EXDH and support

[OversteppingEx]

My EXDH is a functioning alcoholic. We separated 10 years ago and have 2 DSs aged 18 and 16.

Following our split he declined pretty quickly, which I didn't attribute too much to alcohol but looking back it's been at the root of most issues for at least the last 20 years.

When my youngest was 11 he stopped going to stay with his DF. This was due to witnessing my EXDHs girlfriend trying to commit suicide, his DFs drinking and anger, and the general chaos of the house. My oldest continued to have contact, mainly as he was a little older and seemed more oblivious to what was going on. It was a really difficult time.

So now we are here. My 18 YO has started to open up more about his DFs alcohol use. His DF has confided in him that he has stage 2 liver disease and high blood pressure. Said hes now moved away from wine and is now drinking vodka as he says its reducing his intake. I see this as an escalation.

He has also started to withdraw socially. Previous to this he would occasionally watch DS play his sport and meet once a week with friends. He has stopped doing this now.

I also saw him a month or so ago. Despite him being in his garden I thought it was a stranger. Hes extremely bloated - possibly weighing 3 stone more than I he was when I saw him 6 months previous.

I've spoken to my DS this afternoon and we have discussed this at length. I expressed my concern for his DF and also for him and his brother. My DS has asked him numerous times to stop drinking. My EX tells him he has a grip on it.

DS has said he is going over to speak with his DF this week. Armed with information on how he can get support. He said he's going to be assertive and speak to him as an adult male rather than the father/child relationship. Hes going to tell him explicitly just how concerned he is for him and his siblings (there is another child who is 7). He feels that he needs to try this because if he doesn't he will regret it.

EXDH has a DSIS that lives abroad, no parents and his DP has more of an issue with alcohol than he does (according to DS).

Due to the issues with my youngest and other things my EX cannot bear to engage so there is nothing I can do to support him, despite wanting to.

Whilst he was an awful DH and has been a pretty awful DF, how can I support my DSs through this?

There’s an organisation called Alateen and also Al Anon that are sister organisations to AA. They are to support the children, friends and families of alcoholics so I’d recommend finding out if there’s a local group or finding an online group that you could both join.

I’d do some reading around alcoholism and recovery / consequences so that you can help manage DSs expectations.

Basically, help him understand that he can’t actually do anything and that this can only and has to come from his dad. It’s unlikely he will change; and that there is NOTHING that anyone can do to help him
untiL he wants help.

The behaviour and physical symptoms you’ve described suggest he’s declining significantly and soon won’t be a functioning alcoholic; he’ll just be an alcoholic, with the disease progressing faster and faster.

People in Alateen and Al Anon will have trod this path before you so they are very well placed to help you both.

The weight is probably due to ascites (fluid buildup) from liver disease. He is probably very ill and tbh, needs medical treatment to have it drained. I wouldn’t push the kids on him. If he is that far gone, I very much doubt he is at all functioning.

Thank you @FusionChefGeoffand @FrancesteinI say functioning because he is holding down a job and these new developments mean I need to understand things more, including the terminology. Thank you.

I'll certainly check out Alateen and Al Anon as that's exactly what I think they need - support.

For my DSs having him as a father has been difficult on so many levels. I couldn't help but feel that as they turned into adults they would be free of the issues that he's caused them over the years. Now it seems like we're entering into a different and possibly more difficult phase.

I'll take a read up on ascites too. This is just so sad.

I just feel a mixture of protectiveness for my DSs, sadness for them and their DF, guilt for ending the marriage (because I kept him from slipping most of the time) and anger that my DSs are from a family where most men are alcoholics or at least have an unhealthy reliance on alcohol. I don't want this to continue for them.