Has anyone quit when their DP isn't ready to...?

[Mauvehoodie]

So, I'm getting ready to take the plunge and quit. I'm half way through Alan Carr's Control Your Drinking book and finding it really helpful. I'm in my 40s and it's just making me feel generally not great - that leads to struggling to be organised, clean/sort house and DC, exercise and all the other things I should be able to do in life so the knock on effect feels huge. And then also the health, financial etc aspects.

DP and I are pretty enabling of each other I'd say. I have the odd evening when DP is out when I don't drink but generally we share 2 bottles of wine between us - all our "fun" times involve the pub, gin and tonics on holiday, a bottle of wine on the sofa, cider in the sun etc etc.

I broached it a couple of days ago with him and said it was absolutely fine for him to do whatever he needed (carry on drinking) and I wasn't pressurising him to stop with me. He said that he needs to look at his drinking too, it won't work for just one of us to quit and seemed really understanding and on board (he has had a few years alcohol free before we got together so he's not a stranger to it).

But since then he has made comments along the lines of suggesting we cut down or it's just a habit, saying it'll be miserable to think of never having a drink. I've tried and tried to cut down and it doesn't work. I don't think he realises how much it affects me or he downplays it. I also wonder if me struggling a bit with life makes him feel better that he is in a similar boat.

I have bought a copy of the Alan Carr book to give him just to let him know where I'm coming from even if he doesn't actually do it. I can't keep drinking just to please him but it's such a big joint thing, I actually feel a bit like I'm abandoning our relationship (which is crazy I know).

Can I just do this by myself and he carries on? Has anyone else done that successfully or how has it panned out?

Why not just plan to do a month or 90 days in the first instance?

Plan lots of interesting activities or start a new craft (knitting or whatever).

Sometimes because our society equates booze with good times so tightly I find I almost have to ‘trick’ myself- maybe that would be good way for him to start.

But of course you can absolutely and should absolutely do it by yourself if you want to.

Lots and lots of luck. I think more and more people are radically cutting down alcohol or stopping completely. You’re on trend!!

My DH cut out alcohol without me doing the same. He enjoys some alcohol free beers and ciders so will sometimes have those. He’s never announced it and no one’s ever queried it.

Personally I don’t think doing these types of changes as a joint venture ever works well. I hope you manage to make the changes you want.

I was in a really similar position to you in 2020. I read The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober and it was like a switch - I just wanted to quit straight away. My partner was clearly disappointed and to him it seemed very sudden. He carried on drinking but much less because the at home drinking on sofa stopped but about a month later after seeing how much happier I was and how much more energy I had he said he was also going to take a break. Initially he said he didn't want to say never again but as time went on we both couldn't imagine what benefits even one would bring to our life. Over 5 years on and we are fitter, healthier and happier than ever. I wish you both all the best.

Thank you, that's the kind of real life positives I want to hear!

@MayDayFlowers I hadn't really thought about it working less well as a joint venture, so that's a positive reframe for me. Well done to your DH.

@Exitpursuedbygeese thanks, I'll try and work out other ways to do fun and like the idea of a craft or similar.

@CaramelisedLeeks well done for carrying it through even though your DH was initially disappointed. I think that's the stage I'm at now. It's great that he ended up on board of his own accord.

I wasn't ready to quit but my DH had no choice! I gave up too not had a drinking in 2.5 years now! im sure drinking alone DP will get bored.

You absolutely can do it on your own. What I would recommend is not tying your choice to anyone else’s. Don’t “do it together”. Because if he throws in the towel after 2 weeks, well, it’s very easy for your brain to convince you that you should too.

But yes, Dh and I were both fairly heavy drinkers (though me much more so than him, I’d consider myself an alcoholic, but he is definitely someone who likes a drink but can take it or leave it if he needs to). I stopped (over 2 years sober now) and he did not.

Me stopping though definitely impacted his relationship with alcohol. I lost weight. I was naturally getting up earlier feeling all refreshed on the weekends. I was in bed earlier and not staying up late to drink. Dh went from being probably a 4-5 times a week binge drinker to drinking maybe at most 4 beers total across a weekend. He often drinks alcohol free drinks with me. It’s been a very positive change.

I don’t think he’ll completely give up, but it doesn’t really matter because I’m very happy with my decision to stop and he’s supportive of that. But I got sober because I wanted to. It was for me, so didn’t really matter what he did, though it’s nice that we overall have a different lifestyle.

I think it can be challenging if one person stops and one person continues to act like they are 21 staying out partying, doing coke, sleeping til 3pm and lumping all the stuff that needs doing in life on the one that gets out of bed on time. In a healthy relationship though, that shouldn’t be happening.

I gave up over 2 years ago and DH still drinks, not as much though. You need to do what's best for you and not be tied to anyone else's addiction.

Booze was easy. Sugar though 😂

Exact same here! Good luck - you can do it! There’s a number of helpful threads on here that help with accountability.

Another one with a sugar addiction! I've been AF for 18ish months. DH is not. I drink AF beer and wine. He has a Virgin Wine and a B52 subscription each month!

Do it for you not for anyone else.

Yes do it for you x

Yesterday someone said well done on my sobriety and that they lost their husband to alcoholism in 2010.

Sounds dreadful but is it that women do better to reach sober.

That's such a good point that if we do it together we'll be tied to each other's progress in a way. I don't know why but I hadn't thought of it like that! I'd be fine if he carried on and it'd be great (for him) if what I was doing helped him moderate a bit more. But I'll focus on what I need to do for me.

Huge well done to you for quitting and to your DH for moderating a bit. It sounds like a great outcome for you both.

That's really sad that she lost her DH to alcoholism. I do worry about the health aspects of drinking. And well done on your sobriety 👏.

We both drank every night.
I stopped completely 2 years ago. I've not asked my husband to stop but he has cut down by 80% by default simply because I have. I guess it's not the same drinking alone. A person will only stop on their own time for themselves.
That's been my experience anyway.

Yes I have been watching Rain in my heart and I just struggle the gent who passed in that was clean for a good 8-10 years so it’s really unfair, I said sorry to two or three times, got to be awful.

Someone new has been admitted to the ward who is quite loud and proud they’ve done 5 years sober, think with a mention of a past liver transplant, pity we haven’t got a community room as she seems the very chatty type.

You’ve got this 💪