How do we help our friend

[SummerSuzanne]

As the title suggests, I am looking for some advice about how we help our close friend who we believe has an issue with alcohol. I am worried they are on Mumsnet so apologies if I seem vague.

It’s been going on for years. We have tip toed around it. A few years ago we tried to speak to her and she was angry. Around that time we were hearing things from friends of friends about events and incidents - she tried to keep it from us but we live in an area where people know each other, so we’ve found out things. Her young children have been present during some of these
incidents too.

We thought things were a bit better but recently events suggest otherwise. In the past she didn’t stand out at as much at events/nights out we’ve had together, was not any more drunk than anyone else really but recently there has been a change. She sticks out as being a different kind of drunk than other people. Her self care seems to have dipped too. People are talking. We believe she is drinking most, if not every, day.

I feel we have let her down by not tackling this head on before. We tried and failed miserably. As I said, tip toed around her, talked and talked about how we would approach it, agonised over every detail and then nothing really happened. She didn’t want our help, said she would cut down herself. She was livid that we tried to talk to her. Angry that we had clearly been talking about her.

Her two daughters are clearly being impacted. We see the impact and other people must too.

It’s such a mess, we want to help her but don’t know where to start. Even talking about it will make her angry and upset.

I'd ring adult protective services to do a wellness check on her, and they can refer to local services if needed/provide her support or provide her children support. It'll be anonymous- they don't tell her who called. Current Safeguarding Teams contacts - All nations.pdf

I would agree with the post above.

shes not going to listen to you or her friends.

My husband has just lost a friend who was drinking far too much, not one of her friends did anything, too late now, she died from alcohol abuse leaving behind three children, only in her forties. Don’t do nothing.

❤️‍🩹🤍

First thing you need to know about addicts is they are filled with shame so they lie and will lie directly to your face to avoid confronting the shame.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease and the best way I’ve looked at it is [name] versus disease. The disease desperately wants to “win”, it wants to take over the addict’s body.
I failed to save my Mum, she tried so hard, we all did, the disease won.
All I can say is don’t give up on your friend, don’t enable her, but just let her know she isn’t judged and she isn’t alone.

If her daughters are being impacted (is there another adult in the house?) raise it as a safeguarding.

You can try talking to her but you cannot force her to do anything. You could find out what the local pathways to support are (both AA and local alcohol services) and present her with the information and leave it as that. You can’t persuade her - recovery can only come from her doing the necessary work - and the first stage is that she has to want it.

Sorry I’ve not come back to this before - adult safeguarding - where we are they wouldn’t even consider supporting her. I work in social care and know this wouldn’t help.

I’m sure others will have been here but on the surface they can present as fine - professional in a responsble job that they seem to manage well in. So some people would be shocked if they knew what life was actually like.

Two of our friends have reached out to her. In a very supportive “we are worried about you” way.

@PopThatBench yes we’ve realised about the lying and we know it comes from a place of shame. As I said in my OP we’ve tiptoed around it. It’s like we are scared to broach it. When we did in the past they did everything they could to avoid us and to reassure us that everything was ok. She put rules in place about when she would and would not drink. I suppose that can only work for so long when you have an addiction, and it would be easy for it to creep back up to being every day.

One issue that they raised in the past is that our time together as a group is always dinner and drinks. They didn’t want to lose this or for this to stop when we suggested doing other things instead.

How about you withdraw with love, and direct your efforts to her children who are much much more deserving of it.

Let her get angry- that’s what emotionally immature people do. That’s her emotional range. Let her know that you aren’t prepared to pretend everything is just fine.

So difficult. Would it be appropriate to repost to SS if the children are impacted?

We have had similar in our wider friendship circle but two mums. One mum died the other moved out of the family home dad looks after the house / children now teens last I heard she is remarrying a man she met at AA but is still drinking.

One issue that they raised in the past is that our time together as a group is always dinner and drinks.

subtext : She can only stand being around you when she can drink.

• Drinkline is the national alcohol helpline. If you're worried about your own or someone else's drinking, you can call this free helpline in complete confidence. Call tel:0300 123 1110 0300 123 1110 (weekdays 9am to 8pm, weekends 11am to 4pm).

@GuevarasBeret yes I think this is true. Other friends of hers have said that if they don’t drink when they are together she makes comments about it. They feel she thinks they are boring.

I suppose she will seek out opportunities to drink that seem “normal” - oh the sun is shining I will have a beer in the garden while the kids play. Take the kids for dinner and have wine with dinner etc etc - the list of scenarios is endless. A celebration like a wedding - because most people have a drink at a wedding and have fun.

The issue is it’s no longer fun. Especially when you know what’s happening.

I think this might be all we can do.

We need to stop dancing around this - why are we all so bloody scared to address this head on? And other people around her too?! Family for example

As an adult child of an alcoholic who has been trying to help my mum since I was 9 years old and is currently at 39 begrudgingly nursing a mother dying of end stage liver failure, her daughters need the help more than the mother. You cannot help someone who is not willing to help themself. I wish I had somebody who spotted the signs and helped me when I was a child. I can begin to tell you how many rock bottoms my mother ignored to continue to find the end of the bottle.

Glad your not my friend