Can’t figure out if DH has alcohol problem or not

[Autumnpumpkin5]

DH early forties - drinks every Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday no alcohol but lots of caffeine-4/5 cups tea.
Thursday evening-4/5 canned beer pints
Friday -evening 4 Beer pints Guiness
Saturday - 4 Guiness pints again
Sunday Afternoon - Bottle of Wine

No drama or anything like that- All were consumed at home. He has recently low folic acid so this is because of alcohol intake. He always say this is normal etc. His dad is an alcoholic, part of me worries about him turning like his Dad and then i’m thinking this is not fair that I’m focusing on my fear and judgement.
I may have occasionally wine glass with him but I never go and buy it if that makes sense.

He does school runs,weekly mop, hoover everyday , Rubbish bins etc. Takes children to their clubs etc.He also pays the full mortgage, food shopping, council tax , petrol and two clubs fees for children.
Sometimes, I think there is something wrong with me . I’m not appreciative of him enough and just tend to focus on his negative traits.I do love him.
I am in late thirties-he has diagnosed me with pre menopausal, apparently from Google. May explain my irritability behaviour towards him.

Any insights or your thoughts about this would help me.

there is a group called Al Anon for the families of alcoholics who may be able to help you.

He's drinking over 30 units a week which is not good for him. Also, drinking 4/5 pints of an evening may mean he's over the limit to drive the following day even if he feels fine. Could he stop? If he couldn't, he has a problem.

The reason Al Anon exists is because of the negative impact of alcohol (worry, stress, impact of behaviour by the drinker) on members of the family.

your DHs alcohol consumption is high, and not leat of all because it is multiple drinks on consecutive days. The long term damage on his organs will be significant if he carries on like that, not least of all the weight he must be carrying because of the calorie consumption over the long term.

the reason you're feeling bad is because he obviously isn't engaging in your concern, he's in denial and seems to think the problem is with you not him. His diagnosis of you, is just a deflection because of course it's all your fault because you're premenopausal.

sorry I don't have any solution for you, only he can solve this one by recognising the problem is his to own and deal with - just wanted to validate your feelings and worries because it will weigh you down the longer it goes on.

Recovering alcoholic here, based on how you describe his drinking, no I wouldn’t say he’s an alcoholic. 4 drinks a night Thursday to Sunday, while more than is healthy, is probably quite standard for most people in their 30s-50s. Certainly, looking at friends and dc’s friends parents, the sorts of people in our social circle, I’d say that’s pretty typical drinking.

But there’s two things that jump out at me. His dad is an alcoholic and he’s been flagged up as having a folate deficiency. I would actually wonder if he’s drinking more than you see him drink. Me personally, I was drinking at least twice as much as the official drinks I poured and drank with Dh or at dinner or with friends. I’d have a bottle of wine open, but a box of wine in the garage. I was always needing to get something outside and would refill my glass on the way. Or we’d have Sunday lunch out and I’d have 2 glasses of wine, but every time i went to the loo, I’d swing by the bar for a large glass and drink it before I swung back past the bar to deposit the glass.

I too had a folate deficiency, but not until the point when I was drinking at least 2 bottles of wine every day.

Fwiw, I too was doing all the school runs, working nearly FT, organising the kids, doing all the birthday parties, the cooking and food shopping. I could manage all of it despite being quite ill actually. I was quite irritable and miserable though, and like your Dh thought it was everyone else’s fault, Dh’s because he kept asking about how much I drank, my employer for being so annoying, the kids for not just giving me two seconds. I am a lot less irritable now that I’m sober. It turns out, it wasn’t everyone else’s fault.

Now your Dh may or may not have a drinking problem. But he is predisposed to it, genetically and because of his family life growing up. And he’s showing gut issues often related to alcohol misuse. And he’s sounds like he’s maybe not as happy as he could be. Together, that’s an issue, but he has to decide that for himself unfortunately.

It doesn't really matter if he has a problem or not; you're worried about him due to his dad's issues and that is perfectly reasonable and a reason for him to cut down.

Reading that consumption I would say there are plenty of people who drink that amount who would feel lots better if they stopped, but unfortunately if you did a survey you'd find it pretty normal.

I'd expect he's drinking a lot of tea because he's tired all the time from being completely sleep deprived Thursday to Monday. But also I know plenty of people that drink that much tea because they like it not because they need the caffeine.

It would however be relatively unusual to be perimenopausal in your late 30s. You're probably irritable because it's pretty unattractive to be dealing with a drunk four nights out of seven.

