Daughter called me concerned about my husbands drinking

[bigfatdoormat]

I have been married for a very long time have three grown up children who do not live at home.,very good relationships with all of them. My daughter has been staying with us fairly often as she has a new baby.
She called to say she is concerned about her dad my humus and. She said that she has seen him secretly drinking early in the morning when she has been up with the baby.and has discovered gin in his work bag and various other alcohol related things.
Truthfully him and me have always been drinkers but in the evenings wine etc. yes I'm aware that I have a drink issue as well but this is a new development.
He has had a terrible time at work over the past few months.
I noticed a change in him around 4 months ago . He seems very depressed, tearful not sleeping but also not getting up or going to bed really early.
I have looked in his work bag today after her call and sure enough I found a water bottle with gin or vodka in it plus a hip flask.
I am at a loss about how to tackle things.
We've had a lot of conversations about him being depressed but he won't see the gp . Now I realise that the secret drinking is a huge contributory factor.
But as I'm also a heavy drinker around a bottle of wine a day I'm not sure what to do or how to handle things.

Gosh that sounds quite accusatory
No i have retired was a nurse for 40 years.
Yes I can drive but rarely do I prefer to walk or get the tube so rest assured!!

Tips that helped me cut right back (if it's any help to you both)

Stock up on "treats"- mine was fancy teas and cans of sugary drink
Get rid of all booze in the house (and I mean ALL booze, dont keep any whisky in the drinks cabinet etc). I now only ever buy one bottle if I fancy a glass of wine.
Get out walking/running or play a game in an evening when you would normally have a drink and go to bed early

And remember- HALT- Hunger, Anger, Loneliness, Tiredness. All these things lead to cravings for drink- are you feeling any of these things? How can you resolve them without wanting a drink?

Good luck. It will be tough for you and it will be really tough on your husband but there is a wonderful world on the other side of this. And I can absolutely guarantee you will wake up feeling better every day. I lost 2 stone as well!

@bigfatdoormat in one of your posts you say you work. When do you drink your bottle of wine a day?

I do some voluntary work in a local hospice.

I'm questioning myself now because I only ever crack a bottle when I'm home dinners ready etc but you're right that could be impacting me the next day?
Perhaps I'll give up the voluntary work while I get a grip .

Back off @crumblingschools

No you need to keep busy! Don’t give up the good things x

I think in this case you need to not back off voluntary work or life in general to make it okay to drink. Your husband’s drinking is a wake up call to you and this is a perfect opportunity to change.

Realistically, relationships built around alcohol go one of three ways when one partner gets sober: (1) the alcoholic relapses because their partner has a vested interest in keeping them drinking (2) the relationship falls apart because they suddenly have very different lifestyles and interests or (3) the partner quits or greatly reduces their drinking because the relationship stops revolving around alcohol.

I’m 2 years sober now and my husband, who was a heavy drinker but not like me, drinks significantly less now. He still does drink, but it’s more like 3 beers a week than a bottle of wine 5 nights a week. Our lifestyle is completely different now that life doesn’t just revolve around drinking (and much better). Since you’re questioning your own drinking anyway (and it’s far too much) this is the perfect opportunity to do it together.

Agreed! That poster's question was pointless and, in any case, you'd already told us you drink wine in the evenings. If your volunteering brings you joy or satisfaction, keep going!

You have said that your time's very taken up with work, babysitting, caring for your parents, and now you'll be worrying about your husband. What do you do for your own self? Perhaps you need to expand on that somewhat. Wine shouldn't be the only thing that makes you feel good.

Hi there @bigfatdoormat Well done for opening up and asking for help on here. I found Dr Gabor Maté really inspiring and compassionate on the subject of addiction. He asks ‘why the addiction?’ and other things like that. I found him on You Tube. See if what he says resonates with you. I wish you all the best.