Mum is a severe alcoholic - looking for advice/help

[Dontknowwhattodo123456]

my mum (54) has been an alcoholic my whole life (i’m 31).

the past 6 years it’s got much much worse. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s to do with getting old, not meeting as many men? I know that sounds trivial but that’s a big thing for her. When I was very young she had lots of boyfriends/would sleep with lots of people. That’s not really happening anymore so I wonder if her ageing and not being as desirable/attractive is playing a role. When I was younger she would drink very heavily for a week but also have a week off inbetween. She wouldn’t get withdrawals.

for background, She had a traumatic childhood, lost my father when I was a baby, and has also had a lot of terrible things happen to her when she’s been very drunk. She puts herself in very dangerous situations when she’s drunk.

now it’s got really bad. She’s drinking for 6-8 weeks at a time non-stop with maybe 1 day off. She gets really severe withdrawals, violent vomiting, shaking etc. she’s had to be admitted into hospital because her withdrawals are so bad. Last time she was admitted was February this year. She came out and was sober for 2 weeks and is back on the booze.

on my birthday a few weeks ago she had been heavily drinking for weeks an weeks and then suddenly looked like she was having a heart attack. Dropped to the floor and started having seizures. I thought she was dying. Ambulance came within 5 mins because after the seizures we couldn’t find a pulse.

when they came she woke up but kept having seizures. She was in hospital for 3 days. They put on her drips and sedatives to help her through the withdrawals but she walked out after 3 days and has been drinking ever since. They said the seizures are most commonly associated with alcohol withdrawal but can also occur when someone is heavily drinking. The seizures have started again. She dropped to the floor and had them again today. Her cleaning lady called my older sister. She then said she was fine and wanted to go to sleep. Slept for hours. Woke up and started drinking again.

im worried she’s going to die very soon. I’m sick with worry. I live about an hour away and have two young kids, one at school etc a one baby so it’s not possible for me to go round there regularly. I also don’t want my kids being around her when she’s drinking. She’s a really horrible abusive drunk. I have to think about them. I don’t want them to see what I had to see as a child.

what can I do? Everyone says there’s nothing I can do. That she needs to want to change. That’s not enough for me. I can’t stand by whilst she kills herself. What can I do? Can I section her?

desperately hoping someone has knowledge/experience with this. My younger siblings are 21 and 19. They’re too young to lose their mum. I’ve got to try something.

thank you for reading

I'm so sorry that is really tough, I don't have any advice, but hopefully someone knowledgable will be along soon.

Best wishes.

I’m so sorry. What an awful situation for you. I’m the same age as your mum, and lost mine when I was early 20s.

only she can decide to stop drinking and from what you say that’s not looking likely. Can you go to AlAnon? I think you could benefit from the support they will offer. Xx

Hi OP. I’m also the child of an alcoholic - my dad. He’s been an alcoholic since the 1980s - a minimum of 2 bottles of wine a day, later on more like 4 or 5 bottles plus a few whiskies before bed. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him sober for more than 24 hours and this was rare. He drove us around drunk, came to parents evening drunk, spent our birthdays and Christmases drunk, and after my mum left he found a new wife who also drinks.

He’s had various health issues and a couple of heart attacks but amazingly hasn’t reached the point of obvious cirrhosis yet. How, I have no idea.

I tried for many years to get him to stop drinking. I did everything I could think of. I thought if I could just think of the right approach then surely there must be something that will get him to stop. I hid bottles, decanted them with fruit juice, poured wine down the sink, cried and pleaded, wrote long emails and letters, staged interventions, got angry, went for long periods without seeing him. But nothing worked.

He was an aggressive, spiteful, melancholic drunk who made my life hell. I made the difficult choice to go NC and haven’t seen or spoken to him now for around 4 years.

It’s so hard but there’s no silver bullet. All you can do is your reasonable best then step away and not let it destroy your life too.

I don’t have any advice but there is hope, my dad had a wake up call when he discovered his liver scarring and stopped, I know it’s dangerous to stop without help if she’s having withdrawal symptoms so she must want to quit and get help to do so.
The only way to do this in my experience is to show them the damage like ascites and jaundice and how scary it is that there’s no going back from that. I’m sorry you had to experience this as a child and I’m sorry she hasn’t been strong enough so far but she’s lucky to have you and your support but she needs to know you mean it and mean it now. Not tomorrow because tomorrow never comes and as she’s about to learn is never promised.

I’m sorry to hear this, I’m just a little younger than your mum but stopped drinking 4 years ago.

I’m afraid you are going to need to try and come to terms with the fact there’s nothing you can do. No one has ever been able to “cure” another person’s alcoholism and you won’t be able to either.

I am so sorry. My Dad drunk himself to death. I tried everything, nothing worked. He didn’t want to live if it meant being sober.

unfortunately being an alcoholic is not grounds to have someone sectioned in itself, even if they are drinking themselves to death.

unfortunately it sounds like there is a very good chance she will die soon unless she stops drinking and even if she does that may not be enough now.

i don’t know what else I can say. It’s a fucking shit thing to go through.

You need recovery as much as your mum.
alcoholism, effects every family member.
you are the care giver, because you have had to be.
Have you checked out Al—Anon ? It’s about detaching with love. Only you can look after yourself and put in boundaries.
its sad and very frustrating to see a loved one in the thoes of deep denial and active full blown alcoholism.
You need support and so do your siblings.

