How did you confront your DH and what was the outcome?

[wellwhatdoido]

I’ve NC’d for this.

My dh is a lovely husband/dad and I love him dearly. When we met (I was early 20’s) we’d drink a few glasses of wine most nights and more at weekends when we’d have date nights. The alcohol made him act more romantic/intimate with me. It was great. Then one time he drank too much spirits and was very unkind (verbally). This has probably happened 7 times in our relationship/marriage and he is not the same person when he drinks spirits, he becomes so belligerent and unkind. After the first time it happened, it didn’t happen for ages and doesn’t when he drinks wine/beer, just spirits (and only when he drinks too much spirits, 1/2 is fine).

He realised he was drinking too much and did dry January. That actually continued until May and since then he’s only been drunk once and again, wasn’t nice, he doesn’t even know what he’s saying. BUT he’s drinking nearly every day, only 2 beers or a few glasses of wine but honestly, as soon as he has that I can’t really talk to him about anything thats anquestion or discuss an issue or situation as he becomes very intolerant/impatient/annoyed. If anyone else was in this situation, what did they do and what was the outcome? He’s not drinking loads or getting drunk, but he’s just not pleasant once he’s had a drink to me, he doesn’t change towards the kids but they’re in bed by the time he has one anyway.

Oh op. He is a functioning alcoholic in denial. My ex is too. I gave him an ultimatum , stop or we are leaving. I got a court order allowing us a year away me and ds.

Fast fwd 5 years later. He lives in a bedsit and lost everything. We had to sell our house to pay his debts. I won't have anything to do with him. I'm having trauma counselling

Don't be me, don't hang around waiting. Just finish the cycle of trauma and denial,
I've met someone else now.

Don't be me. I wish a had a friend say this to me, as j am saying it to you now. He has already met is first love and it's the booze. He will never put you first.

So the beer/wine that didnt use to make him nasty( you said only spirits did this) are now making him nasty? If thats the case I suspect he’s drinking a lot more than you realise .He might be having a beer in front of you for example ,but have a sly vodka on teh side or whatever.

@Sidebeforeselfthe thing is, I can tell when he’s drunk, he gets a glazed look in his eyes and he’s definitely not, nor acting it, it’s just making him extremely irritable/intolerant but it’s not the same as how he behaves when he has spirits.

@ChaliceinWonderlandI’m so sorry that happened to you. I think that he does have a problem but I don’t know what to say to him. I’m hoping that there is something I can say to change things, I don’t want to blow up the DC’s lives, nor do I want to leave him, I can’t see ever doing that.

You didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
You can’t cure it

It is up to him to stop drinking and up to you to decide if you can live with his drinking.
Be advised, it will only get worse and he will only want to stop if he reaches rock bottom and that is far lower down than you can imagine. For yourself, join Al-Anon for support.

It really is far far lower down than you ever think it is. My ex has lost absolutely everything and I’m beginning to conclude the only rock bottom for him is death. My rock bottom happened before his.

My story is more hopeful. My dh knew that if he carried on drinking and letting us down and being verbally abusive to me he’d lose us. He stopped 23 years ago and hasn’t touched a drop since. They have to want to do it. You can’t make anyone stop drinking x

Catpiece- any tips for getting DH to that point where he realises he’s at real risk of losing me and the kids?

You don't want to blow up the DCs' lives.

It's possible you don't understand the extent to which their lives are already affected by their father's alcoholism, and you believe they're able to compartmentalize their lives to the same extent you're doing to yours. You have the benefit of a life lived before you met your H. They do not. This is all they know of a father and a home life.

You need to read a book called 'Codependent No More' by Melody Beattie.

You also need to take a big, deep breath and join Al Anon, for people whose loved one is an alcoholic.

Do this for the sake of your children.

I think the biggest issue / barrier will be denial - either dismissing the extent of it (keep a diary, get them to set a date to stop), health effects seem so far off (find some compelling research), unaware of impact (tell them you don't want to be a carer for an alcoholic). If none of that makes them change you are on a losing battle.

My DH thought I’d never leave him, although he threatened to leave me lots of times. The first time he threatened I was in an absolute state. Every time after it felt more realistic. He was really shocked when I told him it was over.

We are now in the process of selling our house and splitting everything. I stayed for far too long, thinking I was protecting the children (I didn’t want him in sole charge of them). That was wrong as his relationship with our eldest and second is done. The last child is younger and more forgiving but broke my heart this weekend when DC1 asked if they missed dad and he said ‘well he wasn’t really around when. We lived with him’. DH was always there (he’d drink alone and worked from home so he was there but not present). The last two years he really declined; although he was ‘functioning’ it was only for himself. He became totally disassociated and chaotic.

We have been away for almost three weeks and he’s only seen DC3 twice and argued with DC1 and 2. That’s it. I thought he’d want to see DC3 most days (before getting drunk after work), but he hasn’t bothered. He’s leaving the country for five months shortly; I don’t actually even know if he’ll come back. It is very sad.

I didn’t nag him about drinking but periodically sat him down and told him the impact and he needed to stop. He never sought help and his narrative remains that his drinking has no impact on us. I could write pages and pages on how it did.

By the way the trigger for me leaving was that I got some counselling and realised that I always put DH’s needs first. The counselling gave me some self respect and that I deserved more from life.