Alcoholic mom, due first grandchild

[Lemoncake199111]

Hi,
My mom is an alcoholic, she has some degree of dementia from it. She’s in a relationship now and on the whole appears a little more ‘functional’ but I rang her today and she was drunker than I’d heard her for ages. I am due my first baby in October, and she is very excited to be a grandmother, however I could do with some advice around boundaries and expectations. She can be very manipulative and emotionally guilt trips a lot. She’s got a few physical and mental health challenges associated mainly with years of alcohol abuse. She lives about 1.5 hours away and I just know she will expect me to come round loads as she did with me when she was on her own (we fell out about this previously)
Im sad because the mom I grew up with until about 11 was fantastic with kids, loves them, and that woman would have been a lovely grandparent. I love her but I can’t parent her anymore and parent my own baby!

You step back. Your priority is your child. It's too far to regularly drag a baby to see a drunk, and being a mum doesn't stop when your child is 11. She's not done a good job of being a mum and she won't do a good job of being a grandma. You need to maintain distance.

She can never be around your children under the influence of any amount of alcohol
that is your rule that you tell her and stick to

This.

You need boundaries and they need to be rock solid. I totally sympathise, my BIL is an alcoholic and is now living with PIL again- my child has not and will never be in the same room as him. Too unpredictable, not a safe position to put a child in and I wouldn’t take my child to see a drunk. It’s hard, but it’s necessary. I’d far rather be the person with solid boundaries who others may think is a bit OTT than be the mum who put her baby in an unsafe situation and lets baby pay the price.

I can totally understand you mourning for the DM you had and how you saw her behave until you were 11.

What happened after you reached 11? Is that when you began to notice the drinking?

I do agree with the PPs, you need to prioritise your feelings and the safety of your LO over your “D”M. This can be hard though, especially if you’ve always been conditioned to put her needs first.

Have you ever read Emotional Blackmail?

My parents split and things deteriorated then
Have up and down since, including hospitalisation. Any conversation I try to have with her ends up with some very nasty comments. She’s at the stage now where she doesn’t seem as ‘malicious’ just sad and lost. I would never leave my child with her alone.

Thank you for the advice everyone. Being pregnant has stirred up some big emotions that I thought were pretty worked through with therapy!

Oh hunny, my mum has had a problem with drinking as long as I can remember my first memories not necessarily bad just drunk. Fast forwards to now she sadly lost my brothers and sisters into the care system and their fathers which means we are all broken up luckily I was much older and hold it together some how anyway . She is now 2 years sober today !!! I feel like reading this I just have to tell you while yes she is an alcoholic she will always be an alcoholic but she don’t sound ready to admit and get help. My mothers words you’ve got to hit rock bottom once you reach it you find out the fuxkers got a basement too then the only way will be up. I took a step back once I had my children (before she was sober ) . You learn to say no to not let the manipulative side reach you, you focus on your baby and you be the best you can be for only them and honestly it’s the best feeling in the world. I wish you all the best and hope your mum gets the help she needs but she’s got to want it first. X

Once baby is here it'll be you're main priority. Travelling 1.5hr won't be easy, and definitely not top of your to do list! She needs to put the effort In with you. If it was me, I wouldn't have her around baby while drunk. Let her know your feelings before baby is here and hopefully this might push her to get some help

In my experience the moment you become a mother your mind shifts. I know at the moment you feel a pull to the mother you remember when you were eleven. When you have your baby they will be your priority, you may feel quite emotional about things for a while so make sure you take some time out to spend some time alone with your baby with any pressure. Maybe text mum and ask her for some space. Send a text once a week with an update but don't respond to anything that is manipulative.