Relapse

[benny77]

I’m so angry with myself. I had 135 days sober and on Saturday thought ‘I’ll just have 1’ and that was it. Up until 7am, ordering more alcohol throughout the night delivered to the house. Complete blackout. Posted stupid messages in a family WhatsApp group and called family members in a right state (none of which I can remember). Think I was outside singing and dancing in the garden at stupid o clock so god knows what the neighbours think.

Ive never been a daily drinker but once I have that first 1 I can’t stop. I’d been feeling so well and proud of myself and now all the shame and self loathing is back again.

I’m 46 years old and have been like this with alcohol since I was 13. I know it’s affecting my relationship with my husband and kids. I always distance myself from them after a binge as I’m so ashamed.

I can’t even figure out what triggered me to drink 😫

Has anyone managed to stop a bad binge drinking habit?

Were you in the garden singing and dancing with the children in the house?

You have children OP and it's time to put them first. Don't expose them to your binge drinking and hangovers.

You can't control your alcohol and can't have just one, so stop.

You have had a slip . And you feel ashamed and like a failure.

One of the ways in which we stay in the cycle is to let these feelings take over and internalise them, making us believe that we are incapable of change. Focussing on the guilt and shame is actually counter productive. Alcohol use disorder is a complex condition.

You have come so so far! Drink lots of water, eat well and allow yourself to look back at your 135days of sobriety and acknowledge yourself just what an achievement this is.

Then join a group and look for meetings. AA and SMART recovery offer both online and in-person meetings and there are threads on here that offer a huge amount of support.

I would also highly recommend Sober Powered
Podcast which has a lot of science based information about AUD. The episode linked focuses on strategies after
relapse.

Turn it around and see this as a great learning experience. You fell into the trap of thinking you could re-set your drinking by having a break. This is the message a lot of us get sold. 100 and some days break and you’ll be good as new and now a moderate drinker who can “just have one.”

But it’s just not how it works. Problem drinking is like being in a lift that only goes one direction. You can get off at any floor you decide. But if you get back on later, it still only goes down. Once your brain has those neural pathways that mean you go from one drink to ordering alcohol delivery in the middle of the night and drunkenly singing in your garden, you can’t go back to being a one glass of wine on special occasions sort. It stays the same or it gets worse. No going back up.

But to answer your question, yes! Lots of people who drink too much and start to hate themselves for it stop for good and go on to have lives where they don’t miss it at all. I was drinking a lot more than you, 2-3 bottles of wine a day, every day. And I just stopped. I accepted I was done and this couldn’t go on anymore.

You’ve made it over 100 days and that’s fantastic! You know how to do the hard bit. Now you just need to do what you know you can do and keep going til you get to the really great bit. I’m 2 years sober now and I truly don’t think about drinking. I don’t even like the smell of it. It’s been one of the best decisions I’ve made.

I’d really recommend reaching out for some sort of support. Bee Sober is a great community, there are others depending on where you live, Sober Circle, etc or there are Facebook groups you can join discreetly.

I think it's easier mentally to think "I'll stop for x months, which proves I can do without the binges, then I can 'rejoin' everyone else and just have a few", rather than accept that you can never drink alcohol again, which seems so final and a bit scary. You have to treat it more like you have an allergy to alcohol - it's not fair that there's other people who can enjoy it when you can't, but the fact is there is no amount that you can have that is a "safe" amount, so the only way forward is to accept that it is never again.

My husband's given up "permanently" at least 3 times, then always started back with one, before ending up back down the rabbit hole to eventually be at all night, passed out drinking. This time is his last chance for us as a family, as I cannot (and cannot have the children) going through a drinking episode/period ever again. I hope you (and him) can permanently kick this.

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the comments and recommendations. I’ve reset my ‘I am Sober’ app and looking forward to seeing the days build back up again.