At A Loss How To Deal With alcoholic mum

[Majiek]

My mum is my only parent so of course we are close... she has been an alcoholic now for 15 years... never stayed sober for more than 8-months..

I don't know what to do... I love my mum but she keeps promising to stop drinking and every time I come over she lets me down and I get mad with myself for believing it 😢😢

she's also recently got a gambling addiction which means she's gambling all her money away then expecting me to constantly bail her out... how is that right/fair? Why would you put that stress on your kid? I've got my own life to live.. I struggle with depression and anxiety, I am trying to lose weight so can't handle stress

my mum drinks Vodka and it basically turns her really nasty, vile into a completely different person... if I'm staying at her house when she's drinking she's come in the bedroom shouting at me to get out etc despite the fact I'm the only one who has stuck by her and tried to help get her sober.. she's even got me arrested last year for trying to stop her from drinking more litres of vodka... I'm literally at my wits end on what to do!? 😢😢😢 my nan and her mum died in January. And yes that can lead people to alcohol etc but my mum has been on it long before that 15 years... so I'm not accepting that

I was having phone calls with a family charity dealing with family members who are alcoholics..... and they basically said for 90% of their clients tough love is the only way... and they said I need to try that approach with my mum because clearly the softy softy approach of forgiving her after a week or 2 isn't working... so would anyone else recommend tough love and trying to block her out my life? Even if that means she ends up dead etc? What more can I do!? I'm not helping her by giving her money etc I'm enabling her behaviour... and stopping her from facing the consequences of her actions..

any advice would be welcome? Like I said I'm at my wits end and need some advice... because I've had enough 😞😢😢

thinks

Oh she also calls me controlling when I try to stop her from losing all her money and trying to stop her from drinking herself to death 😞😢

I have some experience of this . You have to accept that you can’t change your mum, and it’s not your responsibility. That was the hard thing for me. If you can do that and keep being in her life then that’s a possibility. If you can’t then you need to reduce the contact you have with her to prevent you being badly affected too . I don’t think you should bail her out financially as that’s enabling her to continue with her drinking
sorry you are going through this. It’s a terrible thing to watch a family member self destruct

I’m abusive and spiteful apparently. (Name changed)

dm is a whisky drinker, and elderly, dad died last year, she won’t admit her falls are due to excess alcohol consumption. I buy her 1 large bottle of whiskey a week. After a series of particularly bad falls I removed all the rest of the alcohol from the house (they were both heavy drinkers there was a lot.) the last occasion she had finished her whiskey bottle and drunk half a bottle of Cointreau in one go. I think she probably blacked out for a while too as the alarm call (a whole other story) didn’t come until quite late that night and she usually is in bed by 7.30.

you can not change who she is, she is able to buy the vodka independently (I’m fortunate, if that’s the right word, in that she relies on me to get it) you can not control the gambling.

you can control how much you enable it. You don’t say how old you are, do you still live there? If so and you have the means it’s worth getting your own place.

You do not have to give her money,
you do not have to buy the vodka

if she comes to you broke because she’s drank/gambled it away. You have no obligation to help at all, but you could buy a basic, alcohol free, care package with milk, tea and a few days worth of food. So making sure she doesn’t starve.

If she tells you to get out, if you have somewhere to go, go. She has legal capacity to do this to herself, Don’t tie yourself in knots trying to change her, you won’t and as you know you can’t trust what an alcoholic says.

Do look after yourself, I will (selfishly, probably) prioritise the gym and dog walks rather than popping in to visit as I do not want to put my dc in the position I am now, I intend to stay active and mobile for as long as possible, although I probably do need to spend more time on the alcohol free boards.

My mother was an alcoholic off and on throughout my life. Totally destroyed my childhood and early teenage years. She was sober for times but had a major relapse when my sister died a few years ago and ultimately it killed her. Alcohol made my mother abusive and unpleasant - as it does yours. She used to ask me for money/help and call me awful things. I was her next of kin so would receive calls from medical professionals to say she was in a detox programme and then that she'd left that same day, over and over again. It was exhausting. When she died I had no feelings about it at all. I resent her for not trying to get well for her grandchildren who she barely knew and barely remember her because I wouldn't let her be around them when she was drinking. It's hard to come to terms with but your Mum won't change. It's not your responsibility to try and get her to. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just walk away. You need to look after yourself too. Alcoholism is an awful disease and I know a lot of people say it isn't a choice but in my opinion they choose every day not to make the effort to change and that is what is so hard to watch and deal with. I remember being 13 years old and begging my Mum to stop drinking and she wouldn't and it was heartbreaking. Feeling as though you're not a good enough reason to stop. Or my children weren't a good enough reason to stop. I've made my peace with it now Mum's gone but it's very hard. Sending love and strength.

