Supporting alcoholic wife

[ForTwinklyTealCritic]

First time poster here, and I am looking for some advice on how to support my wife. She has always been a drinker, but the last couple of years, things have really got out of control. She drinks spirits - Vodka or Gin usually. And when she drinks, she drinks one of those smaller bottles (I think they are 350ml - but basically half a big bottle). That's about 14 units in one night, and on average, she is drinking about 60 to 70 units a week, and it is all at home rather than social drinking.

I don't have a good relationship with alcohol. One of my ex partners (who thankfully I didn't marry) was a functioning alcoholic who became non functioning and ultimately abusive. I was with her 8 years, and it has left me with a lot of baggage.

The thing with my wife is that she is not a nasty or abusive alcoholic, like my ex. She doesn't hide it. She doesn't lie about it (though no one else other than me knows how much she drinks behind closed doors - which I do find a burden as I can't talk to anyone about it). I do find it very difficult to deal with her when she is drunk. She is loud, annoying, talks nonsense and is just generally really triggering for me. She knows my history and just says "I am not your ex" which is true, because she is not a nasty or horrible person. She doesn't hide her drinking or do risky things - she just sits in the house most evenings drinking herself into oblivion.

She says she wants to stop, which is really positive, and she watches a lot of stuff on Youtube and online about stopping, which has somehow given her the idea that she doesn't need to have willpower to give up. The problem is that I am not sure she does want to give up - the abstinence lasts a day or two and then she is off to Bargain Booze to buy more vodka. When she says she is going to drink, I try to talk to her down in the vain hope it might help her, but once her mind is made up, there is no stopping her.

I know I can't control her drinking - all I am trying to do is be supportive and try and help her if I can.

What I think is not helping is my reaction when she does drink. My approach is to withdraw completely. I will go and watch TV upstairs or do some gardening. Essentially I keep out of her way until it's time for bed. I do my best not to engage with her when she is drunk or drinking, because it triggers me and I find her difficult to deal with drunk people. I think this is because of my emotional baggage, because she isn't actually doing anything horrible when she is drunk - she is just being a typical drunk.

I worry a lot about what she is doing about her health. She had to give up a job in the NHS a couple of years ago due to poor health (which was not alcohol related). I don't think the drinking was a response to this - she was drinking a lot when she was working. But there are already indications she is damaging her health with the booze and but she doesn't want the doctor to know as she doesn't want this in her medical records.

I know there is no advice you can offer to stop my wife from drinking - she has to do it herself. But I can support her, and I want to do is try and change my behaviour because I don't think withdrawing and not engaging when she is drunk is helping - it is actually causing an issue, as she says I just go into a sulk which then causes conflict. So I suppose my question to those of you who live with drinkers is how you tolerate them when they are drunk? How in the moment can you put aside the disappointment and anger that they are doing this to themselves? She is wonderful, lovely person when she is sober. And she can stop, as she has evenings of abstinence. I can't change her behaviour, but I want to find coping strategies so I can try and moderate my behaviour and response to stop making a bad situation worse.

Thanks for reading.

I think if she really wants to stop you need to be absolutely upfront with her and tell her how it’s affecting you and your relationship and even the decline you see in your partner . Do a reality check maybe?
My hubby was so sweet and kind and looking back he was almost enabling me . Like you a non drinker really himself and me drinking a bottle of wine a night and increasingly poor health but managing a great job no one would know .
I watched the videos and read the books. I would make deals with myself that I could moderate but it just builds back up and never lasts.
Could you have a conversation and really talk to her about this ? Maybe show her your post ? Have a meaningful conversation ?
Tell her you’re there for her but ask how she needs you to support tackling this head on together and make a plan?
I did this in reverse when I realised that well meaning hubby was being just too nice so I had to sit him down and say literally this is the situation help me fix it ? It’s not okay. He genuinely didn’t see I had a drink problem until that conversation.
I’m now almost 6 months sober and honestly life has never been better but it takes so much work
She has to want to do the work.
I was able to take some time off work but not everyone can.
Write down in a book how this journey might look for both of you. What support can you get ?
Pick a date and do it but with all that support in place . It’s actually easier than moderating and gives you far more headspace .
Attend meetings online or in person (I did SMART) but there’s lots.
Fo whatever works for her . For me initially this was being 100 % kind to me as long as I didn’t drink that day .
Early nights , crap TV , many people exercise but I was exhausted for the first 3 months , good food , walking daily , journaling , using apps to motivate me and count days, long baths and lots and lots of AF drinks!
She is lucky to have you well done but channel your support now and play the tape forward together…. How do you want your life to look in 2 years say?
Sending kindness and sunshine ☀️

@ForTwinklyTealCritic I am the problem drinker in our family. My husband has a beer or two then stops but I am the drinking to oblivion partner. I’m sober now because I just don’t want to hurt my family any more and I’ve come to realise I deserve better - after a lot of therapy.

