Leaving alcoholic partner while clinging onto hope

[AAwife]

I know that i need to leave. My partner is a functioning alcoholic and it has just been cycle after cycle of me getting to the point of leaving, him promising to sort himself out, cutting back for a few weeks or a couple of months (never completely stopping) and then it gradually building up again until he's drinking heavily every night and becoming a dick, speaking to me like shit or having nonsensical rants. But he can also be so great and fun and interesting and caring and kind, but as the drinking builds up he becomes more jekyll and Hyde and I'm just waiting for the snide comments, sometimes they never come but im always on edge, waiting for them. We have two children and if he were sober we could be great, we often are, but I cant take any more of the nastiness.

On Friday he was drunk and started ranting about me having friends round with their kids earlier and how his own mum isn't allowed to our house (she is also an alcoholic and has said awful things about me and my family when drunk so I dont really want her round). He was being so snidey and resentful that I asked him why he was with me. I know it's stupid to ask when he is drunk and we're arguing but he refused to answer, saying that he wasn't going to give me compliments in the middle of an argument. Tonight, after he'd been drinking (because he does every night) he asked what's been up with me all weekend as I haven't seemed happy. I said that it made me feel shit that he felt like he couldn't say anything nice to me because he was angry with me because I needed to hear them then. He then started saying that I was trying to force him to compliment me and that he wouldnt do it then because I am just demanding it of him and it would feel fake or disingenuous. That was the nail in the coffin for me, that he becomes so argumentative and mean when in his heavy drinking phase of the cycle that he cant bring himself to say anything nice about me, purely because I've asked it of him. He was saying that he says plenty of nice things to me and does lots of nice things for me, which is true, but then there are also the bitter, drunken digs. I just cant do it anymore but I'm scared as well. I'm scared of the effect it will have on our children, I'm scared he will just unravel more. I just wish so badly that he could stop.

Leave him.
as a former child of a alcoholic parent the kids will not grow up to be stable. I’m in therapy and likely will be for years. My own parent died a few months ago having drunk themselves to death. It wasn’t pretty.

I’m in this exact same position with my DH. The mean, spiteful comments every evening, it’s like living on a rollercoaster. He can be like two different people, but lately it seems I’m only getting the nasty version, who once full of vodka every evening is just waiting to trigger when I’ve done nothing at all. The answer is to leave and I know that like you probably do as well, but it’s hard and terrifying because like you I’m scared that will he will unravel more, but at the same time I can’t live like this anymore and our children deserve better.

Sorry OP not very helpful, but you are not alone.

Thank you. Im really sorry that you're going through the same thing. Do you think you will leave. I am constantly hoping that it will change but I just realised that last night, while I was upset because he couldnt bring himself to say anything nice to me because I asked, he shook our 4 poster bed in anger (holding one of the pillars and shaking it for a few seconds- I was in the bed at the time but it's a superking and I was at the opposite end diagonally from him so he wasn't near me) and this morning I've realised that there's a dent in the wall and one of the bits came off... it's really unsettled me.

This was my life. I was married to a functioning alcoholic. His tipple of choice was vodka, and he would get through about 6litres of vodka a week, if not more. He would walk in from work and before saying hello he would be pouring himself a drink. He would often fall into a drunken stupor and I would have to wake him up to go to bed. If he did night shifts, he would get home at 6am and pour himself a vodka or two to 'help him sleep'

On a weekend he would start drinking from about 11am. He would continue all day long. He once stumbled in the kitchen and fell over. He fell over going into the toilet once, and on another occasion he fell, grabbed the curtains and pulled the entire pole down ... which he thought was hilarious.

He would fall asleep around 4pm. I would wake him to eat his dinner and he would eat then immediate go back to sleep leaving me with all the cleaning up.

He would get irate at the TV, but luckily not with me. But every word out of his mouth in the evenings was nasty. I would sit and pray that he would say at least one kind word about something, anything.

I would beg him to slow down, and he occasionally would for a few weeks. Then I found he was stashing vodka behind other things and sneaking it into his cola.

I decided he loved vodka more than me, and in March this year I left him for good after 32yrs of marriage. He has fallen three times since and caused nasty bruising to him face and arms. I feel awful as, without me watching him, he is deteriorating fast. He is 65, has quite a few ailments and still continues to get drunks every day. When something happens to him (and its just a waiting game) I will feel like the worst person on the planet for leaving him to fend for himself, but I had to look after me.

I have ended a relationship with an alcoholic recently. He was mostly sober; but a dry alcoholic and always looking for an excuse to drink.

The feeling of calm in the house is lovely, I feel so relieved. A friend came over yesterday and couldn't get over the difference- and he didnt even drink while he was at my house.

I know he will drink himself to death now, and that this has hastened the inevitable. But I didnt cause this, I cant cure it and I cant control it. Although it us very sad; it would be more sad if he took me with him down the slippery slope.

I know I need to leave my husband but its hard

He is a functioning alcoholic. The problem is, we both know he has a problem, he has lost friends over it, family have expressed concern about his behaviour and drinking and he hides vodka to drink in secret through the week. But because he works and people generally forgive him and laugh at his drunk behaviour, its almost like he forgets the shame and regret after a few months and goes back to secretly drinking

I have given the ultimatum more than once. He apologises and listens for a few weeks but then I find his secret stash or find him drunk. But he convinces me he'll definitely do it this time and I relent and take him back

I hate everything about him when hes had a drink. I can't even look at him. But then the thought of turning our lives upside down when he doesn't drink daily and there hasn't been a "huge event" makes me struggle with taking the final step ifkwim

@Whaleandsnail6 I'm so sorry....I could have written this myself. My husband is also a functioning alcoholic, who has periods of not drinking to excess (but never dry) then slides back into hiding vodka. It turns him into such a boring person to be married to as he repeeats himself endessly, can get nasy and defensive, and is quick to try and blame me for the inevitable problems in our marriage. He admits from time to time that he has a problem with drink and makes empty promises, but ultimately won't commit to giving up. And I do understand how impossible it must feel to have such an addiction, and I do feel sorry for him in that respect. Our friends think he's great - the life and soul of the party, and they enjoy having 'a few beers' with DH. Trouble is, what they don't see is the pre-drinking & post drinking that accompanies a night out, and the rambling man I have to deal with at the end of it. I just can't bring myself to rip our entire lives apart, sell our lovely house, leave our village and in doing so, inevitably lose friends, when a lot of the time we have a lovely life together, share common interests and are good friends. It's so difficult to decide what to do.... but I do know that I hate the anxiety surrounding checking his car/chest of drawers for his vodka stash, and the distrustful person his drinking has turned me into. I have been thinking about leaving him for years but somehow I just can't put myself through the massive upheavel, and the impact it will have on the wider family. So hard... and so easy for MNetters to say LTB.