Daughter called me concerned about my husbands drinking

[bigfatdoormat]

I have been married for a very long time have three grown up children who do not live at home.,very good relationships with all of them. My daughter has been staying with us fairly often as she has a new baby.
She called to say she is concerned about her dad my humus and. She said that she has seen him secretly drinking early in the morning when she has been up with the baby.and has discovered gin in his work bag and various other alcohol related things.
Truthfully him and me have always been drinkers but in the evenings wine etc. yes I'm aware that I have a drink issue as well but this is a new development.
He has had a terrible time at work over the past few months.
I noticed a change in him around 4 months ago . He seems very depressed, tearful not sleeping but also not getting up or going to bed really early.
I have looked in his work bag today after her call and sure enough I found a water bottle with gin or vodka in it plus a hip flask.
I am at a loss about how to tackle things.
We've had a lot of conversations about him being depressed but he won't see the gp . Now I realise that the secret drinking is a huge contributory factor.
But as I'm also a heavy drinker around a bottle of wine a day I'm not sure what to do or how to handle things.

Both of you need to stop drinking together. Get him help from his GP. He cant quit and live with someone who drinks daily it wont work.

Yes I can see that. But I have really very little motivation to stop. My drinking is obviously harmful to my health but other than that it doesn't impact on anyone else. I work I care for elderly parents . I babysit obviously no alcohol is involved there.I have friends who I see where no alcohol is involved ( I do only see them in the day)
This secret drinking by my husband is a new thing I can't stop thinking about it and why he's hiding it?
We've also got a big treat holiday booked that is all inclusive so realistically i wouldn't consider trying to completely stop until after that.
I don't think cutting down would work either it would have to be stopping completely but drinking is such a huge part of my life I struggle to see what life would be like. Healthier wealthier thinner I guess.

My mum and step dad were alcoholics (he’s now dead and she has Korsakoffs). It was made so much worse because they did it together. It always seems more acceptable if you’re not the only one drinking.

Are you able to stop drinking yourself? As your grandchildren get older it’s likely you’ll see them less as your children won’t want them exposed. I remember the sinking feeling when I’d visit my family and you can tell straight away from the eyes and the voice that they’d started drinking for the day already.

You're both alcoholics with no desire to stop but you both need to seek professional help, you know what you both need to do, you may not think any of this affects anyone else but it does, it's already affecting your daughter, please seek help from your doctor and addiction services..your daughter may well stop the babysitting and visiting her children.

Well it does have a impact, as your both acoholics and your husband wont be able to stop if you dont quit alongside. If you cant see that sadly youre in denial and its slippery slope. You need too or it will get to a point where your daughter wont be able to trust you with your grandchild.

Yes your husband has taken a further step down the road of alcoholism than you have, but you're minimising how problematic your own drinking is. It seems extremely unlikely that either of you will avoid fairly imminent and major health problems unless you both completely stop drinking very soon. The chances of him stopping while you're still drinking 'around' a bottle a day are vanishingly small. And it sounds like he's in denial and you have no desire to stop. I feel sorry for your children - they will no doubt have to deal with the ongoing and inevitable fall-out if you don't stop.

I drank like you for decades. I’m now just over 6 months sober and I am indeed healthier, wealthier and much thinner! On top of that - I’m happier! Like you i did not want to quit - only drank in the evenings - wth would I do without it? Turns out there’s a whole world out there and loads to do - I was just too stuck in my drinking to do anything else.

if you can - give it a try for just 7 days - that was my initial goal. It’s hard but not impossible - we all can do hard things can’t we? Once I got to 4 weeks, I knew that I’d probably not drink again - well defo not like I did. You really have nothing to lose xx

You don't have motivation to stop? Your drinking doesn't impact on anyone??
You are in serious denial OP. Doesn't your new grandchild or your husband's situation give you motivation to stop? How about if your daughter refused to have contact with you both because of your drinking? I know I would if my parent was drinking as much as you are? You both have a serious drinking problem and the quicker you accept this, the quicker you'll be on the path to sorting it out. Saying you wouldn't consider stopping until after your all-inclusive holiday is worrying. You can have a perfectly good holiday (probably better) without getting drunk every day.

If he’s got to the stage of hiding alcohol in his bag and drinking in the day then he’s massively in the throws of alcoholism.

please tell me he doesn’t drive…

Baby steps. You're uncovering and waking up to the reality of the problem drinking/ alcoholism. You are going to have to lead by example. Now not later.

Call up GP, make an appointment for yourself, tell them everything. Make a note of your daily/weekly drinking habits before the GP appointment . Or call a helpline. More info here: https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/alcohol-advice/alcohol-support/

You have a family problem. He is drinking at work, which is likely to end his career early - mistakes will be made, attitude will be noticed, he will be overlooked for promotion, or make a mistake and br fired.