My mother drank herself to death. Unfortunately, what everyone has said is correct, no one has ever cured another's alcoholism

I too would recommend al anon OP as you need support. Good luck x

I have no experience but you (and your siblings) need help too as it’s affected you drastically. You know that she will never stop drinking unless she wants to. There’s very little you can do. I would suggest getting expert advice and support for you and your family from the local authority’s drug and alcohol service, and potentially other national help such as Alcoholics Anonymous etc. I hope things improve for you. It must be so worrying and stressful, and you must feel so useless and probably guilty (although you shouldn’t as it’s outside your control - doesn’t stop you feeling like that though). Totally natural feelings. But that’s why you need help and support for yourself. To get prospective from experts.

There is nothing you can do. My mum is also an alcoholic and has been since I was 13 (now 40). It was always a lot to deal with and we tried everything for her. We went to her doctors to ask them to section her, she was drink driving, abusive and really horrible. It was having my first child that made me realise I didn’t want to put this on my kids shoulders so I went no contact in the hope that she would sort herself out. 15 years later and there’s no change. The things she has put other members of my family through in that time are awful. It’s not easy at first but you deserve some peace to live your life. People with normal upbringings will never understand n/c, but being a child of an alcoholic is a terrible thing that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

Maybe https://nacoa.org.uk/about-nacoa/helpline/ can help?

My mother turned to drink after my father died - I was 7 years old. She never stopped and we (four kids) tried so hard to make her stop.. unless she wants to change there’s nothing you can do unfortunately. I’m sorry, you’re better off stepping away and just getting on with your own life. I’m 53 now and still recall those day where I come in from playing outside with my friends to find her passed or worse still face down on the floor from yet another fall.. stayed with me for life.

Talk to one of the organizations
Accept this is an illness which will kill her.
She will die from this.

It is not your fault

Sadly this is reality.

you need to focus on your kids and yourself .
You cannot save her
You can save yourself
Set your boundaries see her every week or two whatever

So sorry OP. I also have a parent who was an alcoholic. To echo what others have said you cannot do anything to stop her, they have to do it themselves.
i would focus your efforts on your siblings as you will need eachother and of course your own children. I wouldn’t wish it on anybody it’s very hard.

I live in an area where you could refer her, online, to the drug and alcohol service.
She could attend an initial assesment, and be given options for support. She does not need to be sober to get that support/assesment, but she does need to show up.

Where I live, the org is V-i-a

I thoroughly second AlAnon for you and your siblings. If in Gloucestershire, look at Families first through the Nelson Trust.

https://www.viaorg.uk/

I'm so sorry, OP. Maybe you could persuade her to take vitamin b complex to at least protect her poor liver.

I think you need to let her be and go off to enjoy
your own life . There is only one way this women’s life is going it just depends how long it takes . She cannot be rescued she’s too far gone . I am very sorry , you’ve had an awful childhood and are still trying to help but I think your needs and those of your children come first .

It is just so terrible because you feel so helpless. As awful as it is there is nothing you can do. I totally understand everything you feel xx

It is really tough, OP, but unless she wants to help herself there is nothing you can do. You can’t force her to stop, and sectioning is not an option, even if someone is killing themselves with drink or drugs.

Unfortunately, as she’s been drinking for so long it’s likely she’s coming to the end of the road, and it’s just a question of when.

The road from addiction to death is an ugly and shocking one. For your own sake and that of your children, prioritise your own health and sanity, and just be there for your siblings as much as you can.

Oh op, I feel for you. Me & my sister grew up with an alcoholic mother who had men coming & going. My mum had a traumatic upbringing too - she lost her mum young and her dad lacked emotional intelligence and quickly moved on and not a word was spoken about her dead mum again. She was then raped by a stranger at 12 years old in a park and didn’t tell anyone.

i’m sorry to say this but there’s nothing you can do/say to make her stop. She has to decide. I used to cry and beg as a child and I was very nearly taken of her. My grandparents fought many times for this to happen. The prospect of losing me didn’t even make her stop.

it ruins so many lives and I’m sorry you’re going through it.

To add; my mum did stop and hasn’t touched it for over 30 years but it was only when she decided she’d had enough!

That's really traumatic and worrying for you. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm am a recovering alcoholic and it took for me to reach rock bottom. I eventually tried AA and that worked for me. You could get a section is she's a danger or at risk to her safety. You could maybe call the Crisis Line for advice.

I am also a recovering alcoholic and entirely reject the comment by @Deadmau5er
You cannot help your mum unfortunately OP. If she does not want to stop there is nothing you can do to change that. She has been in hospital and checked herself out to resume drinking. She wants to drink.

please contact Al-Anon, for your children’s and siblings sake as much as yours.
I wish you peace with whatever happens next.

I'm a very long time recovering alcoholic. I got sober through rehab and AA. It worked because I was desperate to stop drinking and prepared to go to any lengths.

Dear OP unless your DM decides she really wants to stop there's nothing to be done.

I'm not medically trained but an̈ old friend's alcoholic DH had the symptoms you describe and their doctor told her it was too late and he'd die soon.

I feel so sad for you.