Help me turn my life around

[LoudKoala]

Hi, I’ve woken up from another night of heavy drinking this morning on the sofa, I have been drinking every night since summer 2020. I drink 2-3 bottles of wine per night. I’ve been off work for the past few months due to surgery (not related to my drinking) and am due to go back over the next few weeks and am so scared about how I will cope as I have been considering resigning, only decided to go back as we need the income. Had a massive argument with my partner last night when drunk, cannot even remember what about, and smashed an ornament by throwing something at it. Am not physically dependent on alcohol because I did not miss it when in hospital or when away on holiday/any setting not my house (always able to go 2 weeks without any alcohol with no withdrawal symptoms when I’m away from daily life) but struggle to get through a night at home with no alcohol, if I try to go to bed early instead of sitting drinking late into the night for example I will toss and turn for hours/wake every hour. Before my surgery I was working a 60 hour week with very little support from my partner (who only works 2 days per week, but can’t complain about this as it means we don’t have to worry about childcare and enables me to work two jobs, I am the breadwinner) but does make me feel stressed. I’m constantly worried about money. I have two boys and feel I’m not present for them. I have tried everything from reading all the quit lit, multiple hypnotherapy sessions to online sober schools, but cannot shake the feeling of needing to drink when I’m not on holiday/away from home and sitting in the evenings after work when the kids go to bed. What can make me stop? Please don’t just tell me to go to AA or to my GP, I struggle to leave the house for anything other than work, zero self confidence and massively insecure about appearance, I struggle so badly dealing with people now and with even basic things like getting groceries, and I feel like I’ve been to my GP enough this year asking for sick lines following the surgery and also a miscarriage.

Hi @LoudKoala. You're not alone. There's some really supportive threads you can join here. I've had so much advice and cheerleading from the stopping alcohol thread so I'd encourage you to lurk or post there but here's what I've learned.
Just because you can stop doesn't mean you don't have a dependency. Stopping and restarting can actually give you more of a dependency because it reinforces your brains belief that alcohol does (insert whatever emotion you're using to help with here)
I know you say you've read the quit lit. Can I recommend though if you havent read it - Alcohol Explained - it's really helpful to help shake up some of your beliefs that are showing up in your post.
Also,, and I'm working through it now - download the Naked Mind App and The Alcohol Experiment- daily talks and tasks to help you stay focused on your journey. There is another one Annie Grace runs which is called The Path which is paid for but I would thoroughly recommend the experiment one as a starter to help you turn your life around.

I repeat, you're not alone, we're all here doing the best we can. I'm on day 17 and my mood from those first days vs now has massively changed for the better. I'm definitely not out of the woods but I promise you it get better x

Roughly where are you? My family member (FM) was drinking the same amount as you but was physically dependent. She was referred to the local addiction clinic via the GP but we found out later you can self-refer and they’ll do phone appointments/video calls if that’s easier for you.

FM started like you, literally going from home to work and back, too anxious to even visit family and avoided medical professionals completely. She used the referral to the addiction clinic as a (very slow) gateway to help from GP, MH services and a counsellor.
If you have this service near you, I would definitely advise you to access it.
If not, would you consider counselling? Lots of people offer online video calls etc so you wouldn’t need to go out.

On a practical level, can you limit the amount of alcohol you have access to? Initially FM was advised to open a bottle of wine and pour away 1 glass then drink her usual 2-3 bottles, then increase the amount she threw every 2 weeks. She needed help initially but it gave the clarity needed for everything else.

Do you have any old hobbies you could pick back up? Drawing, sewing, knitting, walking, puzzles, gaming, yoga, anything you can do to keep busy in an evening?
Friends you can lean on who will come over/you can visit/meet for a coffee?

Is your partner aware of your drinking and that you’d like to cut down/stop? Does he drink with you?

Essentially in my (very limited) experience, it’s very hard to stop alone so if you have support, you should use it.
And your struggle to simply be at home, relaxed without drinking indicates the drink is being used to ‘help’ in some way and if you’re not sure how, it may be that you need a counsellor to help you (my FM was drinking away absolute rage and frustration with her life but didn’t really realise this until the drinking had stopped).

If you’re not ready for all that, keep reading the quit-lit. Look for podcasts about getting sober. Use the threads on here, they’re very supportive.

Good luck OP 💐