What has happened to me?!

[myrosegoldlife]

Long term MN poster but have name changed.

Im in my late 30s and since late teens I was always a binge drinker on nights out etc… however didnt bother about drinking at home or anything. Always had a really good tolerance to alcohol.

However, being older, having kids and having gone through a divorce and then a really abusive relationship (which is now over thankfully!) I tend to drink more at home now in the evenings. And if I go out I seem to have no off switch. I only drink wine and I just hammer the drinks down.

Its getting to the point now where I am making an arse of myself when drunk, or making decisions / doing things that sober me wouldn’t dream of, I’m putting myself in danger and I know this needs to stop.

And, the hangovers. I literally want to die the entire day after a drink. I’m on anxiety medication but the day after a drink, I have heart palpitations and feel utterly low. I am also peri menopausal which is likely not helping.

I come from a family background where alcohol is part of the culture, Dad is a huge drinker (alcoholic). All of my friends drink. So alcohol has always been a big part of my life and never viewed by anyone as negative.

But for whatever reason it’s not working for me anymore, a “fun” night results in 3 days of awful hangover anxiety and enough is enough.

Any words of wisdom? I’ve just ordered The Unexpected Joy of being Sober 📖

Sounds very familiar op! (Apart from divorce).

The unexpected joy of being sober helped me enormously.
Nearly 5 years AF, and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done for myself.

If it means you need to change friends/cut some from your life/socialise less then I can say it is absolutely worth it and you won’t ever regret it.

I’m not saying it’s isn’t difficult at times in the beginning, but it’s been years now since I’ve even thought about alcohol, whereas I’d wake up at the weekend thinking‘I’m not going to drink tonight’ but by 4pm would be in the shop buying the alcohol I was going to drink on the sofa that night. I just couldn’t help myself. I did have a couple of false starts over the years but once I’d finally made the decision, and bought the book, I was determined. You can do it op!

No one ever regrets not drinking the night before!

Thanks so much for your words of support! And yes it’s gotten far too easy to buy a bottle of wine on the way home from work and reward myself with a glass (and then the whole bottle) after a challenging day.

I was out with friends yesterday during the day who were all drinking heavily, and I had driven so didn’t. And I drove home and thought “god it was nice not being drunk and just being able to leave”

Then got home, a friend popped over, we walked to a beer garden and I drunk probably 2.5 bottles of wine in total.

I know I’d have been far happier today if I had continued not drinking yesterday.

Can’t wait for my book to arrive! Thanks

Look up the Bee Sober 30 day experiment.

There’s also a little book called Drink Less Live Better. Both of these are about changing your mindset and relationship with alcohol.

Start listening to some sobriety podcasts. One for the Road is great. Sober Awkward. There’s one by Sassy Sober Mum. Look for and start following some sober instagram accounts, create a throwaway account if you don’t want it on your main one.

Honestly, you don’t know how much better life is on the other side. I was drinking a lot more than you, 2-3 bottles of wine a day, every day. And I also come from a social group and family of heavy drinkers (dh’s family, his dad died of alcoholism, very party lifestyle).

I’m just over 2 years sober now. I stopped on my own, just doing the above. Absolutely would never go back now. Holds completely no appeal for me at all.

And everyone in my life who also drank as much as I did? My Dh drinks probably 10% of what he used to, maybe 4 beers a week if that. My BIL has stopped drinking for long stretches. My friend is 6 months sober. My MIL just celebrated 1 year sober.

Someone has to go first. I would bet you that you are not the only one questioning how alcohol is impacting your life, thinking about giving it up, and worrying what everyone will think. If you break the seal, the others will start coming out of hiding too and will be grateful you want to go for a coffee instead of prosecco.

Thankyou so much for this @mindutopiai will look all of these resources up.

Certainly resonate with having family and friends who are all heavy drinkers. It’s only Tuesday and I’ve already had an invite out for Saturday for a bottomless brunch. It will no doubt be great fun but then I know Sunday will be absolutely awful. I have no resolve when it comes to alcohol, I can not just have one.

I do wonder if more people I know have / do feel the same. I certainly haven’t noticed it but then I haven’t shared this with anyone either…

thankyou x

@myrosegoldlife definitely people around you feel the same way. I am only 16 weeks af and have stressed about going out and not drinking. EVERY single time friends have confessed they’d love to quit or cut down, and most nights someone has joined me on soft drinks.

what you actually would be is a trend setter! There is nothing in this world that anyone could say that would make me want to drink again - and believe me, I probably drank more than you are.

Just want to offer support OP. I have been where you are. I'm not completely AF now but I drink so, so much less than I did, and never on weeknights. I cannot believe I managed to hold down a career throughout my twenties when I was drinking as much as I did every single night.

Life feels so much brighter and more free without those crippling hangover days punctuating it. Take things one day at a time, but it is amazing how quickly saying 'no' becomes easy and actively enjoyable over the long term.

