Husband drinks when I am away

[Suburbianpolarbear]

Hi, would welcome peoples thoughts on this situation. My husband and I have been married 7 years, lived together for 10 years and together since we were teenagers. When we bought our first house together I made the terrible discovery that he was buying wine in the morning and filling up plastic bottles with it to drink from it throughout the day. He immediately stopped and went to a “normal” level of drinking ie a few beers on a Friday and Saturday night which he tapered down over the years too. At the time he went to an alcohol assessment place who said he wasn’t addicted as he was able to stop without withdrawal but he was close to that. He said he had been doing that for around 6 months prior to us moving. His parents are functional alcoholics, had separated and it was all rather dramatic shortly before we moved. I generally blame them for his relationship with alcohol as he was drinking to excess when them both at their house before we moved in together. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but having grown up in a stable, non functional alcohol house I didn’t realise the damaging effect his parents and family would have had on him.

So moving on, he had struggles in the earlier years of living together after me discovering that with drinking to excess on nights out etc. which again stopped. The other main issue being if I went away for a weekend he would be tempted to drink to excess ie a bottle of wine, I might go away 2-3 times a year. There rest of the time he would drink “normally” ie a beer or two with a meal or glass or wine out for dinner, or night out. Because of the earlier years and him drinking to excess if I am away it has created trust issues in those situations. In between these situations I must say: we have a normal life, lovely holidays, gorgeous dogs, love for each other, he’s a good person, hardworking, all the things that make this situation harder.

Fast forward to now. We sold our house last year and moved in with my parents for 6 months whilst trying to find the dream next home. He hated living at my parents, we had a puppy along with our other dog who was being a nightmare and my dad was a crank about anything and everything. Grateful to my parents obviously for putting us up and couldn’t have been easy for them either but I can see why my hubby disliked that period it was grim. He went on antidepressants earlier this year as he was snapping, irritable and down and you could see it affected him.

So we found the dream house and moved in in Spring. Unfortunately since then the drinking issue has reoccurred.

I went away for a weekend with my mum in Spring and the night before I asked to see his bank transactions and he wasn’t able to explain two purchases he made driving to go and watch the footy with his dad the night before. Transpired he bought two mini bottles of wine en route to watch a big footy match on TV and had a couple drinks at the pub. He wasn’t visibly pissed when home so I never noticed but would have been over the limit.

Earlier in the year he went on two nights out with different friendship groups one of whom in the group brought drugs so they all ended up doing them and my husband came home drugged up and unable to sleep. We have both done drugs in our twenties and again he ended up doing them to excess but stopped, easily 15 years ago this was and he does not have a drug problem. He is however very impulsive in the moment and will roll with something if his friends are.

Then I made the discovery in September this year that he had been buying a bottle of wine in the week saving it for a Friday/and or Saturday night and pouring it into a water bottle to drink in our spare room upstairs whilst doing some hobby’s. I didn’t notice at first as he normally gets 4 small cans of IPA on a Friday or Saturday and I have a glass of wine or two. I noticed as he started slurring which didn’t make sense from beers. Anyway he admitted he’d be doing this for 3 months. He said it was fun in the moment, he does it for boredom and there’s something about getting away with it secretly too. He said since taking sertraline he had definitely craved alcohol more, so he reduced his dosage after that. A quick google will tell you it’s a common side effect. He had not been drinking at work or in the day etc and just looked forward to it as a Fri or sat night thing. We talked through how impulsive he is and how he tends to have random obsessions with hobby’s etc, the drugs night outs earlier this year and various other personality quirks. So he went for an ADHD assessment which he scored high on. We are awaiting him having private treatment/meds for that. We read online a strong connection between people with ADHD and alcohol issues/ impulsive behaviours. Many people on ADHD threads report their interest alcohol or other vices plummet when starting meds as it fixes their dopamine imbalance. I felt this was a positive hope for us.

