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Alcohol support

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Elderly parent - at a loss what to do

13 replies

Hannah1972 · 13/08/2025 20:08

I’m completely at a loss what to do about my 77 year old mum. She is an alcoholic and has just been taken down to hospital after falling out of bed drunk again. This will be the third time she has been in hospital in less than 12 months because of drink related accidents although there has been many incidents that did not require medical intervention. She is drinking most days. She sits in the kitchen drinking whiskey from about 2pm until she goes to bed about 8 unless she goes to get more. My brother lives with her but works so cannot be there 24 7. He’s in an awful situation. Never knowing what state she will be in when he gets home, often bearing the brunt of her acid tongue or her sobbing misery. It’s breaking him. We and my sister are at a loss what to do. She did ask the gp for help a couple of years ago but he told her to join AA. She laughed at him. We do have LPAs for finance and heath so it’s time to evoke them. I’m going to call the GP and social services tomorrow for advice. She’s a danger to herself and probably needs to be somewhere where she will be safe. I can’t imagine she will ever agree to that. The ambulance man mentioned dementia.

Her friends know she drinks. She acts like the queen though. Goes round like she owns the place splashing cash that she doesn’t have. i could go on forever about her at this point but i will spare you.

Sorry about the long post. I just wondered if anyone else was in a similar situation.

OP posts:
MickGeorge22 · 13/08/2025 20:11

I work for a charity for older people and we have a project within our charity that is specifically to support older people with alcohol dependency. Would she engage with something like that if there was one in her area?

Messycoo · 13/08/2025 22:27

Ask the doctor at the hospital if they can do a detoxification, so as they can assess her health, ie dementia and go from there. I believe it is the safest way, while she is in hospital.

nekoatsume · 13/08/2025 22:36

I have nothing to offer but sympathy. By this stage of life facing up to their demons is near impossible.

My mother did stop occasionally, but not really, and ended up with a kind of frontal lobe damage like dementia. All we could do was damage limitation.

Do you have anything like Al-Anon near you? I think looking after yourself is almost the priority.

rickyrickygrimes · 13/08/2025 22:49

Who owns the house?
Why does your brother live with her? Would he move out?

When she’s not drinking does she have capacity? Had she been diagnosed with anything? I can’t imagine they will do any assessment for dementia until she is sober, and that requires a level of intervention that presumably she would have to agree to 🤷‍♀️

Hannah1972 · 14/08/2025 08:28

MickGeorge22 · 13/08/2025 20:11

I work for a charity for older people and we have a project within our charity that is specifically to support older people with alcohol dependency. Would she engage with something like that if there was one in her area?

I think she will. I’ve been looking online to see what there is in the area but struggling to find anything. I will ask her GP today.

OP posts:
Hannah1972 · 14/08/2025 08:31

Messycoo · 13/08/2025 22:27

Ask the doctor at the hospital if they can do a detoxification, so as they can assess her health, ie dementia and go from there. I believe it is the safest way, while she is in hospital.

Unfortunately they let her come home last night so she has probably just brushed it under the carpet. I will speak to her later. Last time she was in hospital she had broken her shoulder after falling out of bed and she treated it like a bloody holiday. By the time I got to see her she knew everything about everyone and couldn’t wait to tell me. I was furious.

OP posts:
Hannah1972 · 14/08/2025 08:33

nekoatsume · 13/08/2025 22:36

I have nothing to offer but sympathy. By this stage of life facing up to their demons is near impossible.

My mother did stop occasionally, but not really, and ended up with a kind of frontal lobe damage like dementia. All we could do was damage limitation.

Do you have anything like Al-Anon near you? I think looking after yourself is almost the priority.

We do. It does look interesting but the thought of sitting with other people and talking about things really stresses me out. I need something though. I hate how this has defined mine and my siblings lives and our relationship with each other. It’s all we talk about.

OP posts:
Hannah1972 · 14/08/2025 08:36

She owns the house. My brother moved in about 8 years ago when my dad died. He’s too scared to leave her in case she falls down the stairs and kills herself. She has had some falls down the stairs. He also has his own issues including alcohol and depression which would take a long time for me to go into. They have a pretty toxic relationship tbh. We keep telling him to move out and telling her to make him move out.

OP posts:
Hannah1972 · 14/08/2025 08:38

Thanks for all your messages. I really appreciate it.

i saw her last weekend and she is definitely getting more confused and stressed about things. She had always been flaky tbf but this was more noticeable than usual. A conversation for the doctor.

OP posts:
Mehmeh22 · 14/08/2025 08:43

Having been through this, im sorry you are going through it now. Shes unlikely to do anything herself and the support you need will be shockingly minimal.

Getting a dementia diagnosis is a potential. Sounds like she needs adult social care involved as she lacks capacity. Thats the only way things will progress imo

Problem is they will palm off support onto the brother staying there if they can. Id potentially use that as a reason for him to leave

caramac04 · 14/08/2025 08:45

This sounds a nightmare OP. Elderly relatives can be a real strain but the alcohol dependency adds a whole other level of difficulty especially if she’s verbally nasty as well.
I don’t know what the answer is but agree with pp that a detox could help so that her capacity/capabilities can be properly assessed.
Would she consider going into care given that she quite liked her hospital stay? Maybe respite care? I don’t even know if a home would take her if she’s drinking that much but it might be worth looking at because the current situation is untenable in the long term.
I hope the GP can at least signpost services.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 14/08/2025 08:59

Your brother needs to move out.
You can request a care needs assessment and try to get her to agree to having carers visiting and Telecare etc installed before he does.
You cannot just start to use the POA until she’s assessed as not having mental capacity to make specific decisions related to those (assume you have both) or she gives consent for the finance one to be instigated.
You’re unlikely to be able to get definite, formal diagnosis of dementia without a period of abstinence from the alcohol.
TBH it sounds like you’re going to have to wait for something even more serious to happen so that she is unable to return home. What an upsetting situation for you and your brother x

rickyrickygrimes · 14/08/2025 13:42

Hannah1972 · 14/08/2025 08:36

She owns the house. My brother moved in about 8 years ago when my dad died. He’s too scared to leave her in case she falls down the stairs and kills herself. She has had some falls down the stairs. He also has his own issues including alcohol and depression which would take a long time for me to go into. They have a pretty toxic relationship tbh. We keep telling him to move out and telling her to make him move out.

So having your brother there is probably as much hindrance as help?

So it’s you and your sister trying to sort this sorry situation out.

have you ever walked away from her and left her to it? does she show any signs of wanting to stop drinking?

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