How to get over regrettable past behaviour?

[Lemonship]

Hi all, this is my first post on mumsnet. I’ve been really struggling with talking to people about this in real life so I’m hoping for some advice here.

I don’t drink anymore and have been slowly winding down with alcohol since having my first child almost 11 years ago aged 31. I used to regularly binge drink in my late teens and all through my twenties to the point where I would black out regularly. After having my first child, I started to do some work on why I was behaving that way and ended up dealing with a lot of unresolved childhood trauma. Once I started to get a hold on that, I realised I had no desire to drink which is great. However, my issue is that now, I am really struggling with how I behaved back when I was drinking. My OH who I’ve been with for 20 years doesn’t understand and just says that we were all drinking a lot back then. In a way he’s right but he was also never in a state the way I was. I walk past pubs I used to go to and shudder with a flashback of having to be carried home etc. I feel like I was a completely different person back then. Anyone have any tips on how to get past this? I love how much better I feel not drinking but it’s hard dealing with the guilt of the past. Thanks for listening.

Well done on doing so much work on your past issues. I suspect your childhood traumas had a lot to do with your behaviour as a young adult. So i think you're being a bit unfair to yourself by carrying so much blame.
As someone who was brought up to think that everything bad that happened in my family was my fault, I understand it's a difficult mindset to escape from.
What would you advise someone in the same position as yourself?
If you keep beating yourself up how will that help you?
You & I can't change what happened to us as children. But we can try to understand the effect on us, without blaming ourselves, and try to be decent, kind people. It's not easy or straightforward, but please be kind to yourself.

I stopped drinking around 5 years ago. I’ll occasionally have a glass of wine or two if I eat out and I’ll have a couple on nights out/at parties but these are very rare occurrences.
I drank like a fish in my late teens and 20’s/early 30’s. I was a bit of a party animal and went out every weekend and 2 or 3 nights during the week. On the nights that I didn’t go out I’d always have a bottle of wine at home, and sometimes open a second bottle. I don’t miss it at all and I certainly don’t miss the hangovers. I won’t go into detail but I did some pretty embarrassing/shameful things when I was drunk and I'm thankful that I can’t remember many of the nights. There are times though when I suddenly remember something I said or did and the shame is almost unbearable. As time goes on it does get easier. The memories are fading, and if I struggle to remember the things I did then I'm sure other people don’t give them a second thought. Something that does still play on my mind though is the danger I used to put myself in. There were so many nights that I don’t remember getting home. Friends were always telling me off for wandering off by myself and getting separated from them. I became a bit of a liability to go out with. Friends couldn’t relax because they always had to keep an eye on me and I found myself getting invited out less and less. I found out that there were lots of nights out happening that I wasn’t included in. This really hurt my feelings at the time but looking back I ruined a lot of nights by getting absolutely smashed and I totally understand why they’d have a better time without me there, wandering off, being loud and embarrassing them etc etc. Time which should have been spent enjoying themselves was wasted ‘babysitting’ me. This does still embarrass me and I cringe every time I think about it. Although I don’t socialise with any of those women any more I still have to see them regularly as they have to come into my place of work for appointments, often with their husbands and children. I can just imagine the conversations on their way home, ‘you know that woman who just booked our appointments? Well I used to be friends with her and she once fell asleep on the toilet in a club and woke up with her knickers round her ankles, covered in her own vomit’ or ‘she once drank so many tequila shots that she blacked out and had to be carried out of a club by the bouncers. Then we found her fast asleep on the grass verge’.
OP, I also feel like a totally different person now. I barely recognise that girl who used to black out but I still shudder when I pass certain places. As time goes on those nights feel further and further away from the person I am now and my life. I’m sure this will be the case for you too

Thank you both for your very kind and thoughtful responses. Sorry just getting around to replying, daughter’s birthday today.

