Difference in drinking limits

[Pepsimax99]

I am hoping for some advice. My boyfriend had a breakdown nearly 5 years ago. We met 4 years ago but broke up after a short period. I had noticed him drinking in the day and had started to smoke (in secret). Fast forward 2 years and we got back together after he got in touch. Said his life was in order but it became apparent over time he was abusing alcohol, drinking about 1/2 bottle of gin a day. I had to raise it with him as I was concerned for his health and the meds he was taking for his mental health. He gave up drinking for 6 months, went back to work but then slowly started drinking again. I had to mention the drinking again at Christmas and we came to an agreement that he would only drink 2 days a week. He started a new job recently (high profile stressful job) and his stress levels have gone up. I became aware he was drinking more, then last Saturday lunchtime, I noticed he was going out to the kitchen to drink from a bottle of wine in secret. I could hear the cap turning. I confronted him, he said he was sticking to our agreement. He then confirmed he wasn’t and had cravings. We’ve had a very difficult week, he didn’t want to talk but eventually called me today (we don’t live together). I was hoping he was going to say he was giving up alcohol for good but he wanted to reach an agreement on what would be an acceptable level. Said I was the love of his life but he didn’t want to give up something he enjoyed and would I agree to him drinking on a Friday, Saturday and Sunday (up to one bottle of wine a day/night). That it wasn’t right for either of us to control what the other did. He spoke to his parents about it, they drink every day so it’s normal for him to see them having a bottle of wine on the go during the day. His compromise is only to drink at the weekend. I think he thought I would just agree and then we could more on but I can’t get my head around this. I’ve tried to explain that I am thinking of his health and well-being and our lives revolving around alcohol at the weekends is not something i had thought about for my future. For context we are in our 50’s and I don’t drink much, especially since going through the menopause. I personally think he’s got an alcohol problem. He says everything in our lives is just perfect, it’s just this one thing. The drinking makes me anxious and I think we’re both in denial, him more than me. I’ve said this is probably a dealbreaker for both of us but have suggested speaking to a counsellor.

You’re just not compatible.

Thanks, I guess that is something I’m coming to realise. Last week it was a drinking problem and today it’s now a lifestyle choice. It’s a hard realisation.

It sounds like he is making excuses for you to allow him to drink more. Away from whether that is appropriate or not - if the alcohol is that important to him that he risks losing the relationship then it’s a concern. In this instance, I do think that it’s appropriate for you to limit his alcohol. Regardless of quantity, he has an issue.

he needs to address his priorities and why he relies on alcohol. Then either he leaves or you work together.

Thank you for your reply. I thought our conversation was going to be about how we move forward and communicate better but he just seemed to want an agreement about the alcohol. We have a fundamental difference, I can stay in the relationship if he is seeking help (he has an appointment with a counsellor next week, he is going to talk to them about his work stress) but not if this is a lifestyle choice.

I don’t understand why the alcohol is so important, unless he needs it. He said it was because he enjoys it but I really don’t believe this.

He might genuinely think that’s why but from what you’ve said it’s clear that isn’t the case and it’s because he has an addiction or a problem.

it’s so hard to be in this position. I would speak to someone, possibly alanon. Might be al-anon but it’s for the family of addicts. I think you have a big decision to make and it’s how invested you want to be in this when he is effectively working against you.

The alcohol is more important to him than you. It’s his primary relationship. Time to move on.

Thank you. I agree with what you are saying. I’ve just spoken to him again, he has now admitted having a drinking problem and for a while. He has been abstaining this week (but admitted he had a glass of wine with his parents at lunchtime), he said the cravings were bad yesterday but he got through the day. I have said that I understand having a social drinking at the weekend but that is completely different to needing a drink. He needs a drink and that is the issue. He’s asked me to see how he gets on over the next few weeks and that he will be honest with the counsellor. I’m hoping they will talk to him about his reliance on alcohol. At this stage, he is saying he doesn’t want to give up alcohol completely and thinks he will be able to control it so that’s a big concern. Says his family all drink, enjoys it etc etc. An addiction is hard to control. I’ve already researched some organisations so thank you for that suggestion, I will contact them this week.

Get him to keep a diary of how much he is actually drinking. If he wants to drink at weekends say only in the evenings and after x time, to limit the number of drinks. If he starts drinking at lunchtime he could have a lot of drinks in the course of the afternoon/evening.

