Friday night confession

[IttttttssssME]

Back between 2000 - 2008 I couldn't wait for work to end so I could go home with then bf and drink (and eat and sex etc) then I was drinking a glass then 2 at lunch time and the evening when we’d meet.
3 bottles not shared between us I’d easily keep topping my glass and drink 2 of the bottles. This would be average 3 nights a week.

in therapy I realised I drank to be the adventurous sex person, oh I love it up my arse (no I don’t), of course you can slap /bite/ tie me up (no you can’t), I love it rough (no I don’t), porn turns me on (no what it did was make me feel that I had to be like those women)

im still fucked up in my head, lots of therapy and medication, I rarely drink now. I can go to the pub and have a double G&T or a glass of wine (though it is a large one) then go on my way.

im single, I don’t want a relationship, I’m very happy just me and kids and my cats and my job and my friends. No pressure just life.

i don’t like the person I was or how I acted but I can’t change what I was or what I did.

You don't need to change what you did. Everyone has a past. Everyone did things they regret. Be kind to 'past you' and recognise that something, or someone's expectations, or your upbringing, made you feel you had to be that person you didn't really want to be (so you felt you needed alcohol to make yourself like that). You're happy now, and you're the person you're happy being. That's the important thing. And your experiences might help you guide your children into being the people they want to be.

I hear you.

lock down 2020 come along, bottle got hit in a big way until really late 22 then I stopped and was doing good for 6 months through myelopathy then hit again and only really stopped what has been this year.

There are people coming out of the woodwork too who had secret battle and it’s freaking me out.

I had the be strong, you are determined, this is a short term condition conversation yesterday at the hospital and now I get why they do it. I wasn’t fond of it at myelopathy post op thinking how cheeky but I was ever so grateful yesterday.

I think next week I’m going to set myself a goal no social media for a week and see if I can get my mind reset.

16 isolated days when I had a drink this year, roughly 15 weeks without drinking, really aiming for years. I actually felt good when someone used the word sobriety recently.

Do we treat it like driving, you know you make a mistake but you have to not think of it to continue driving smoothly and avoid that again x