Am i deluded?

[thankfulforeverything]

My husband of 30 years had some work issues etc and began drinking excessively early this year. As far as I know he was drinking at least or at most
A bottle of gin a day for about 2/3 months.
Things came to a head ( well I discovered the amount he was drinking)- he seems to have panic attacks
Anyhow he went to the gp and alcohol support services.
Now discharged
I cannot accept that he has got over this.
We are due to go on a very long planned trip next week but I'm not sure if that's a good idea. He says he's still keen to go but I think he's trying to appease me.
Could he really get a grip of drinking ? Spoken to the local support people who are positive but I'm not so sure

It's hard to know. Some peopl.do reduce their drinking, others learn to hide it.

Generally total sobriety is advisable for people who have a drink problem.

Are you worried your husband is still secretly drinking excessively? Or worried he will start again?

I don't think he's secretly drinking. But I suppose the thing is I no longer trust him. I regularly search his work bag . He used to get up in the night and drink so I now check he's not going downstairs to drink but is just visiting the loo.
Etcetera with other things It's quite exhausting mentally and I do know it's not my role to police him but I find myself doing it anyway.
He seems better overall but I guess I'm now anxious about the travelling as that seemed a big trigger before.

If his excessive drinking was only for a few months and he's taken what seems like serious steps to address it then I'd be hopeful that he's moved past it. If he's stopped drinking entirely and has no desire to restart then even more so; I'd be less convinced if he was still drinking.

I totally get the motivation to be the booze police, I really do. I've done it myself. But it's no way to live. He's done something about his drinking. You need to do something about your obsessive need to check.

It seems unlikely that he would go from drinking within healthy parameters, to suddenly drinking a bottle of gin a day. What's his drinking been like long-term? What's the history of travel being a trigger for his drinking?

I would recommend that you seek support from AlAnon for yourself, irrespective of any choices your H makes.

Check the cistern

Hmmm . He was a very controlled person
Regarding alcohol it really just came out of the blue. He said he couldn't sleep . He had/has a very senior job and was sidelined and felt humiliated.
He was such a confident person travelling all over the world for work but now he gets so panicked over the smallest thing.
I am really not sure what to say about it. I definitely want to support him he's been a wonderful husband and father .
Thanks for the replies . Reading other people's experiences on here has been absolutely terrifying.

What’s he actually doing now that’s different to what he was doing before? Unless something changes long term and permanently then it’s very likely he will drink again.

Stress can do a lot of damage and alcohol is a convenient, easily available and socially acceptable way of dealing with it. Of course alcohol is a really bad way of dealing with stress but it's such a common choice that it's a cliché.

I think it's good that he got help for his alcohol problems but it does sound more like his drinking was driven by a work situation that he found difficult to cope with. In other words, it sounds a lot like good drinking was more a symptom than a cause if you see what I mean.

Is he getting counselling or something else to help him deal with the issues that led him to that point, or is he thinking that as he's dealt with the drinking that everything is now ok?

Are you worried he will drink and ruin your trip? I can understand if this is the case, especially if you usually drink together while you’re on holiday.

Oh no the trip is unimportant the main thing is he's ok.
I wanted to cancel but he's insisting it will be good for him
Yes we would usually drink on holiday.
I've arranged multiple trips which will preclude drinking and it's not really a drinking type of trip more culture history etc
Think I just have to hope fir the best really
Once again thanks for your replies

If he was drinking a bottle of gin a day was he weaned off slowly? Has he had MH help too? I would honestly worry he was still drinking.

You would be justified in explaining to him what your fears are and asking what his thoughts are about drinking while you're on holiday. But ultimately how he deals with his sober life going forward is in his hands. All that being said, hunting through bags etc is not a good thing for you to do. No judgement here - I've done exactly the same myself. But being the booze police is corrosive to your well-being.

