Alcoholic stepsister

[Worriednana]

how can I help a 30 year old functioning alcoholic with a 1 year old and 6 year old.. should I tell social services?

If the children are in danger then yes you should report this. Sometimes alcoholics kid themselves that everything is fine because they still have kids / job / house / car etc so SS involvement might be the kick she needs to realise how low she’s sunk

Yes report to social services. That can do some checks with school and health visitor and make a full assessment. No children thrive in the care of an alcoholic. Is she a single parent?

She is married but recently they live separately in the same house. He gave her a black eye a couple of months ago and recently smashed a pane of glass in the front door. Of course we only get to hear one side of these altercations, don’t know what provocations went on before. Our families responses were that he had crossed a line and should leave.She lies constantly so we never truly know what’s going on.

To what extent is she drinking?

we can only guess as she hides bottles and lies, but I suspect at least 1 bottle of white wine a night.

A bottle of wine each night, whilst not ideal, would not be a huge issue for SS. The domestic violence on the other hand, would be problematic. The central concern of SS would be whether the children were well looked after (clean, fed, well provided for) and if they were safe (not witnessing domestic violence, not being physically harmed by their parents, not being driven anywhere whilst under the influence). How do the children seem?

Is she drinking herself into oblivion during the day? Does she know everyone is aware of her alcoholism?

her house is immaculate, she is obsessional about cleaning, kids are clean, fed sleep well and appear happy and normal. . On the surface all presents well. However she has little interaction with the children, doesn’t do ‘fun’ activities. On her instagram and Facebook posts she comments about how they ‘drive her mad’. I’m concerned about the future, that if she doesn’t curb her drinking she may pass out with nobody around to help, or may get increasingly irritated with the kids. I will try and get her sister to speak to social services. I have invited her to come and stay numerous times ( she lives 1.40 hours drive away) always makes excuses last minute. I suggest I could come and stay and again she cancels.

her sister managed to bring her and the children for a weekend. She insisted on stopping to buy 2 bottles of wine, as her sister and I don’t drink. First night she drank at least a whole bottle, I challenged her on drinking so much in one evening but she was full of excuses, saying she poured the other bottle away???? I asked her where the empty bottles were but she gave some crazy vague answer. I searched bins and cupboards etc in her room and outside but couldn’t find them. It’s awkward because if I get too pushy she will stop any possible communication.

I did tell her that WE are All concerned that she is drinking too much. She denies it and says she has drastically cut back. This has been going on for years according to her brother and sister. I don’t know if she drinks herself into oblivion, there is no way she would tell any of us.

You should call and report your concerns about the drinking and the domestic violence. It’s unlikely to get much traction immediately if the couple presents a good surface level picture, but you are creating a paper trail.

Can anyone recommend maybe a book I could send her anonymously that might give her insights on the damage she is doing to her body, and how she may be affecting her kids.

I would be more concerned she is getting a black eye from her partner. Can you report this?

PS giving her a book will be a waste of time I promise

After speaking to an addiction charity I brought a couple of books from SMART recovery 3 weeks ago and skimmed though them to be honest but served a purpose. . I was told Smart recovery is the way if you can stop on your own for days in between and AA if you are cannot stop every day. AA is not rated in my area, hard to get access to so found myself steered very much away from.

Life is just horrible and I don’t know how someone stands with an immaculate home - mine was cleared whilst I went to hospital. No one truly understands. I’ve heard the other end of the scale where it isn’t it shameful 88 year xxx is doing this due to alcohol. I tried to speak to my diabetic nurse earlier this year but was simply told my liver bloods were fine. I cannot say how let down I feel by so called professionals in harsh reality.

Thank you to all of you that have commented, it has helped me. The conclusion I have come to is that there is very little I can do personally apart from messaging her with my support. Her sister and brother will contact social services, if they visit her it may shock her into change. Let’s hope so.

I know this thread is a little old, sorry. But @Worriednana I wanted to say, as a family, you need to put your energy into the kids. Hopefully there's someone who lives closer, and can give them lots of attention, praise them for their nicest qualities, be present and be consistently there. Life as the child of an alcoholic mother can be painfully isolated.