First, sympathy. I've been there. It sucks.

This jumped out at me: they said I need to try that approach with my mum because clearly the softy softy approach of forgiving her after a week or 2 isn't working

When you say it isn't working, what do you mean? Working to stop her drinking, or working to give you more peace?

This is the key thing, really. Sadly, you're not going to be able to stop her. Only she can do that. If you haven't come to terms with that yet, it's difficult. Unfortunately, we're powerless to stop them.

What you need is to focus on how you can protect yourself from hurt and stress. What boundaries you can put in place, to give yourself space to focus on you – your life, your health, your plans. Because I bet it's been all about her for a long time.

I'm sorry you're struggling with depression. But it sounds like there's a bit of you really striving for a better, happier life. You're already thinking about how you can make your life better and that's a great thing.

I have experience with this, my elderly mum is an alcoholic and spent my whole life that way (as long as I can remember and I’m 38). By some miracle she finally found sobriety almost 3 years ago at the grand old age of 74, but it was her choice and nothing I did or didn’t do had any control over that. I think she knew though that if she didn’t stop I was completely done and I had said my goodbyes and was ready to go no contact.

you need to understand and remember that you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it. You need to focus on your own wellbeing and if being around your mum is causing you pain then you need to detach yourself with love. So in my mind that means you can still love your mum but you no longer do things or interact with her in ways that will hurt you, so if that means not seeing her then so be it.

also need to stop enabling her by bailing her out with money. If you block her out of your life and she ends up dead that is NOT YOUR FAULT. let go of the guilt you carry and understand that your mum is in control of her destiny and you are fully in control of your own and make choices that prioritise yourself. I highly recommend looking for an al anon support group in your area.

As an alike, I would say, you protect yourself

There's very few services for alikes and few still for families - t=you will be on waiting lists for years

however, AA is there for you Al anon is there for you

You are never ever going to get her to stop. so stop trying, and get on board with the family programmes, how you can survive this

As an Alkie, I went through a medical detox I did 12 years sober , Im drinking now

Way too much but it is what it is - the same view my GP has - as long as my vitals are stable

Stop expecting your mother to do as she says - never going to happen unless she can make the changes she need to make for her life to improve

I know that it is shit from where you are stood, I really do. But Im so sorry unless you are going to be with mum 24/7 drag her into therapy, and yourself , be prepared to be there to say enough, pour bottles away and become her jailer - she has to find her own rock bottom and ask for the help

I have been there with my mum so I know how tough it is but nothing you do will change her, only she can do that, you either need to accept her the way she is or step back and cut down your contact with her and stop giving her money