If he starts drinking again you'll know sooner or later regardless of you checking his bag. From what you've written here it sounds like he's taken on board your concerns, been open with his GP and the alcohol support services, and has addressed his drinking problem. Those are all positive steps. Right now I think you need to accept that for what it is - right now he's sober and he seems like he wants to stay that way.

It would be different if you've gone through several cycles of him promising sobriety and then drinking in secret. Or if he says "OK, I'm not drinking now, but we're going on holiday so it'll be fine if I have a drink." Or "I'll not drink most of the time but I want to be able to have a drink for celebrations / Christmas / birthdays / glass of champagne at a wedding / etc" because all those are indications that alcohol consumption can be justified and i's just a matter of finding the right justification. That's a big warning sign. But as things stand right now, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. You've seen him drunk and sober. You'll be able to tell the difference.

Go on the trip. If he says he’s ready for it, I’d follow his lead. I went away with my Dh when I was about 4 weeks sober. I was drinking probably as much as your Dh (3 bottles of wine a day), though for longer than 2/3 months. I quit and didn’t look back. That first sober holiday was wonderful and really drove home for me what a great time we could have without alcohol. I came back really re-charged and it was great for my confidence. So go, support him by not drinking and building your days around things other than alcohol, and have a lovely time.

Hello everyone Thankyou for your input . Well it seems the advice on here was pretty spot on
We went away he would have a beer/ glass of wine in the evening no spirits no day time alcohol
Some blips him convinced he's got a serious illness but on the whole it was ok. Still very stressful for me ( selfishly)
Been back less than two weeks and the secret gin binging is back with a vengeance.
Not sure where to go next.

Had an ok day today ( I think)
My daughter is really upset about it all as she's always Been so close to her dad and he's been incredibly supportive to her .
I told her what's been happening it she thinks we can do more.
I'm really not sure what more I can do.
Feeling very sad right now

That's a really tough place to be.

In your shoes, I'd go to Al-anon. I think you can do online sessions now. At least you'll be getting support.

Meanwhile, can you persuade him to go back to the GP? Or go to AA?

My partner is a reformed alcoholic, over twenty years now, and I've never known him not sober. But he still goes to at least one meeting a week.

So far so good this weekend but now I'm very aware of what many of you said that unless he addresses the underlying issues this is going to keep reoccurring,
Yes I'll call Al anon for advice. TBH the go and alcohol support services were not very helpful at all . In fact the alcohol support services were quite threatening re safeguarding and our grandchild ( he's never alone with them!)
Feeling overwhelmed TBH and the trust has gone not just from me but from my daughter as well

Yes I'm definitely deluded things are just getting worse.
I spoke to the Al anon people who are very nice but ultimately just confirm there's not much I can do
Just keep thinking of this time last year everything was absolutely fine I can't accept this is happening

I know I'm just venting but this is my only safe space.
I'm too ashamed to tell anyone what's going on and my daughter and me just keep going over and over it and crying

I am so sorry you and your daughter are going through this.

Alcohol is such a bitch - the acceptable coping mechanism for stress, but once it gets your grip on you it’s incredibly hard to shake loose and can destroy everything around you. (I’m speaking as an ex-drinker who is very grateful to have got out when I did).

Please don’t feel shame about your situation- it sounds like your husband has got addicted to an addictive substance. There is nothing you or your daughter can do to control or cure this. But please, get support for yourself. There is a really great thread on here for those affected by someone’s drinking - worth having a read even if you don’t feel up to posting yet. Will try to link to it in a separate post (I’m not very lucky with links, but you should find it in the Alcohol Support thread if I fail!)

This is the thread I was talking about

Thankyou I have been reading it but I suppose I'm not yet willing to accept it.
This time last year be was absolutely fine a couple of beers at the weekend if that! Now neat gin!! How has it escalated so quickly.
Spoke the go today who's prescribed antidepressants and sleeping tablets- I rushed off to the chemist to collect them think he was drinking while I was gone and took a zooiclone getting him upstairs was a dangerous mission.
I'm in bed myself now but feel like there's a huge stone lodged in my chest