Between all of this I have been away with work or stayed at friends more frequently than previous years. I have been away with work 3 times in last 6 months and been away twice another 2 times with friends as in overnight stays. On every occasion he has bought either a bottle or wine or on the two most recent occasions 8 small cans of beer. He has tried to keep his mind preoccupied the last couple times as he knows him being home alone when I ann away is a trigger. I have seen him try to change his behaviour like he has a set plan to keep himself occupied when I’m away. He goes to work as normal then went to gym after work to get home later (he would normally go at lunch) but unfortunately decided to buy the 8 beers last night on the way back from the gym. His mum/dad will pop round on weekends and often say here’s £50 cash treat yourself to a takeaway or something. He will always give me the cash so it’s not a trigger when I’m away, without me having to ask or knowing they’ve offered cash. Before I went away on Monday this week he said oh here’s a buggy bank of coins we had in a wardrobe. I feel he’s trying to avoid triggers. We agreed he’ll show me his transactions and receipts when I’m away given the trust issues the summer situation created. I discovered last night on Revolut you can swipe to hide transactions (why would it have this feature?!) and he said he had hidden the beer transactions, this is how I became aware of it. He then went on to say he did the same when I went away 3 weeks ago with work.

I reacted very calmly and we are going for counselling due to these issues discovered since September.

It’s very weird situation because when you write it all down, I know he has a problem. The problem largely is when he has the opportunity to drink in secret or when alone ie when I am away, he will do. I feel me being around and normal life holds him to account. If I only go away twice a year, it probably doesn’t come out. Because I’ve been away more it’s more of an issue however it’s always been there. I’ve told him I don’t want to kick him out for him to have to shape up and realise what he’s lost to change. I didn’t say this last night but we’ve had discussions to this effect in recent months. I feel fairly / numb / calm and don’t want to get all worked up. I realise these things take work and if he could magic out of the situation and not drink secretly when I’m away with so much ease, he probably wouldn’t do it in the first place. He has deleted this bank account which allows hidden transactions since and he said having the option to hide transactions is a trigger so he will use a normal bank account now.

I feel the adhd meds is our last hope for these issues and really hope it makes a difference.

Has anyone else dealt with similar issues? In earlier years ie 10 years ago I read dramatic stories where people say it’s a slippery slope, he’ll start drinking vodka, lose his job yada. I genuinely don’t believe that to be the case. I think his issue is if he’s alone, he wants to get buzzed and he needs to change his behaviour and build healthier patterns. I am hopeful ADHD meds works. I have given us until after Xmas to review the situation post ADHD meds (he doesn’t know this) and decide if this is the marriage I want to be in. I know I deserve honesty and trust.

I mainly wrote this as a cathartic outlet and to get an outside perspective from anyone who has been through similar. I don’t and do not intend to discuss this with family or friends. My parents are elderly and don’t need this stress and friends don’t need to know this info.

Thanks for reading

It sounds like you are putting all your hopes on the ADHD meds being a miracle tablet that will stop all the issues with alcohol, whilst it 'may' help reduce some of the cravings it will not stop your husband drinking in secret if that's what he wants to do

My DH has been on meds for almost 2 years and before that he did drink a lot - what he found from drinking on the ADHD meds was the hangover was worse - therefore he decided drinking wasn't for him as much - rather than waking up feeling rough he would lose the whole day maybe 2 to the hangover and its recommended that you don't take the ADHD medication when drinking heavily as that had side affects to - he still does enjoy a few beers on a weekend but he knows his limits now.

I think he needs to discuss and come to terms that he does have an issue with alcohol and work on a plan for that - counselling will be a good outlet for that as my DH went and they really helped him understand why he reacts at times the way he did - but please also be aware it will take a while to get results from the meds as they have to vary the dosage and brand - it is far from a quick fix and has its challenges until the dosage works for them

Thank you. Yes appreciate no pill will be a magic fix without the person having desire to change. Equally adhd meds should reduce impulsivity / self regulation so having that to help in the first place should in theory help with your point of view “if he wants to drink” alone. I don’t think he does, hence him giving me cash beforehand, or going to the gym at night to keep busy, but then he gives in on the way home. Thanks for your advice re the meds, we will see how things go on them.

Recovering alcoholic here, firstly, I think your expectations generally are a bit off. He isn’t a 15 year old being left home alone. He is a grown man. Drinking a bottle of wine one evening on the weekend (3 glasses) is pretty par for the course for most middle aged drinkers. I wouldn’t consider that excessive or problematic alcohol consumption. Nor is 2 mini bottles of wine and a few pints watching the football. It’s probably less than most of my friends who don’t have drinking problems would drink at a given weekend.