Thanks for your replies. I’m currently staying at my mums trying to help her get sober from Vodka drinking 4 or 5 litres in a few days. She rang ambulance first time a few days ago, when ambulance came she was abusive and nasty towards them and me the B word and C word etc calling me controlling (even though I just care and trying to help her because I love her and don’t want her drinking herself to death) the paramedics said when they leaved because she refused to go hospital, they asked if she’s always this violent and abusive when she’s drunk to me? I said only when she’s drunk when she’s sober she’s best mum in the World…. They said I shouldn’t have to put up with the violence and abuse my mum gives me when she’s drunk, that I seem a nice person who’s just trying to help…
so eventually she went into hospital a few days later, she came out a few days ago, a day later she’s back drinking Vodka, and the abuse has started towards me again all because I’m trying to help her and stop her from drinking by wanting her to measure it out etc… 7am this morning she’s coming in the spare bedroom calling me the C and B words again telling me to wake up she needs money from me to go shop to get Tobacco and Vodka….
I’m at my wits end I’m having heart pains I’ve had this 15 years it’s really affected my life during that time… how can someone be that selfish, horrible and nasty to their child when most children would have probably disowned them by now due to their drinking and abuse?!
I can’t take this anymore. I’ve got my own issues (I’ve got Asperger’s) and I need to go home for my own sanity and mental health to get peace otherwise I’ll end up having a Heart Attack if I stay here…but also I’m worried if I go home she might end up drinking herself to death with Vodka… what do I do?! I have no dad in my life only my mum that’s why I’m trying my hardest to stop her drinking because I don’t want her dying… 😢😢
is Tough Love the only way and only thing left to try after trying the softy soft approach for the past 15 years with her forgiving her and unblocking her after a week etc hoping she realises something click and she changes? Do I need to go home and block her out my life because it seems the only option I have left and also to protect myself and let her face the full consequences for her actions so I am not an enabler giving her money etc for drink to stop her verbally and mentally abusing me? Because the financial, mental and verbal abuse is too much for me, I’m not getting any younger and 15 years of my life having this seems so selfish and unfair 😔😢😢
Vodka changes her completely, makes her so angry, nasty etc she’s going in hospital so much recently due to alcohol…
I often wonder if maybe Prison is the best way? Let her go to the shop, steal vodka, get arrested to face the consequences of her actions instead of me giving her money and enabling her behavior to stop her mentally and verbally abusing me so I’m here to check up on her so she doesn’t die? That way atleast if she goes prison she will get sober.. because right now it seems like she’s just gonna drink herself to death.. I feel so powerless and helpless on what to do… like I said 15 years of this… I’ve been on dates and had her ringing me drunk (so it’s ruined potential Relationships because I’m Worry etc), needing money for hotels because her Ex kicked her out, or police ringing me because the guy she’s currently with they drink and fight etc so she needs money for hotels… her behavior has been so selfish and toxic… like I said what other sons would have put up with this for 15 years!?
What do I do? I’m so stressed, my heart is racing and I’m at my wits end.. are there meetings I can attend for help and advice on how to deal with this? 😞😢😢😢😢
It seems like to me she Enjoys the attention she gets when she’s drinking? She’s always ringing people, playing loud music etc.. and that when she doesn’t get the attention she goes sleep etc… so I don’t know if there is like an attention deficit disorder she has? Everyone worrying about her etc she likes being the centre of attention people talking about…
She’s even phoned the police on me a few times before because of because I’ve took her keys off her to stop her driving to get more drink.. I got arrested last year because she told the police I was hitting her when in reality I was trying to stop her getting the car keys from me because I was trying again to protect her and not face the consequences for her actions I didn’t want her getting arrested for drink driving or hitting another car or person etc.. so I was in a cell for 7 hours… other times the police have took me to my Nan’s etc when she’s phoned them saying I’m trying to control her etc
Like I said once she’s had Vodka she’s the most nasty, angry, horrible vile person going.. but when she’s sober she’s the best most kindest giving mum in the World… 😢😢😢😢
Am I doing the wrong thing and enabling her behavior by caring too much!? 😞😢😢

You need to stop focusing on her and start focusing on you. You can’t fix this. She won’t change unless SHE decides to.
Only see her when she’s sober. (If at all.)
Screen calls and limit contact to protect yourself.
Seek support for you. Al anon or other.
Her most important relationship for her is with alcohol. You won’t change that.

Oh love. No matter how hard you try and how much you love her, you can’t save her. Only she can do that, and that would need insight from her about her behaviour, and the motivation to change, and it doesn’t sound as though she has that. Realistically she may never have.
You need to secure your own oxygen mask before trying to help others.
EMDR (if you have the funds) is amazing - it has really helped me to deal with a lot of trauma associated with a difficult parent. I don’t feel guilty now, and for me that’s been life changing x

‘Softly, softly’ does not work. You have to step back. She will either drink herself to death (as my mother did) or wise up of her own volition. You can’t influence them. They are very stubborn and selfish.

You can’t fix her. Only she can do that. Even if she decided to quit then she needs professional help. You’re not an addiction worker, you don’t have the skills and knowledge needed to help a person who wants to do the work to change. Even if you were an addiction worker you could not help your Mum because she is your Mum so it wouldn’t work.

You need to focus on yourself so if she gets sober then you’re in a good place to be a supportive daughter. Until then I think you need to listen to the professional advice.

You have to stop beating yourself up about her. She will not listen to you, she is only interested in where her next bottle is coming from. You are not helping her by giving her money, she will not thank you for it, she is only interested in you as a supplier, be it money or booze.
You have to step back from her; if someone else was happy to report you to the police, and get you arrested for something you haven't done, would you remain on speaking terms with them?