I really feel for you and it is clear you care for your wife. But what she is doing is harmful to you both and the relationship.

Happy people don’t drink themselves into oblivion intentionally on a regular basis. This is not someone having one too many at a party. Could she be persuaded to seek therapy to deal with why she is drinking in such a harmful way?

Have you talked about the effect of her drinking on you when she’s sober?

I’m not sure that you can or that it is wise to moderate your behaviour to deal with her harmful drinking. Her behaviour is abusive. And her drinking is likely to get worse.

At the end of the day, she needs to want to stop. There’s not much more you can do.

good luck 💐

I am now separated from alcohol dependant dh.
I tried for 4 years to support, find AA groups and therapy together, got him linked with a specialist in alcohol support, talked together about it, was upset, angry, desperate.
Contacted his family to see if they could offer him more support, etc etc. Ultimately, there’s nothing you can do to help if they aren’t deciding to do it themselves.

Nothing you are doing has caused her drinking.
You can’t control it.
You can’t cure it.
Only she can. It doesn’t mean I don’t care. I’m still trying to help and support from a distance. But it eats away at you, the whys, ‘why can’t he stop for his family? Why aren’t we enough to fight for?’
You are right to disengage when she’s drinking, otherwise you are condoning it.

Hi there — first, I really want to say how much I respect you for caring enough to post this and for reflecting on your own reactions. It’s clear you love your wife and want to support her, and that’s a huge starting point.

I wanted to share a bit of my own story, as it might give some perspective. I was a functioning alcoholic for about five years. My husband was my quiet anchor during that time — when I was unable to get out of bed or handle things, he did it all without ever shaming me or making me feel like a failure. But what really worked wasn’t big interventions or heavy talks.

The best support he gave me was actually subtle: he never called me out as “an alcoholic,” never made it the identity or the focus. Instead, he’d gently explore with me what might be making me want to drink, sometimes in sneaky, positive ways — like brainstorming activities or interests that drinking interfered with. He showed me, consistently, that there was a better life waiting, a life I actually wanted to be sober for.

Over time, I realized I preferred being clear-headed with him. We started doing more things I couldn’t do drunk — going places, doing hobbies I loved, talking deeply. We even changed our whole lifestyle: we moved to a dream house, moved counties, and he encouraged me to return to work. None of this happened overnight, but his quiet support was the foundation.

Now, based on your post, I can see how tricky this is for you, especially with the emotional baggage from your past. You’re right that you can’t control her drinking, but you can control how you show up alongside her. Here are some thoughts from both my experience and what you’ve shared:

Stay connected, even when it’s hard. I know you feel the urge to withdraw when she’s drunk, but she probably feels the rejection even if you’re trying to protect yourself. Maybe try staying in the same room but setting gentle boundaries — like, “I’m here, but I’ll talk with you more in the morning when you’re clearer.” That way you’re not abandoning her, but you’re protecting your peace.

Avoid the labels and power struggles. Instead of focusing on the alcohol or calling her out directly, maybe explore together what she’s really needing or missing. Is she bored? Lonely? Frustrated? Sometimes the urge to drink isn’t about the booze itself but about trying to fill another gap.

Highlight what sobriety makes possible. For me, what pulled me out wasn’t fear or shame — it was realizing that sober, I could have more. More meaningful connection, more fun activities, more confidence. Maybe you could gently invite her into things that she loves but can’t do drunk — small adventures, hobbies, even planning future goals together.

Take care of yourself too. You’ve been through this before, and it’s fair that you’re triggered. Have you thought about getting your own support — maybe counseling or a group like Al-Anon? It’s okay to admit this is hard for you, and you deserve help too.

The fact that your wife has evenings of abstinence and says she wants to stop is huge. It means the door is open, even if it’s not swinging wide yet. You’re already doing a lot just by caring this much — but you’re right that your reactions can either help keep the bridge between you strong or widen the gap.

I’m wishing you both strength and patience. This is a long journey, but change is possible — I’m living proof.

As a recovering addict, this is not your job. You can support her but she has to be the one to make the decision to get off the booze. I would be putting plans in place to leave her if she doesn’t seem to want to get off it. If the sexes were reversed Mumsnet would be saying LTB.

You have my sympathy. I’m in a not dissimilar situation, although my DW does lie about her drinking.

Wine only comes in units of a bottle - it’s only a question of will she drink one or more in an evening - and she’s quite capable of drinking most of a bottle of spirits to herself.

I get very frustrated that DW doesn’t recognise how alcohol changes her (behaviour/mood/the way she talks to me and others) nor the self-control that is removed when she is under the influence.

I have no great advice unfortunately - but am happy to offer mutual support.