His health, and perhaps to a lesser extent, your own will be affected.

However the fact that you both drink gives you a way to support him that most couples don't have. It won't be easy, for either of you. But it can be done.

Tell him that you are concerned about him. Tell him that - without judgement - you know he is drinking at work and tell him how you know. Don't let him deflect the blame onto your daughter. This shows that she cares.

Tell him that he has to make this decision for himself - you aren't going to force him. But if he wants to keep his job, and his relationship with his daughter, and his health, then you will do whatever it takes to support him (but only if you too are willing to give up drinking).

Best of luck.

I also think, as others have said, you need to be honest about how much you drink.

you say you drink 7 bottles of wine a week. Is that all? No spirits? Not a G&T at the end of the night? Not an extra?

Then add on how much your husband is drinking. I assume at least the same, plus spirits for day drinking.

this is starting to have a massive impact. If your daughter is calling you to talk to you about it then you’re in denial if you say it doesn’t affect anyone else.

You are both alcoholics. Awful word-but it’s the truth.

You both have a problem. Your own justifications around your drinking speak volumes.

This can only end in disaster for your husband and by extension yourself. Your husband's drinking is out of control and you are on the way to being the same. Wake up before it's too late. Your daughter is right to be concerned - please take this seriously before you lose your whole family. The impact alcoholism has on families is horrendous, please don't bury your head in the sand.

The only option is saying let’s cut down. Begin the conversation without putting him on the defensive. The fact he’s hiding it means he knows it’s wrong.
I get that you don’t want to stop, completely understand but the only way to change is to both stop you know this.

If he drives to work however you need to loudly call him out and threaten to call the Police, ruining his own life and health is one thing but drink driving and killing someone is unacceptable.

@bigfatdoormat, you have much less of an alcohol problem than your husband. Please don't let these catastrophising replies nudge you towards thinking 'in for a penny, in for a pound'. You evidently are managing your drinking, though dependent on it.

Your husband, sadly, has let his addiction get control of him. What you describe is a very serious dependency, to the point where going cold turkey could be risky (if he could even do it). Were he to choose sobriety, a first step would be to consult his doctor about a detox.

This must have been a dreadful shock. Don't use it as an excuse for a few extra drinks to get over it! You can't control or cure another person's addiction - look up the "three C's" for more on this. A couple more "C's", which you'll encounter if you join a recovery programme, are:
Don't conceal it. Let him know that you and DD have found his stashes.
Don't contribute to it. This includes doing stuff he's not taking care of because of his drinking.

When you tell him you know, he's likely to experience immense shame. He will feel trapped and may become angry and/or try to blame you. Another common response to the shame is an immediate promise to get help. Support this if he does it, but do not expect it or take responsibility for his recovery (you can't cure him). Addiction makes liars of us all.

Meanwhile for you, I'll just recommend alternating your glasses of wine with water, tea, cola - anything wet and non-alcoholic. This useful habit makes your wine last twice as long and keeps you hydrated..

Why's he hiding it? He's ashamed, embarrassed. He knows it's not right

It sounds like he's at the point where it could be dangerous to just stop ( withdrawal seizures etc)
You are an alcoholic too and will end up further and further down the road, just like him.
You both need to see your gp's about alcohol support services.
You will end up losing everything- both of you- if you carry on like this. Hard fact but true.

Hi there Thankyou for all your very frank replies.
So far I have told him that I know and that our daughter also knows.
He was very ashamed as am I for a multitude of reasons. Not least because of my own drinking but also because I didn't recognise it i honestly thought he was depressed . There have been some very upsetting things in our lives recently.
He has seen his gp i went with him .
He has made an appointment with our local addiction service which will happen this week.
As far as I can tell he has stopped the spirits but all the advice has been not to suddenly stop until he is assessed. So he has been lasting out until the evening and having three glasses of wine. He is definitely having tremors in the morning but we have no idea of how much or little is safe.
Hopefully the addiction services will guide us both and we can make the changes together that we need to. Thanks for all your help

There's nothing you can do about your husband's drinking, just like no one can do anything about yours. It's fairly typical that your response is mainly about yourself and how it affects you.

Alcoholism is progressive. You didn't start drinking a bottle a day and your husband is now topping up throughout the day. He wouldn't be able to stop safely without medical support.

Addiction is often self medication. It has a root cause which needs to be examined and new coping strategies need to be learned.

Well done for taking those steps

honestly I stopped taking my kids to my parents house due to their drinking. It made me feel my kids weren’t always safe for various reasons. It’s worth stopping for all of you.

It is possible to go to all inclusive without drinking - you need to avoid the bar tho and get out a lot walking etc.

Thankyou for this reply it was very helpful to read.
To reassure everyone he doesn't drive at all.

The very best of luck to both of you.

Do you drive @bigfatdoormat? Do you work whilst under the influence?