There's a few things here that would make me think he has a problem. He's drinking around double the recommended alcohol every week (and doing it on consecutive days). The Thursday - Sunday drinking pattern feels very reminiscent of the 'weekend only' drinker who gradually extends it out to include days adjacent to the weekend (how long until he starts drinking on a Monday too?). Finally, the trying to shift the blame onto you by diagnosing your irritability with him as being perimenopause (not impossible, but unlikely at your age) sounds a lot like denial - he needs to find a reason to believe that you are the problem, not his drinking.

Thank you for the useful information I have been given here and also thank you for sharing your personal perspective. He has been a heavy drinker for more than 20 years. I have brought up this with him, and he said he will cut it down. I’m very confused sometimes to understand him. From Monday to Thursday night he is on very strict diet and doesn’t eat carbs etc. He has liver tests done and nothing was picked up. Not sure how accurate the blood tests can be without having liver scan done.He has lost a lot of weight with his diet. I worry he hasn’t got something else going on. He works in a senior role, I understand he is always stressed because of projects deadlines etc. I have also noticed he does not eat too much before drinking to enjoy the full effect of alcohol. Your responses has certainly made me think in a different way.

I think he's drinking more than is good for him, but i doubt he's an alcoholic.

The term alcoholic is a bit misleading. The more commonly accepted term now is alcohol use disorder. The reason I say this is that when 'normal' drinkers think about alcoholics they picture folk under bridges drinking out of paper bags. Your partners alcohol use is high around 40 units and while it may not be impacting his daily life - so he is functioning well, it will be impacting his health. Alcohol is a grade one carcinogen directly linked to seven cancers. It is also widely recognised as a contributing factor in dementia, heart disease and strokes. Most people focus on the liver, however the impact on the heart is more pronounced. Most heavy drinkers suffer heart or cardiovascular problems rather than liver disease - the liver is a very resilient organ. The heart less so. My liver results were horrifically high. My cardio vascular health appalling and I was drinking north of 100 units a week and functioning perfectly well. He is drinking well in excess of what is considered healthy - note the WHO states that no amount of alcohol is safe - so I would say, in my experience he has a 'problem' but possibly not the one you are thinking off. I fully expect someone to jump on and call me a killjoy and a scaremonger. Let me state now that if I could drink alcohol I would, I am not here to pour rain on anyone's party. I just have to remind myself daily how absolutely horrific it is for the human body and brain.

yes I totally agree @Lesina, I am reading quite a lot on alcohol use and yes I think he has a problem.

It sounds a lot and from when his aunt and I went to Al anon meetings years ago with first dh who was an alcoholic ,

there are many types of alcoholic. They aren’t all drunk the whole time and pissing theirselves, can’t hold a job etc as many think an alcoholic is

aunty has one glass a day but if she doesn’t she twitches. She was told she had issues with booze as was every day

friend binge and only drink Fri and sat but go overboard

another drinks 4 pints every day

can your husband not drink at all for a month @Autumnpumpkin5. If he can’t he has issues

To me that sounds pretty average. And it's good he has some days off. It's still double what he should have though.

He will need to want to cut down, he won't do so just because you want him to. He will have much more energy and feel much better if he does try and reduce it.

I managed to halve my drinking a few months ago and now I have a new lower 'normal'. I hope he considers trying this.

This website has a lot of people who really find any alcohol a problem, so I’m not sure how balanced a view you will get. He is drinking over the safe limit, yes, many people do. I don’t think he is an alcoholic nor do I feel he has alcohol use disorder.

Is it great no, but many people do things that aren’t good for them, for example obese people eating too much regularly , or people smoking etc. it’s problematic if he’s drunk etc, but he’s not.

id not like it myself, but there are so many things we do as humans that aren’t great for us. I get it you may lead a very healthy lifestyle and have nothing he can look at you for. But that’s few and far between really

The amount, to me, isn’t concerning - although of course it’s not healthy.
problematic alcohol use doesn’t have to mean he’s drinking to excess - does his drinking interfere with his day to day life or present any problems or barriers? For example -
is he an arsehole if he doesn’t drink?
does it impact how he parents/what he’s like to live with?
does it cause financial strain?
does he struggle with hangovers?
does it dictate what you or he does?

To me, I don’t think he can go without drinking even one week- He doesn’t have any hangovers and wakes up at 7 regardless whether he is sober or has drunk the night before.

Prob doesn’t have hang overs as so used to drinking

if he can’t go a Week let alone a month with no booze then he has issues