Drinking After Moving Into Dads House After He Died

[NotOvertheWorstofit]

The title says it all really. Dad died last December and Mum was moved in to a care home with late stage dementia. I also had my first baby, all in the same year.

I was very close with my parents and was living with them for a period before I became pregnant. Myself, my partner & toddler have moved in to Mum and Dads house as the rent will contribute towards Mums care fees and also protect a little of our inheritance (three other siblings).

Well since we moved in, none of my family come to visit me as they find being in the house too difficult with all the reminders of our parents so I’m literally on my own here 24/7 as my partner works ridiculous hours.

I’ve never felt so emotionally messed up in my life. I miss my Mum and Dad so much and living here is so tough. Once I put my toddler to bed I don’t know where to put myself as I hate being in the living room, constantly picturing the paramedics performing CPR on Dad on the LR floor. This leads me to sit in the kitchen and drink to numb the horrendous emotional pain. I don’t want to drink but it’s the only thing that helps. Sertraline isn’t cutting it.

I feel trapped as I know the only way to protect our inheritance is to rent the house but I hate being here of a night on my own. I really want to move out but also feel devastated at the thought of giving up our childhood home. I’m desperate to not use alcohol as a crutch of a night but I can’t see an alternative at the moment. Don’t know what to do 😔. Just putting it out there in the hope I can regain some clarity as I’m so lost.

Does it have to be family who rent it? You could rent to someone else and you rent a different house.

You're trying to protect something that isn't yours and your mum may well need for care home fees, and in doing so are causing yourself so much harm. It's so so hard, but you need to sell the house and start again. It's not fair for you (and increasingly directly your child and relationship) to suffer like this for the sake of a potential shared pay out down the line. Best of luck x

Someone will be along with some great advice in a minute, but I just wanted to give you an unmumsnetty big hug. There's no point in 'protecting your inheritance' if you are drinking yourself into oblivion and trashing your health. Your situation is too much - and would be too much for many people.You need to do what is right for you and your new family.

If you’ve only been drinking heavily for a few months don’t worry about it - takes years to do any proper damage. Use it to get through for now, why not? Life is shit atm. You won’t need the booze forever

This sounds awful and I know some of what it is like. After my last parent died and I had to spend time in the house clearing it, each session completely destabilised me. It was far too painful and raw. Lord only knows what it would be like to have lived there.

You do need to look after yourself. You are grieving both a lost parent and a parent who is here but not the same any more. Do you have a power of attorney for the house? Selling it to pay for your mother’s fees or renting it to someone else are good solutions. Your siblings should not expect you to traumatise yourself on a daily basis for this but may well not really know what it feels like.

Oh and from a psychological perspective, your childhood home, brutally, no longer exists because you can never go back to it as it was. I’m sorry but that is part of the grieving process too. I am sure the poster above means well but drinking through it is a bad idea. Many a drink problem, mine included, forms out of events like this. You sound wise enough to realise it and understand that it can’t continue.

Oh love. It's awful isn't it. The destabilisation of having a young child and realising you are totally alone and you can't talk to the people you really want and the only person has lost their mind. When really you just want them back, the way they were. And actually there is no one but you to rely on. God it's enough to drive you to the drink. (I'm not being facetious, I have been there, also sat drinking in the kitchen with a 80 yr old table that was my mums ) But also, you don't have to be there, and if you do then redecorate the house. In time the repeated visions of their last moments fade. You remember them not the illness. It hurts. God so much. But you get being able to function back again. And the physical pain in your heart gets better. Sending so much strength from one orphan to another. It's not fair and awful. But try to put yourself first. Please.

I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I know only too well the pain of living with a parent with dementia and the psychological trauma that comes with dealing with the house and belongings, but that wasn’t coupled with bereavement and a baby in the same year.

It sent my drinking off a cliff, so when I’d sold the house and got the practical issues sorted, I was just left with a drink problem (which was in some ways harder to sort).

This is one of the impossible situations where you need to “choose your hard”. Yes, it will be hard to sell your family home, but the alternative is making you so unhappy, and risking your health. You need to put your own family first now.

Are you getting any talking support as well as the ADs? You are going through some pretty complex trauma at the moment.

You might also want to check out the Cockroach Cafe threads on the Elderly Parents board on here (if you haven’t already), which I always found hugely helpful

I’m sorry it’s taken a while for me to get back but I’d just like to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for replying to me. I seem to have small windows where I can open up and realise how I’m feeling (usually after toddler has gone to bed) but I’m scared to feel anything while he’s up and about.

