Husband is a functioning alcoholic

[Aliv85s]

My husband and I (41 and 40) have been married for twenty years and are currently seperated due to his drinking. He's always had issues with managing his alcohol consumption but over the last few years we've been under a lot more life stresses (both his parents have been ill and I had two operations for skin cancer) which had led to his drinking getting worse.

He's always been a big drinker. His whole family have a terrible relationship with alcohol, and up until recently his father has been his drinking buddy. He's always managed to maintain a successful business and take of us financially, and we've always been supportive of each other emotionally, but when I got sick he withdrew and basically buried himself in working and started drinking to excess (as much as 60 units a week and binge drinking on weekends). He insists it was a mistake to neglect me but that it was a coping mechanism to deal with all the stress.

After many failed attempts to repair our relationships and get him to seek help, I finally moved out of our house this January. The space seemed to help and we decided to start trying to spend some time togther again. He had a few sessions with a therapist which seemed to be positive for him but in the last few weeks I've noticed his alcohol consumption increasing again, and he displaying the same toxic behaviours as before. He went to music event over the weekend, drank too much and went dark on me, leaving me worrying about him all night as he's had accidents and gotten hurt in the past.

I don't think he will change, or if he does it will be temporary, so I know I'll need to change my reactions/feelings surrounding his addiction, or end our marriage for good. I guess I'd just like some unbiased options on it as I always feel like his family and certain members of mi e gaslight me into thinking it's not that bad or that it's my issue.

Thanks in advance.

Hi there,

I felt compelled to respond. My husband died of alcohol addiction, it nearly destroyed me, but I managed to rebuild my life.
What I will say to you is you must make sure you look after yourself, emotionally, mentally and physically.
Sadly, his pattern seems similar to the one my husband took, he too came from a family of big drinkers.
Please try and keep in mind that he may never change. It's OK to say that you need to change your reactions, but as you know it's easier said than done.

What you do need are supportive people around you. There are several organisations specifically for addicts and their families.

It would be unfair if me to tell you to bin him etc.
That's a decision only you can make, but if you have support in place, you may feel less alone with this

Sending virtual hug

Someone else more helpful than me will hopefully be along but all I’d say is that this sounds like no way to live & you’re very young to have this for another 40 years (assuming he doesn’t drink himself to death in the meantime).

If he were actively trying to give up drinking / get help then maybe it would be worth sticking out but otherwise only you can make the change. You’ve surely done the hard part by actually moving out!

If you go back, then know that you’re accepting this life forevermore or until he finally changes (but if he doesn’t change after you leaving, then he’ll not likely change when you return.)

He won’t stop. You’ll spend all your life worrying about the next drink or picking up the pieces. I’d walk away.

Thank you for your reply. I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. I worry that mine will develop problems from his drinking and I want to support him but I also know I owe it to myself to put myself first for once.

I think you've already done the hardest bit...moving out. I'd recommend you keep up the momentum and divorce. Its no life for you. Put yourself first. You can't force him to change.

Just like @motherofdragons11 my husband also died of alcoholism. He was always a heavy drinker but functional. In latter years his intake and dependence started to increase considerably. It always does. He began to have his first drink at around 7.30am when he'd swig wine directly from the bottle. This was new behaviour and I was horrified. Eventually he was wetting himself where he sat and talking jibberish most of the time. It was like living with a zombie. I didn't seek help because I thought I could "save" him. I knew so little about alcoholism then. I cried, begged, shouted, walked out - you name it. The only thing he cared about was where the next bottle was coming from. If there'd been a housefire, he'd have saved the nearest bottle and let me burn to death. That's a certainty. OP, please don't think you can change him. You will drive yourself insane trying. He's the only one that can do that, and the percentage of alcoholics who remain sober is very small. Please think of yourself and seek support from Al Anon if you think appropriate.

Thanks for replying and I'm sorry about your husband. You're right when you say about wanting to 'save' them. I know deep down what's best for me but I'm finding it so hard to let go.

But letting go is probably the best thing for him too. As long as he thinks you'll be around to pick up the pieces, he will always feel like it's not a disaster if he relapses or doesn't really commit to giving up.

You can’t save someone who isn’t trying to save themselves.

Yes, I found it impossible to let go because there was a little thing called "hope" at the back of my mind. I hoped the man I loved would miraculously return. I thought if I stuck by him and poured enough love into the situation he would see the light, fall into my arms and we'd start all over - just like in the movies. But, OP, please let me put this plainly - alcoholics don't give a fuck. They are genuinely incapable of giving a fuck. The only thing that remained of the man I married was effectively his body, and even that was eventually ravaged by drink. I had become so sucked into this black hole of sheer insanity that I was unable to distinguish it from normality in the end. Don't let that happen to you.

Thank you. I appreciate your honesty.

I have recently called an end to a relationship with an alcoholic. I cant describe the peace I feel, even though I have sadness that his life will be shit. It came down to the fact that I can watch him die slowly, taking me down with him, or drink himself to death quickly.

I didnt want to go down with him, and I am okay with choosing myself.

Edited to add:
And having read the thread of the woman who found her brother after an esophageal bleed, I did not want that horrific experience to be a part of my life.

I too know what it's like to live with someone with alcohol dependency. You are still young, with many good years ahead of you, if you let them happen. I am sorry but you didn't cause this and you can't cure this. I say divorce him and start a happy new life where you're not always upset and worried.

Read a very interesting interview with Kim Kardashian last week on her relationship with Kanye West. She described trying to cope with the impact of his bipolar condition when he refused to take his medication. She tried to save him, however he was abusive, threatening and his behaviour was out of control. She said that she had to look after herself and her children and the pivotal issue was that he refused to help himself or to try to change.

I think you’ve done a brave thing moving out, you’re making your views completely clear to him. There is support available to him and it’s positive he’s at least tried therapy… BUT it might get worse, he’s ‘single’ and I imagine he could blame this and blame you when he’s cheering himself up with a drink. It’s more than stopping drinking it’s knowing what to do with the difficult feelings without alcohol. What happens if his parents health deteriorates or one of them dies? Christmas is coming which is a tough time for lots of people and drinking is almost expected.

I think you should focus on yourself and your own healing from this. Don’t hold out hope forever and do things that will make you happy with or without him. He needs to make the changes and your showing him you’re willing to wait but don’t allow the situation to remain the same whilst just living separately.