Something that no one understands unless they have loved an alcoholic

[BlueSeagull]

What’s something that others will struggle to understand unless they have lived through loving and trying to support an alcoholic.

for me it’s the planning of when we are going anywhere I have to have elderly parent with me day before so I know they won’t be too drunk on the day when I pick them up or the bottle of wine I always have in case there is an incident fall etc and they need collecting from hospital. Wine is needed to stop the withdrawal the next day I never encourage them to drink but realistically the shakes and vomiting worry me

The lies and blame, that my dad insists on telling everyone about me. It's all my fault. I hate what everyone must think of me, as most people seem to believe him.
And 'loved' rather than 'love' is definitely true in my case. I feel nothing but loathing now, but still have to deal with it on a weekly/daily basis. And also the constant dread that the next fall or hospital admission due to the alcohol is only just round the corner. Then every type of offer of help is refused.

That no amount of begging, pleading or going low or no contact helps. Seeing your raw emotion almost makes them drink more so they can blur the conversation and emotions they feel out. Alcoholism takes a strong hold. I'm sorry you've been through it too.

I stopped phoning my mother after I rang from work one day when I was about 24 and she was absolutely pissed and slurring in the afternoon. That was my confirmation of what I had long suspected - that she was an alcoholic who sometimes went on binges. I didn't phone her again after that until she had been sober for decades and even then she would often relapse at Christmas (she loathed Christmas). She always phoned me, I just wouldn't do it again.

I never trusted her, I never properly loved or admired her or wanted to be around her after that day in 1986. I had a pretty hard attitude towards it all and felt so lucky I was independent and living away from home by then. I was embarrassed by her at family gatherings (I dreaded my wedding) I never forgave her for it. It's a shame because she lived almost another 40 years after that but our relationship was irrepairably damaged. I think I wanted to forgive her but something in me just could not.

Trying to plan days out so they won’t drink as much to at least spend time with their grandchildren.
Knowing if they’d be drinking from just a few words on the phone.
Waiting knowing there’ll be a call to say they’d fallen (again) or had called an ambulance.
Having that fear about drinking as it killed both parents.
Thoughts to all who unfortunately know too well how it feels.

Thank you so much for this!
I have lost count of the number of times I've felt like this reading MN posts.
So many people just have no idea!
You have described it so well, as have others on this (desperately sad but totally accurate) thread.
Thanks to all contributors.

I really relate to this: saving all the worst bits of themselves for you and the best for everyone else. My ex could be so kind to a stranger on the street, and at the same time bitter and resentful and cruel to me. If I stepped away and he feared losing me, he’d apologise and explain that he was angry and frustrated at himself and addiction. But that didn’t stop me being on the receiving end, and it didn’t stop there being a next time. When I didn’t accept the apology or sympathise with him that yes his life was so hard and mine is so much better? Immediate mood switch back.

I hate the life on eggshells and the fear of relapse, feeling the responsibility to try and prevent it. Of course I knew I couldn’t. But I couldn’t stop myself. My ex is four months into relapse (which followed relapse after a fourth stay in rehab in 18 months ish) and I could take no more.

As a partner, feeling on edge at events that involve drinking because you're looking for the early signs that they have drunk too much and will carry on, as if their behaviour is your fault. It isn't, but it's a constant struggle to detach yourself from it.

That you have to take being shouted at in order not to escalate a situation and have the patience to wait until morning after kids have gone out to even mention it

Constant hypervigilance.
Withdrawal seizures if they don't drink to their schedule, and falls if they do.
Not being able to have people round.
Trying to dispose of all the empties.

the shame of going to the bottle bank again and again with my mum. Trying to post the bottles in and smelling the wine dregs dripping down my wrists, because I was too short to reach the holes in the bin

Watching your father pour a bottle of wine into an empty lemonade bottle over the kitchen sink and then put it in his briefcase before work, then watching him open another bottle of wine, drink it all directly from the bottle, as you quietly say "you're going to be sick dad" and then watching him vomit it all back up into the sink. All before 8am.

Grew up with an alcoholic parent - what I don’t think anyone else understands and what I certainly wasn’t expecting was how incredibly triggered I was once I had my own DD.

How hypersensitive to it I’ve become - again since DD was born. I can tell when DH has had even half a lager, and the sheer hatred and rage it brings up if he’s even tipsy around DD. To be clear, DH has never been anything other than pleasant when drinking, maybe a bit boring as he’ll start waffling on about his pet subjects, maybe just a bit silly or harder to talk to. But I hate hate hate it, it makes me dislike him so much and it’s just impossible for him to understand because in his mind - he’s just an adult having a very normal amount of alcohol in his own home and doing literally nothing wrong. Which is true - it’s so unreasonable of me and I know it’s my issue, I just despise it around DD.

If we’re out/ away from DD I don’t have the same reaction at all. Doesn’t take a psychiatrist to work out what’s going on, but doesn’t make it feel any less real.

As a child - that sinking feeling coming home from school or whatever and being able to tell just from a glance at his face he’d been drinking. The constant fear and unpredictability of it all. The feeling like you can try and keep things ‘happy drunk’ and are somehow responsible for not letting it tip over into the anger and violence. The not understanding why you weren’t important enough to stop or even try. Everyone else remembering them as a ‘great character’, ‘so much fun’ etc.

My DSis eventually divorced her alcohol husband. It was a total shock to her that everyone knew he was an alcoholic and couldn’t understand why she kept giving him another chance.

Unfortunately. They have a daughter together, well not unfortunately because she is a beautiful clever, successful young woman, but because she is her DF’s only relative so she now has to deal with him. She is brilliant at it though. She won’t answer a phone call or text from him after midday. She knows when he starts drinking and refuses to engage if he is drunk. She has established boundaries and feels no remorse after watching him destroy her family.

She has been away at uni until this year but after spending the summer at home has now moved away for work, permanently. I think growing up with an alcoholic father has been tough but she has developed a thick skin and knows exactly how to respond. She shouldn’t have to but her DF is not going to change and she has accepted that. She still loves him and spends time with him but has strict rules of engagement.

My DSis protects her as much as she can without being drawn back into a relationship with him. After years of feeling guilty she has moved on, remarried and no longer involved.

He does not enjoy the best of health and has probably shortened his life expectancy but he has had the opportunity and incentive to attempt recovery but like many chooses not to.

It is a period of our family life I’m glad we have passed. My DSis and I are close so it has been difficult to watch.