Please help me do the right thing re a colleague

[Mildandcreamyricotta]

I know a colleague has had a very tricky relationship with alcohol in the past, they’ve never use the word alcoholic but have absolutely implied it. I know they’ve been sober for years after an experience where they lost control when drunk basically scared them into sobriety.

Theyve had a few difficult things to deal with the last few weeks. I saw them today (we don’t meet in person that often) and they looked really awful…tremors, bloodshot eyes, flushed skin and I could smell stale alcohol on their breath. Also catastrophising and tearful/distracted. This is very unlike them - I’ve only ever actually known them sober and they were a different person today mentally and physically.

I’m really concerned about their wellbeing - mostly mentally but obviously physically also. I tried to get a chance to talk to them today to check in on them but for various reasons this just wasn’t possible.

What do I do? They’re on leave from today for a couple of weeks so I can’t check in directly on them.

Do I confide in a manager I’m really worried about them? Something else?

I care about and respect the person an awful
lot and don’t want to set hares running but it’s been playing on my mind all evening. I feel
like I need to let someone know but equally absolutely don’t want to do the wrong thing.

You’re very kind to care. If you don’t have your colleague’s contact details, and can’t get a message to them directly, I would speak to their manager or your HR team to share your worries so they can check in with them.

That’s kind of you @itsme7- it just feels like a normal human reaction. I think I’m extra concerned because they live alone and clearly weren’t in a good place today…but I am conscious of not overstepping the mark etc.

Would you recommend I tell the line manager factually what I noticed today in terms of the physical and mental signs? Or just say I’m worried about them mentally.

I’d stay out of it. I tried to get an alcoholic colleague some support once and it blew up on me a bit. If you were that close, you’d have a way of contacting them.

We’re definitely not ‘close’ but we’ve got a very good relationship and I care about them and am actually really worried about them. You’re right in that I don’t have their contact details as we’re not ‘friends’ - but that doesn’t mean I’m not really worried about them. I totally hear what you’re saying. However it doesn’t feel right to do nothing when a decent human is obviously struggling. I feel like I have a duty of care to at least let SOMEONE at work know. If something happened to theM and I’d kept quiet I’m not sure I’d forgive myself. But maybe that’s something I need to deal with myself.

This is a natural response but I'd be cautious about formally raising anything. See how they are after their leave, might be briefly off the wagon.

Can you see them on social media? Could you DM them and just say just checking in, been thinking about you and hoping you're ok, let me know if you want to meet for a coffee while you're off. You don't have to mention the alcohol but if they were visibly upset in front of you i think it's fine to check in

I would make time to see them when they’re back from leave and just let them know that you noticed they don’t seem like themselves and don’t look well and that you are worried about them.

I wouldn’t involve HR or line manager. It makes it a performance issue and could have unintended consequences for them professionally. And realistically, they’re on leave now. HR will not call them back from leave to address this, so it’s the same as waiting until you can speak with them personally. I’d approach it as a friend who cares, not as a colleague who thinks it’s affecting their work. It may be helpful to know where you can signpost them though. Many employers can connect with alcohol support through occupational health programmes.

It’s even possible that this leave is for detox or an intensive outpatient programme, which would be a really good thing. When I quit drinking, I took 3 weeks off in the first instance (actually I ended up with about 3 months off) because that’s often recommended for people who are getting sober, even if not through a formal programme. To treat it like a physical illness and take time off to recover.