DH has admitted he is an alcoholic

[FifteenApples]

Hi all. I'm coming here a bit dazed and confused and trying to process everything that has just happened. After 10+ years of my being concerned and trying to have conversations about it my DH has finally admitted last night that he is a functioning alcoholic. This has completely blindsided me to be honest as it came out of nowhere and happened in front of two of our friends. He has vowed he is done with alcoholic for good, as he is unable to moderate.
I'm a little annoyed at the public nature of it as I am quite private about anything relationship wise but also just relieved at this point and glad that it's not just me he is accountable to now.

I guess my questions are about the next steps. I asked him this morning what his plans were for his next steps and he said I'll just stop drinking, and if down the line I feel I need to talk to someone then I will. I don't think he's currently open to the idea of AA meetings. But I told him while I'm happy to support him I don't know that I can support him in all the ways he might need and that I think professional help would be a good idea. Just feeling a bit lost about where to go from here. Sorry my head is all over the place, I've been wanting him to acknowledge this for years but I can't get my head around that he actually has. I feel he is serious about it but I have told him that everything - me and the kids - is on the line if he doesn't follow through. Anyone else been the spouse in this position and any advice?

Seek support for yourself OP. Al-anon would be amazing for you. Reach out.

I’d also be concerned about his idea that he will just stop drinking How will that work? Will he start taking out his frustrations on you instead? Alcoholism is an illness and it needs treatment. I would want him to see his GP.

I have a family member who is an alcoholic. Not in the uk but they are on medication which means that any alcohol will make them violently ill. They have also spent 4 weeks in a treatment clinic and have ongoing therapy sessions.

Your priority here needs to be the DC. Focus on what is right for them.

In your position I would contact families anon. Recognition of his dependency is a positive first step

I admire your H for actually publicly admitting his alcohol problem and I think if your first reaction is to be embarrassed that he did this infront of other people then you are not being supportive of what must be a really difficult and significant step for him.
Yes you should be encouraging him to take whatever support is available to help him through this difficult process but being embarrassed that he has publicly acknowledged his problem seems a really negative reaction

Excuse me? Firstly you know absolutely nothing about what I have been through up to this point. Most people would have walked by now so don't you dare accuse me of not being supportive.

Secondly nowhere in my post did I say I was embarrassed by his admission. I said I was a little annoyed at the public nature of it, as his first admission to me that it involved people outside of our relationship. If he wants me to I'll sing it from the rooftops, I am absolutely not embarrassed.

I came here looking for advice and support on how to navigate the next steps from people who have been in my position. So please take your judgement and get off my thread, unless you have anything constructive to add besides criticising a wife and mum who is doing her best to hold her family together and find a way forward.

Thanks for your comment. Yes I am also concerned about his approach which seems very simplistic and doesn't address any of the reasons why he has been drinking, or help him build a plan to recovery. And I would also be worried about the physical effects of withdrawal too so I am going to try convince him to come to the GP with me in the hope that hearing it from someone else might help him engage with professional support

Thank you. Do al anon do groups or what format does the support take? Yes I also agree it is a positive first step. I am still in disbelief that he has come to this realisation and is taking some accountability, up to now he would blame everyone and everything else for his drinking.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/getting-help/helpline/

there is a helpline and they can direct you to support groups I believe

You are right I know nothing about your relationship and what has occurred prior to his admission that he is an alcoholic. Although having been married to an alcoholic myself I have some experience of what goes on in such a relationship.

And yes I do take issue with the fact that instead of being pleased he has finally admitted his alcoholism your first reaction is that you are annoyed this admission was made of other people you class as friends.

I did actualky offer advice in that of course it's important your H accepts any specialist advice and support that he can access.

I still think that your first reaction of being annoyed that he finally made this admission in the presence of people you call friends is not a supportive one.

Well I am human and can't exactly control how I feel, also as a private person I really don't see what is so wrong in feeling that way. I feel that first conversation should ideally have been a private one between us followed of course by telling those hes close to if that's what he wanted. I did as you can see also speak of being relieved too however you have chosen to ignore that part.

Never mind the fact also that I sat up with him for hours and held him while he cried, took over with the kids for the morning so he could have a lie on and get his head together while also trying to research what help is available near us. You persist on labelling me as unsupportive.

Please see again my last paragraph and head on your way, I am asking people here for advice not judgement or to kick me while I'm down.

Well done to him! That’s fantastic that he’s moving in the right direction.

A couple things I’d say: (1) it often is still a bumpy road between acceptance that you need to change and actually changing. For me, it was probably a couple years since I first started thinking it in my head, but probably 6 months from when I first said it out loud to Dh to when I actually got sober. Don’t be disheartened if he does have a few relapses. Be supportive rather than judgemental. It’s really hard and it’s really shameful. Ultimately, you want him to get better, but it just may not be a linear process and that’s very normal.

(2) He needs to reach out for support from other alcoholics. For men, AA probably still is the most accessible option. But he might consider meeting with a sober coach or with a therapist who specialises in addiction one to one. I didn’t do AA and I was drinking about 200 units a week (yes, really). I did just stop and I did it only with support from an online sober community. That worked really well for me. When I decided to stop, I stopped and I never looked back. I’m 2 years and a bit sober now. But support in some fashion is essential. He can’t do it alone and he really needs it to come from other people who have been there. One way you might support him is helping him find that support/community and holding everything together at home while he gets the support he needs.

I actually think it’s a very positive thing he’s said this in front of friends. Firstly, it’s very brave of him and he’s gotten over that hump of starting to tell people.