Your replies have really helped me to feel less alone and to realise that my situation isn’t particularly easy - even though most people are expecting me to be my happy, normal self.

I was very emotional reading some of your replies and it made me also feel very comforted, knowing that there are some lovely people out there to offer support when it’s needed.

My three siblings are much older than me (20 yr age gap with older brother) so I guess they don’t realise that my grief will be different to what they’re experiencing. And they don’t seem to understand how utterly awful it is in this house of an evening when it’s quiet and it’s still full of Mum and Dads things. I can’t bring myself to visit Mum in the care home as it floors me for the rest of the day and I have a baby to look after. I don’t think they get that either as their kids are all grown up.

Thank you so much for this. It’s just so comforting to feel seen and heard and to realise I’m not on my own in this (very tough) transition.

Im so sorry you had to experience the slow decline with your Mum. It’s so bloody hard and no one understands unless they’ve been through it themselves.

I haven’t spoken to anyone yet but I’m definitely going to book an appointment for counselling as I don’t know what I feel anymore. Just getting through the day is an achievement at the moment.

”Choose your hard” is what I need to do and is solid advice. I’ve not looked at it that way before but I guess there’s not easy way out of this situation.

I’ll definitely look at the thread you suggested and again, thank you so much for taking the time to offer your advice and support. It’s really helped.

Your response has me in FLOODS of tears and yes, it’s so very ‘destabilising’ not having anyone to turn to for parenting advice or just to be there for you. It sounds so cliche but my Mum was my confidante and I miss her so very much - even though she’s here in the physical sense. I can’t bring myself to go and see her as I always feel traumatised after 😓 and I’ve not been to Dads grave either as i don’t want to open the flood gates.

Thank you so much for that; I was so worried that all I’ll remember is Mum, losing her dignity and suffering and also seeing Dad the way he was the last time.

Your post has made a difference in how I feel and I’m so very grateful for that. You seem to have been though the same thing so I’m sending so much strength back to you.

I will endeavour to find a way to prioritise myself and try to find some optimism for my future.

Thank you.

I’m so sorry you’ve lost your parents. Nothing can prepare you and it’s such a lonely time. Thank you for taking the time to answer me.

Yes, I don’t think they understand how it feels. We had a gathering at the house with guitars and drinks (Dad was a guitarist) before my brother headed back to Australia last month, and they were all struggling just being in the house for a few hours. So I guess they don’t fully understand how hard it is to live here seeing as they’ve not been back since or offered any support/help to go through Mum and Dads things.

Have have POA for the house and also health. I do feel that I’ll be letting my siblings down if I move out though.

My siblings are all very secure financially and have successful careers with adult kids. I’m very far behind due to the age gap and have recently had to take voluntary redundancy due to the pressures of grief and parenting. I miss my Mum and Dad and also miss my job and amazing colleagues. I just need to find that first step on the ladder then follow the way up I guess.

Thank you. I know I need to fight through the emotional fog and see the facts. My siblings worry that if the house isn’t rented out, then the care fees would be so much more in the end. I pay £800 a month to live here so it’s a fair chunk off the bill. But as you said - it’s not worth my health.

Your message had me in tears (that needed to fall) so I thank you so very much for your kind words. I’ve felt so alone and lost - hence the post. Just hearing it’s not all in my head and that my situation is tough has been so affirming. Thank you. And an “unmumsnetty” big hug back to you.

I have siblings too and it all fell to me for similar reasons so I know what it is like to carry the load!

You are not letting them down but it does sound like a solution will yours to make as well, which is also just another burden tbh.

I don’t mean to bog you in details but practically one thing to think about is outlook for your mother and whether income is more important long term. Either way the house needs clearing so it might just be easier to bite the bullet now in terms of disposing of it. But there are lots of companies who can help with that as well and you should take what help you can get.

This does all get better I promise but much like @Onewildandpreciouslife and to go back to the original reason for posting, it took me quite some time to solve (hah, never really solved but certainly in abeyance for now) the drinking problem and in hindsight the lows I hit would probably have happened anyway (because it is just so tough) but it wouldn’t have been so deep and difficult without the wine.

You deserve a home, with your new baby, that is your haven, respite and source of happiness. Not a source of grief.