for him and I know he is devastated. He feels like he has lost his whole life. His family and his home. I know alcoholism is a disease but how do I make a decision about whether or not to allow it to possibly still be a part of my and my children lives. Could it ever work again.
If you have got this far thank you very much and all opinions and experiences are welcome.