Unfortunately you alone will never be able to ‘fix’ the problem he has with alcohol. Addicts don’t know they’re addicts, they lie to themselves and everyone around them is the enemy. The fact that he is bargaining with you and trying to negotiate more alcohol than previously agreed is indicative of a massive problem. He needs addiction support, structured medical help. You won’t ever do that - not because you’re not capable, he just hasn’t admitted to himself he has a problem, nor does he have the desire to.

Thank you all for your replies. I looked online at the weekend and came across the SMART recovery website. They have some online programmes so I will see what his reaction is/if he will engage with the online training as a start. I’ve already told him he needs to take responsibility for getting help as I can’t do that. However, I think you are right, he doesn’t think he has a problem. Well he has admitted he has a problem but thinks he can control it. I’m hoping that he tries to help himself as this is not going to go away, only I will.

Honestly, the worst thing you can do is to try to set limits for him and police his drinking, or to try to cajole him into getting support.

Speaking as a recovering alcoholic, he will find ways to drink in secret (and no way will he only be drinking 1 bottle a day). I used to have bottles hidden all over just for getting a secret drink in. I was 1.5 years sober and still finding the empties hidden in like old garden waste bins or in my desk drawers. Someone else trying to control your drinking only makes you get better at hiding it.

I think you need to be quite firm that he needs to get sober if he wants to continue the relationship and be ready to walk away if he doesn’t. He needs to figure out for himself the route to sobriety that’s going to work for him and he needs to take responsibility for that. You running around trying to sort everything out for him is doing him no favours. He needs to heal by doing it himself. It doesn’t work when someone else does it for you.

Thank you, I really appreciate the advice. I’ve already said to him I can’t police him and I won’t. That’s too stressful and too much for me, luckily we don’t live together. I’d rather walk away than do that. I don’t really know how much he has been drinking recently, said it had escalated on starting a new job 6 weeks ago. I’m guessing a bottle of wine a day but could be more or less. I know where he keeps the wine in his house but it’s very out of site, locked away in a cellar so it’s hidden. I must admit I’m a fixer so have tried to step back but it’s hard. I’m hoping the counsellor talks to him about why he drinks as the only reason he has told me is that he enjoys it.

My boyfriend (now ex) has fallen off the wagon as he called it. He has fallen off it several times over the last 2 months but spiralled on Friday after going to a drug and alcohol centre assessment - he arranged it. He said he looked around at the drug addicts and heavy drinkers and thought ‘I’m not like that, why am I here’. Went home, sent me a text saying it went fine and then hit the red wine. I didn’t know any of this until the next day, we were supposed to be going on holiday and I couldn’t get hold of him. I sent him a text asking if he was ok, and he replied not really, he had fallen off the wagon and doesn’t think he can be the person I want him to be. He’s decided he is not ready to give up, he’s got too much pressure in his life right now and needs this crutch. He hit the bottle as he feels so bad about himself and he just wants the bad feeling to stop - blot it out. He knows that the relationship is over as the lying and secrecy has erroded the trust in our relationship and I can’t agree to turning a blind eye anymore. He’s on strong medication due to previous mental health problems and I’m concerned about him as he’s not supposed to drink on them (although has obviously been doing that). When I went around to his house yesterday he was just sleeping in the afternoon, said he had been drinking since 9am. I’ve never seen him so low. Do I alert his family as I’m worried about the mix with his meds? Or just leave him even though he might not see anyone all week and may just carry on drinking. I still care about him deeply and don’t want him to come to any harm. Any advice please?

If it were me I think I would alert his family in a factual, unemotional way and then have nothing more to do with him. You can't fix something like this and he'll only drag you down with him.

Thank you for your reply. I was thinking the same - just factual. I tried to pop in yesterday on my way home but they were out. I can go over there today, it’s a 45 min drive and if they are out, I can leave a note in their postbox. I don’t have their telephone number. They are in their 70s so I don’t want to overstep the mark but I think someone in his family should be checking in with him. I feel down myself today but I know I will get through this, it’s just very sad.

Is ok to not go and see his parents. I don’t feel that great today and that’s not going to help. But I feel guilty, guilty for leaving him to cope on his own - but he can’t live without ‘it’ and I can’t live with ‘it’. I’ve now held a mirror up to him and I can’t go back but I feel enormous guilt and also now guilty for not telling his parents, today anyway. I haven’t told anyone, none of my friends or family know - I’ve been keeping his secret. I still am, I have no-one I fell I can share this with today.

Oh Pepsi, he’s putting you through so much. I hope you will be ok. Definitely leave a note in an envelope for them if they’re not in and warn them but you aren’t responsible for him. He is responsible for himself.

im so sorry you’re going through this