@Escapingafter50years it sounds like you share some similar issues from childhood; I’m sorry to hear that. What you said about being brought up to believe everything was your fault really struck a chord. It was only when I had my children that I realised I should’ve been a lot more protected by the adults around me. But still, it’s such a hard feeling to shake isn’t it, even when you logically know you were just a child. Your advice is really sensible especially about being decent and kind going forward. I also want to break the cycle with my own kids and give them as much of a stable, loving home as I can. Thank you so much for the wise and kind words. I hope you have peace in your own life too.

@Lizzy1980 this is exactly how I feel. I was nodding as I read your post. It’s the shame of it all and it pops into my head at the most annoying times. What you said about other people not remembering things that happened is actually really helpful. I tend to remember everything but actually no-one else really cares that much about what I used to do. I should keep remembering that! I’m glad you’ve found your way out of it all too. It’s weird feeling like a totally different person when you’re not drinking but so much better! I think there’s a bit of needing to give permission to move on I guess. Good luck to you and I’m sure the women coming in to make appointments are too concerned with their own lives to be saying anything.

Find a photo of yourself in your late teens/early 20s. You’ll see things differently when you’re reminded that she was just a baby 🫶

Personal regret about something like this is pointless.

You can't change the past. You can't put the clock back and relive those years differently.

The important thing is to recognise the issue, address it, and be different in future. Which you are doing.

I doubt there is a person living who doesn't have something in their childhood or teens that they regret. We all did things that weren't great. I treated a kind and decent boyfriend poorly when I was in my teens. But losing sleep over it won't change it, won't help him, won't help me. All I can do is not behave like that in future.

Firstly, congratulations on turning it around with your drinking. That's not easy to do.

Secondly, happy birthday to your daughter!

I thought I might be able to give another perspective having read the above. I can think of two girls in particular from when I was in my early 20s who were messy messy drunks, and really big drinkers. Not very close friends then but people from home so I still sometimes see them and have them on Facebook. They got in some states when we were younger and yes I had to "babysit" them on a few occasions, although when everyone else is also young and merry it doesn't feel so much of a pain. When we were younger I didn't think about problem drinking like I do now, I guess being more aware of it comes with adulthood, but I knew they were in the extreme.

Now I see them both on Facebook. One has a gorgeous little boy, and posts sweet pictures of them on walks, doing activities. One is running a small business doing something she always loved. They both look fresh and gorgeous. I've heard from people who know them better than neither of them drink now. We do sometimes tell silly stories about all of us being messy, but I don't think badly of these women at all. I think it's brilliant they are so well and so happy when it could have gone another way (my aunt died too young of alcohol related liver failure, so I know the other story).

I'm kind of proud of them in a weird way. I would never tell them that because it would be weird, a bit patronising, and they would wonder who the hell I am perhaps! But I don't look back at them then and laugh, I look at them now and think fair play.

I hope they're not as hard on themselves as you are, and I hope you learn to be kinder to your past self who didn't have it worked out, but now does x

If I’m reading correctly, you’re now 42?

do you think it might be anxiety related to perimenopause that’s just latched on to the drinking?

if not, it could be the same principle - anxiety latching on to something, maybe because you’re going through a stressful time? Or when stress ramps up?

FWIW I also drank like that during my teens and early twenties— really wish I hadn’t. I made stupid decisions, was horrible to some people, and even when not drinking, had some cringey moments and I also can latch on to them and think about all this sometimes. Usually when something else stressful is going on in my life.

and my anxiety has ramped up in years and I think it’s perimenopause related.

it really will latch on to anything… which helps me dismiss it a bit more.

Yeah sadly am in this club too. Self forgiveness is a really powerful tool, I wish I could give it to you but you have to find it yourself

Agree perimenapause might be playing a part, or just anxiety on its own if not. Couple of sessions with a therapist would help, or some cbt if it's becoming a real obstacle.

I love that I don't drink to excess anymore and feel very proud of the things I've overcome. You'll feel this way to eventually. Give yourself a massive pat on the back for reining it in, many don't or can't, sadly.

Be kind to yourself.