The problem here is twofold. A, you’re trying to control and police his drinking. He is an adult. He needs to do that himself. He isn’t a child and you are treating him like one. Let him be fully responsible for himself.

B, I suspect that this level of micromanagement has contributed to him drinking secretly. It’s very likely he’s drinking more than you realise and has been all along. Problem drinking is like a lift that only goes one direction. You can get off anytime you want, but if you choose to get back on, it keeps going down. No one gets to the filling bottles of water with wine for the day stage (I know because I did it too) and then just goes back to being a 2 beers on a Friday night drinker. It’s not possible because of the way neural pathways are formed in the brain. If he was really at that stage, he will have continued to drink much more heavily than you realise, but has probably hidden it well. If he’s hiding bank transactions, he’s not just drinking a bottle of wine at the weekend when you’re away.

All that being said, medication isn’t going to change things. Controlling and shaming him isn’t going to change things (usually it makes it worse). You can set boundaries for what’s acceptable and stick to them for yourself. But he has to sort this out himself. It sounds like he’s trying to “change” to keep you off his case and that’s not going to work. The best thing you can do is to let him know you care and will support him (don’t drink, don’t bring alcohol in the house, plan things together that don’t involve the pub), but step away and let him take control.

I agree with @mindutopia . I'd be very surprised if your interventions led so swiftly and easily to him cutting down or stopping whatever behaviour he was supposed to ceasing. Drinking wine in the morning and throughout the day is extreme behaviour and is rarely followed by "He immediately stopped and went to a “normal” level of drinking ie a few beers on a Friday and Saturday night". I am not saying it's impossible that this is what's happened but that it would be exceptional if it did. You need to consider the possibility he has been struggling more than you think he has.

I also agree that you (understandably) sound very controlling over his drinking. This might seem like the best way forward but ultimately it's not. HE needs to take responsibility for his drinking; do the work to understand why he drinks and take steps to resolve the issues without using alcohol. He may be able to moderate, he may not. Likely moderation will lead to future escalations in drinking because he has already shown that he is unable to stop it getting out of control.

Do you feel like he has opened up to you about his drinking? Your OP reads a bit like; you discover disturbing behaviour around drinking, he says sorry and stops immediately. Is there dialogue and genuine soul searching about his behaviour? It sounds a bit like he is telling you what you need to hear and then he either goes through a period of adherence, or possibly just becomes more sneaky.

You should also seek support because this may be a rough and frustrating ride for you too. There is a supportive thread on here for people affected by someone else's drinking. AA also has a group for friends and family of alcoholics.

One last thing - being a child of an alcoholic (or two) will have given him an incredibly difficult start in life. Alcoholism is not a fait accompli for him but he will be damaged by his history with alcohol and he needs to understand what the impact of that has been on him.

ETA - good luck OP, and to your Partner.

Hello, thanks, appreciate the wine in bottles thing sounds extreme, it was 10 years ago and I can assure you he did stop that. It wasn’t instantaneous and he has slip ups over the course of that first year but I can’t write my life story here, and it was extremely tough when he did slip up, as I said he also drank more back then on weekends ie 3 large beer bottles on a Friday or Saturday which he reduced over the years and now has 1 or 2. His parents were going through a separation at that time and he was drinking through hangover. Yeah at the time I thought the same as you when I discovered the day drinking, thinking he must be addicted type thing, but he wasn’t. He had been doing that for around 3 months so not long enough to be physically addicted. I know as he lost about 2 stone in weight from kicking it and again all in hindsight but at the time of discovery he was snappy and reeked of booze. My husband is a million miles from that man now so please don’t suggest I’m some sort of naive person and he must still be doing that secretly all the time. I guess I don’t have to justify myself from 10 years ago or my husband but he absolutely does not drink like that anymore. He moderates basically.

The concern is when he’s alone at night he’s not held to account and his mind goes to that place/temptation.

I understand the point about a bottle of wine being a normal ish amount but it’s more that he would do it secretly that is the issue, if he said let’s share a bottle of wine obviously I would do. I do worry / police more than I should do the fear of history repeating itself.

Anyway, the drama from this week has at least lifted now and his ADHD medication appointment is in 1 week so I’m moving on from it and looking to the future

Thanks for your replies they were helpful considerations regardless