Is DH an alcoholic?

[YorkshireTeaDrinker2]

On holiday with DD (14) and DH. DH has drunk 24 bottles of larger over two nights. He and DD did a 9 mile fell walk yesterday, he cracked open a beer as soon as they got back.

He drinks very regularly in the evenings at home. But he generally spends the evening in his man cave, so I don’t see his consumption. I did manage to get him to the GP for the middle-aged man check, he had a stack of blood tests (apparently his liver function is normal) and they gave him a leaflet about stopping drinking. He is supposed to be on an 8 week plan to reduce his alcohol intake. It doesn’t appear to be working.

I don’t know what I can do to make /help him stop. I fluctuate between feeling sorry for him and being absolutely f**king furious. I also worry about the impact on my DD.

The way to learn how to not put up with it is to join Al Anon. It is an organisation designed to support the friends and family of alcoholics. They will have all been where you are and will share their experience of how they were able to create better lives for them and their children.

There are online meetings and face to face ones so you can see if there’s anything local. It’s all completely anonymous so don’t worry about meeting anyone you know - if you do then they are there for the same reason that you are!

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

Thanks for the recommendation of al-anon. I have sent off an enquiry and the local meeting takes place in my church, so at least I know how to find it!

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to respond. I know DH needs to confront and address this, but so do I. I think because he is functioning, I have minimised the extent to which he is an alcoholic. He is a functioning alcoholic. I need to face up to that and start to make changes accordingly.

And that is relevant how? Mind your own business.

Does he drive at all? If so he probably should stop, and I certainly wouldn't get in a car with him (or let my child in a car with him).
Good luck, such a rough situation

Do you not notice he’s drunk?
i couldn’t live with that.

i wish you all the best

Sometimes I think the label "alcoholic" is less useful than " problem drinker". His drinking is a problem for you, it may not be a problem for him because he gets to drink as much as he wants without it affecting his health (yet).

He makes his drinking your problem:

• You have to watch him get drunk
• You are essentially a single parent to your child
• You are the responsible adult if anything happens, the adult who will tidy up after him, the adult who will have to drive because he is incapable.
• You are the one trying to smooth over any problems with his relationship with his daughter and anyone else
• You are ignoring your own emotional needs for a functioning relationship (not wanting to break up the marriage)

All of these are now your problem. He doesn't have a problem with continuing to drink.

It's like having a third party in your relationship - alcohol. He spends his time with alcohol and you get the leftovers. If it was another woman you'd be out of there.

Yes, I do notice. He is not unpleasant or aggressive, just vacuous. It is not all the time. So I work round it. I like to think that I wouldn’t put up with it too. But I have ended up in a situation where I do put up with it.

@TheLongRider your post made me tear up. You are absolutely right.

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this OP. I would say, as someone who has unfortunately experience of family & addiction, especially alcohol- you didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it, you can’t change it.

All you can do is decide how much of it you & your daughter are exposed to.

An addict never stops until they want to, and unfortunately that time never comes.

Going to add my voice to the choir: you did not cause this and cannot control it. Until he is ready to confront his problem you will get nowhere. It may be that he needs to hit rock bottom before that time will come, in which case you need to decide where your red line is.

As pp have recommended, please go to Al Anon. You will find help and support from people who are going through/ have been through the same as you.

I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. I just wanted to give you some clarity to reframe the issue. If you think of the alcohol as the third party in your marriage you have a much clearer picture of how you would deal with it.

You can decide what to do with your life. You can make decisions for yourself. As with any affair only you can decide to stay in the relationship. It takes two people to maintain a relationship and he has checked out to spend time with alcohol instead. Personally I would be making steps to leave.

He would need to show that he was capable and prepared to prioritise you and your daughter over drinking. He would need to accept that his drinking was problematic for you and your relationship with him. Usually problem drinkers try and turn it around on you and blame you for the drinking or that you're no fun or controlling - just as in an affair.

You have the right to say that you are fed up of being the responsible adult and that you will sort out your own life. You do not prioritise alcohol, that's his problem.

This is not an easy road to go down, there will be heartache but you can make a better life for you and your daughter. You will no longer be waiting for the next sound of a can opening, or him picking a fight or expecting you to pick up the pieces. You can and will have peace and clarity.

If his liver is normal he can't be caning it to severely. But that doesn't mean to say he's not alcohol dependent.

On holiday ten beers a day isn't that outrageous. But my family are big drinkers. I hope he hasn't been acting badly in drink?

If he wants to stop give him plenty of support. But you can't force him. Hopefully when you get home he might start his plan, with encouragement. Maybe try and go out with him in the evenings to something so he can't hide in the man cave drinking?

I wish him well but you can't make a drinker turn into a non drinker. It's all down to them.

What kind of a job does he have? Are you worried it may be impacting on that?

He shouldn’t be driving the following morning, ever

Sweetheart - you're not in a relationship with this man. His primary relationship is with alcohol. You cannot do anything at all to change that. You cannot make him want to change.

you can however spend some time soul searching and asking what is making you stay in this relationship?

I recommend that you follow 'Annie the Safe Parent' on instagram - lots of insight there.

you and your daughter deserve so much better.!

I disagree. My ex had normal liver function tests. Full liver panel and ultrasound. Was dead less than 18 months later of liver failure due to alcoholism. Your liver keeps on going - until it doesn't.

I did manage to get him to the GP for the middle-aged man check, he had a stack of blood tests (apparently his liver function is normal) and they gave him a leaflet about stopping drinking. He is supposed to be on an 8 week plan to reduce his alcohol intake. It doesn’t appear to be working.

How long ago were the tests and did you actually see the results with your own eyes or did he tell you all was normal?

and the 8 week plan… was this him saying he was going to do this 8 week plan?

I'm so sorry. I thought the bloods show up liver disease even at the fairly early stages? That is really shocking. Thank you for letting me know as I didn't think/know that it could happen so suddenly. X

OP, have you spoken with him since you last posted?

Did you ever see his supposedly clear test results for yourself?

The problem with ‘functioning alcoholics’ is that they don’t function forever. My ex was a functioning alcoholic three years ago, he certainly isn’t now. He has lost everything. Sometimes an external crisis will provoke the slide to rock bottom, sometimes it just happens by itself as the addiction progresses - addiction changes the brain and he will eventually need more and more alcohol to get the ‘hit’/ maintain the functioning. Only you can decide whether you want to continue living this way. Seek out support. I preferred SMART recovery friends and family online to Al Anon.

Sounds expensive!

Knowing what you know OP and with your concerns, I wouldn’t be allowing him to have prolonged alone time with my daughter. Not because I think anything sinister necessarily, but because utterly reckless to leave a young teen in the sole care of someone you know has a serious drink problem.

If I went on a 9 mile hike on holiday I would probably also reach for a beer afterwards to be honest. But 24 in 2 days!?, GP advising him to cut down etc is very definitively problem drinking.

I echo the PPs who say he may well be lying about the blood results or minimizing, but also may have healthy blood results and still have liver damage. Did you see the Adrian Chiles documentary when this also happened to him - blood tests fine, liver scan not so much. Also my ex told me his liver function blood tests were “normal” (may have been a lie of course), within 18 months he was told he had decompensated liver cirrhosis. So please don’t place false comfort on these results.

You’ve had great advice on this thread.