Thanks both @chouxchoux@Seenoevil33
I definetely feel I have lost control with my alcohol, sometimes it’s boredom, other times it’s numbing my anxiety/thoughts but ultimately the after effects are just awful and outweigh any benefits. I am forgetting whole nights now when I go out drinking and I know this isn’t healthy.

I've ordered myself some CBD drinks for the weekend, I’m not sure if these work or are placebo but at very least they might feel a bit “fancy” and I’m not spending money on wine which will make me feel sh*t in the morning! And I’m going to politely decline the invite to the bottomless brunch. It’s far too soon to even attempt that.

FWIW, I was thinking only last night. I mentioned my family are heavy drinkers including my Dad. However my Mum very very rarely drinks, she just doesn’t like to be out of control and years of watching my Dad drunk she just hates it.

Growing up, of the two my Dad always looked younger than her (he was very into sports etc and is generally very active when sober!) but over the last 5 years or so, it’s totally reversed. My Dad looks older in every possible way and his eyes look permanently bloated, whereas my Mum looks a good 10 years younger than him. Their diets etc are the same, so I can only put that down to alcohol really.

Cbd drinks have been invaluable to me! I get the relaxation without the after effects!

wrt your mum and dad - I can sympathize. My DH is still struggling to try to cutdown weekdays - and believe me it is a struggle for him! At weekends, I watch him drinking a few glasses of wine and I just cannot understand why! He inevitably falls asleep and then sleeps badly all night. It puts me off ever drinking again!

You won’t regret it one bit. I’d imagine you’ll be able to come off the anxiety medication long term too. Alcohol used to give me such bad anxiety during the hangovers. It was awful. I now look back and think why did I waste a decade drinking so much. It was my whole life and all my friends. I had to restart elsewhere and find new routines and new friends. It was hard and still is sometimes but I’ve realised alcohol definitely isn’t the answer to cheer me up. At best it was just numbing the feelings of sadness or boredom inside. It might sound daft but if you have a David Lloyd gym you can get to, this is like a lifeline now. Not the classes or the gym, or exercise even, though that is good if you can manage it. No I mean just the spa. I go and sit in the steam room and sauna and it’s much better than 2 bottles of wine. I come away feeling lighter in my mind somehow. It’s changed my life. Better than drugs I’d say! Especially if you try the cold plunge too. It takes me to another place. Don’t want to oversell it but it’s worked for me. Good luck. You’ve got this!

also I’m sure there are some podcasts about this. I’ve found listening to stuff so helpful over the years when I’m looking to make changes. Lots of lightbulb moments. Might be worth looking at.

Thankyou so so much for your encouraging responses.

I had never considered that by stopping alcohol I might be able to look to reduce and stop my anxiety medication at some point. I started the medication at a very challenging point in my life (I rarely drunk then besides on the odd night out). But I’ve fallen down a slippery slope with binge drinking at home and when out, and although it’s not daily, I hadn’t really made the connection between the alcohol and my overall anxiety, despite knowing that the day or so after I feel worse. That on its own is enough to push me to stop. The medication numbs me if I’m honest, but it also numbs the joy in my life, like my beautiful children, my home and wonderful people in my life… I kind of always feel flat, even when I’m happy and alcohol has turned into my way of feeling temporarily high, if that makes sense?

I looked and there are no DL gyms nearby 😔 but to reward myself for what I know is going to be an alcohol free weekend this weekend, I’ve booked myself in for a massage Saturday evening and a yoga class Sunday morning.

Not to go on too much, but I recently came out of a toxic relationship and being with someone who gaslit/lied/cheated etc drove my anxiety through the roof and drinking when I was around him became my coping mechanism to feel like I could be “light and breezy” and hugely accelerated over last year. Thankfully he’s gone now and it’s time for me to start a new chapter!

There are some wonderful resources online to help you feel better about boundaries and relationships and self esteem. So much on YouTube and various podcasts.

Lewis Howes is quite good.
Jimmy on Relationships
Mel Robbins has some good stuff
Brene Brown - amazing!! Her Ted talks are great
Mark Manson

there are so many more. I hope some of their podcasts or YouTube videos might help. You can just dip in and out.

The classes sound great OP!! 2025 is looking up ❤️✨

Something I’ve also found has helped my mental health so much is doing the Zoe Nutrition program. If you had the funds and energy for this it’s really very good. I feel a lot different also due to that too. It’s helped a lot with perimeno.

I had a lapse last night. Had a really powerful meditation/yoga session and driving home I felt like I was on a “high” so I stopped off at the shops intending to buy 2 mini bottles of wine. But they were on 3 for 2 so I got 3, intending just to drink 2 and leave the 3rd for another day.

That of course didn’t happen, I drunk all 3. Thankfully by the time I finished the 3rd all shops were shut (and yes I even checked deliveroo) so getting more wasn’t an option.

I didn’t feel the hit of anxiety that I often do as I got into bed last night, but this morning feel a bit rubbish.

The positive I’ll take away from it is knowing that I don’t want to drink today when out with friends, I still have no off switch once I start drinking and I hate that feeling of knowing I am in the grips of the wine.

Back to day one again.