Need help and advice

[YourFluentOlivePombear]

I really need some advice please. So been with my partner for 4 years I'm 41 and he's 40 . Well where do I start , our first Christmas he got so drunk after a family wedding he got really aggressive with my teenage son and my mam when we got home ..saying horrendous things. He fell out with my mam and family and they have never spoke since..
He reassured me that it would never happen again but sort of blamed me mam for the episode . We sort of got back on track and a few months later we went out for a night out it went all wrong and I went home ..later finding out he had slept with a ex that he'd seen in town earlier ..
I ended things and sort of got on with my life .somehow though stupidly we got back intouch and we started seeing each other again ...but there's been so much stuff that has happened and just before Christmas this year I had a massive breakdown ..I've never felt so anxious and worried. .its been particularly bad since my birthday last year .he got really drunk and was horrendous in my home ..I was sound asleep and woke up to him pulling my hair and he slapped my face ...it hasn't happened again since then ..but I was so worried about the run up to Christmas and then his 40 th birthday incase it happened again ...it didn't but the worry was still there...
He's not at all abusive when sober but I'm now anxious being around him it's like a resentment has set in ...I just feel worried all the time ..we don't live together but he comes over to my house ...
I have spoke to him in lengths about this and it hasn't happened again since my birthday in August last year ..but something changed in me since then ..
Please be kind ..I need sone advice and I know some people will think I'm stupid ..I don't honestly know how I've gotten in this situation

He is aggressive and violent and unpleasant with alcohol. Only he can do something about his drinking. He's got to want to.

He is affecting your mental health.

I honestly think for your own sake and for the sake of your son, who doesn't deserve this in his life, you should end your relationship with this man.

Hi there.

so sorry to read this. I hope you’re okay ❤️‍🩹 I think you’re quite smitten with him despite the red flags. If he takes accountability for his past behaviour and starts therapy to resolve his anger issues and why he’s like this maybe you might have a future. But your life is not going to be peaceful and drama free until he does the work. The horrific attack on you whilst you were asleep is unforgivable - you have every reason to feel resentful and on your guard. He is dangerous. If he loves you as much as you hope, then he will be willing to have counselling and get support. Otherwise I fear you are putting your child’s life and your own at risk.

xxx

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
it sounds like you so desperately want him to be the person you believe he can be, but he’s not showing you that he wants that.
I know how powerful that hope can be but it really is destructive. Please put yourself and your family first and cut ties.
it will be hard, but soon you’ll see things differently from an outside view and be happy you did it.

You're choosing this man over everyone else including yourself. His behaviour is getting worse and worse from upsetting your family to physically attacking you.

You're burnt out. If you feel unsafe, contact a domestic abuse organisation. Refuge webchat is available till 6pm tonight.

He's abusive and you're blaming his behaviour on alcohol but it's him.

End it. You will not regret it.

This man became aggressive with your mam and your son. I mean, I’m NC with my mother, but I wouldn’t tolerate some drunk I’ve only known a few months treating her like that. And no man would ever get aggressive with my child, or god help him. He’s abusive and he’s abusing you. It makes no difference if he’s drunk or sober. He’s an abuser.

I was drinking huge amounts every day before I got sober. I have never once gotten aggressive with anyone’s mum. Or my children. Or woken Dh up in a rage pulling his hair. It’s got nothing to do with being drunk. And everything to do with being an abuser. He’s just hiding behind the drink.

Reach out to Women’s Aid or similar in your area and I would report his assaults on you just to have a record of them logged in case there are future incidents.