Even after 2 years of sobriety, lots of people in my life know I don’t drink, but only very few know I’m ‘sober’. It’s different to admit you actually have a problem.

But he’s also set himself up for accountability. Now people know and you can all be there to support him and hold him accountable. I mean that in a really kind way. Sticking to what you said you’d do is much easier when people are expecting you to stick to it, rather than it just being some goal you set to yourself in your head.

Thanks for your message and well done on your sobriety. Can I ask did you have any issues with symptoms of withdrawal? He admitted this evening that he gets physical symptoms of withdrawal if he goes 2 days without a drink. I'm worried about how bad it potentially could get and I'm conscious that it could be a few days before we get a GP appointment.

And thanks also for the comment about it not being a linear process. I'm trying to go into this with my eyes wide open. I am really proud of him and I want to help him as best I can but trying not to be naive that it will be a straightforward process.

I do acknowledge it is a positive thing and I suspect it would have been easier to sweep under the carpet the next morning if it had only been said to me. I'm just feeling such a range of emotions about it all. I'm relieved, happy, proud. But also shocked, blindsided and a little bit angry too, kind of questioning why now and not the many times I was begging him to see the damage he was doing. I haven't verbalised that though I think that's a conversation for down the line as he's feeling very fragile and vulnerable right now naturally.

Oh OP, no no no.

Please do as others have said, and contact Al-Anon for support and advice.

The first thing they will teach you is the 3 Cs.
You didn't cause this
You can't control this
You can't cure this

You are trying to cure him. This is not the support he needs.

Firstly depending how much he actually drinks he can't just not drink again. If he has a physical dependency he will need medication and support - if he tries to just stop he risks seizures and other issues. He also needs tests to see what damage has been done. The alcoholic in my family had pancreatitis due to alcohol and now has diabetes due to the damage. She also has late-stage cirrhosis now after "falling off the wagon" many times (although she's currently still in recovery. Small mercies)

Secondly even if you get past physical dependency you will still face the mental dependency. Once he's not drunk for a while he will probably go through the "Just one won't hurt" stage and it's an incredibly steep slippery slope from a beer after work to a bottle of vodka a day. Very few alcoholics stay dry at the first attempt, I think the relapse rate overall is around 70%.

Thirdly, most alcoholics start drinking as a self-help for mental health issues or trauma. As well as not drinking he may need some pretty intensive therapy to keep him in recovery. This will be tough on all of you.

Lastly, you can't keep this to yourself no matter how private a person you are. You will need help and support. If you can't reach out to friends or a support group you may as well leave him now because he will drag you down with him.

I'm sorry if this seems harsh. I have had an alcoholic close family member for many years and it's been brutal sometimes. The lies are the worst thing. Sometimes you need to detach with love.

I wish you and your DH all the best, but I can't sugar coat this for you.

I'm sorry you have taken such exception to what I've posted. I'm certainly not trying to " kick you while you are down".
I wish you all the best going forward.

Do you have any idea how many units he is drinking a day or a week? My (very recent) ex was on 25 units per day and needed a medically assisted detox given the severity of his withdrawal symptoms. He did three weeks in rehab the first time (and between two weeks and a month the times since). He’s currently in active addiction again but trying to go through a community based withdrawal and recovery again - most areas of the U.K. have a local council run drug and alcohol support.
Your husband should go to his GP and ask to be referred to community drug and alcohol support. If he doesn’t need a medically assisted withdrawal then it’s much quicker, you can access support groups immediately.

You will need support - Al Anon or SMART family recovery online meetings. I would also advise individual therapy for yourself. I didn’t live with my ex because I wasn’t prepared to blend my family (my choice, no judgement on those who do), and honestly the last two years have wrecked me. He had multiple relapses, and the crushed hope each time was excruciating. He became angrier and more despondent with each relapse and I don’t recognise him as a person anymore and no longer felt safe being in a relationship with him.

good luck xx

I would estimate 70-100 units weekly depending on the week (that I know of). I made a GP appointment as I wasn't confident he wouldn't put it on the long finger. Having told him about it now his reaction doesn't fill me with confidence...

Thank you all so much for your honesty. And I'm so sorry for the difficult times any of you have been through.

I think it’s positive he said it in front of others and not just you. The way you phrased your OP did make it sound as though you were embarrassed by that, rather than annoyed that he hadn’t shared this with you first. Your response to the poster who commented on that was rather sharp, though I can appreciate you must have been through a lot.

I have a family member who’s a chronic alcoholic. Bottle of gin (at least) every day for 20+ years. After a very unpleasant medical incident which landed her in hospital, she went to rehab. She only did this because it was forced on her (by me). She’s been pretty good since then (3 years now), but with some relapses. In her case it’s a case of if she carries on drinking she’ll die soon, such is the existing liver damage.

If he’s that bad, it’s unlikely he’ll be able to stop for good without help, but if he’s not receptive to help it’s also unlikely anything you say or do will change that. People have to come to their own place of asking for help. Unfortunately for many people that involves serious physical, emotional and financial damage before they get to that place. In your shoes I think I’d set boundaries and be prepared to stick to them. He is likely to fall down. You need to decide how many (more) times you’re willing to pick him back up.

There’s some great threads on here - maybe ask your husband to join one and start participating - he will get support every day! You cannot do this for him though - he should be taking charge and making his own appointments- if he’s not, then I don’t think he’s really serious about it.

the first few weeks will be tough but he can get through it if he is committed and makes sobriety his only goal - you cannot do this obviously support him, but he must do it. I am 27 weeks sober and love my life now - it is better in practically every way. I wish you both luck.

Hopping on to add solidarity and save all the good advice as I’m in a similar situation.